DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old single mother of a 1-year-old son. My boyfriend wants to change my life. He wants me to delete all my friends and family from my cell phone and says I can see my family only once a month. (I am very family-oriented.) My boyfriend thinks that because I go and see my parents and sisters a lot that I don't "put him first."

I don't know what to do, because my son comes first. I understand the concept that once you find your true love, you move in with him and you're supposed to be happy. But he's never happy. He always finds something to argue about.

I work from 5 a.m. to 3 p.m., come home, take care of my son, clean the house, cook dinner and clean up afterward. I am at my wits' end trying to do everything and be a good mother and girlfriend. He loves my son, but he never offers to help me with bills or anything. He never buys me anything, only stuff for himself or my son.

I'm so confused right now, I don't know what to think. Please give me some advice. -- UNCERTAIN IN OHIO

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Gladly. Do NOT allow your boyfriend to limit your telephone contact or visits with friends and family. This is a classic sign of an abuser, and so is constantly picking arguments. You appear to be doing everything in this relationship -- cooking, cleaning, paying the bills. What exactly is he contributing?

A healthy relationship is a partnership in which both members pull their own weight. Unless your boyfriend is prepared to make some serious changes, you should move back with your family.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Felicia," is 33 and still lives at home with her father and me. She's a wonderful person, has a great job and contributes to the house. Her father and I love Felicia and are very proud of her. However, we both feel that she needs her own place.

Every time we bring it up, Felicia says she would like to live here until she marries. Her dad and I have been married for 37 years, but we would like our privacy. What do you think? -- IMPATIENT MOM IN CHICAGO

DEAR IMPATIENT MOM: I think you have been more than patient. The time has come for you and your husband to tell your fledgling she needs a nest of her own. Help her to find one, and do not allow her to stall any longer. You will be doing all three of you a favor.

DEAR ABBY: I love my mother. She and I go out to eat frequently. My problem is she sometimes makes loud comments about people who are seated near enough that they can hear her. I have seen some of them look at us after some of her comments.

Today she did it again, and I asked her either not to talk about the people loudly, or to do it after we leave the restaurant. She replied that she was not talking in that loud a voice, and now she's mad at me and not speaking to me. Was I wrong to ask her to lower her voice? -- UPSET IN UTAH

DEAR UPSET: No. Your mother may have been embarrassed that you corrected her in public. She may also be in denial about the fact that she's suffering from some degree of hearing loss. You were right to tell her that she was being overheard. You would be doing her a favor to insist that she have her hearing checked by an audiologist -- if only to prove you're "wrong."

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DEAR ABBY: I'll be brief. I am in love with a woman who has multiple personality disorder. My friends tell me I'm a fool for falling in love with such a woman.

I love her with all my heart and soul. I know I have a lot to handle, but my love for her is strong, and I know we can prevail. What do you think? -- TRUE LOVE TEXAN

DEAR TEXAN: I'll be brief. I think you had better be absolutely certain that you love every facet of her splintered personality before any or all of you make a lifelong commitment.

DEAR ABBY: Have I committed a social error? The 97-year-old mother of an in-law of ours died recently. The family asked that memorials be sent to the local hospice in her memory. I sent a sizable check, but because we loved her like our own mother, I wanted also to send flowers.

I went to our florist and personally selected a beautiful vase that I thought the daughter could keep, and had it filled with flowers.

After the funeral service, as I walked by the casket, the daughter said to me, "Mother wanted memorials made to hospice." (Right! "Mother" was so out of it for several months that she didn't even know she was under hospice care.)

I spent a lot of money on that funeral and don't regret it. But why did the daughter make me feel so bad? She lashed out at me for doing something out of love for her and her mother. When we left the church the flowers were sitting there with our card still attached. Obviously, they didn't want them or the vase, so I brought them home to enjoy and will give the vase to one of my daughters.

Should I say anything, or should I consider the source? -- DONNA IN AKRON, OHIO

DEAR DONNA: You should consider the circumstances. People who are grieving are not usually at their best or most gracious. The daughter may have been under the impression that the family's wishes had been ignored, and you had sent flowers instead of donating to the group that had helped and supported them and their mother during that critical time.

If the daughter hasn't already been notified about your generous gift (most organizations do inform the family of the deceased about donations received in their loved one's memory), I see nothing wrong with straightening out the misunderstanding. But do it gently and without anger.

DEAR ABBY: I recently let a friend borrow a bracelet of mine. I left it at her house and asked that she return it the next time we saw each other. That was Sunday morning, and I even called ahead of time to make sure she remembered. When we met, she told me she had forgotten to bring it.

A few days later I was at her house again. When she gave me the bracelet, it had been completely destroyed by her cat. She apologized and said she'd replace it. I said it was OK, and then asked if she would really buy me a new one. "No," she replied, "my cat did it, not me." I decided not to push the issue. The bracelet wasn't too expensive, but I feel I deserve some sort of payment because the cat didn't know any better. What should I do? -- AT A LOSS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR AT A LOSS: The bracelet may not have been "too expensive," but chalk this up as a valuable lesson. Your "friend" is irresponsible and not entirely truthful. Unless you're willing to risk losing what you lend her, refrain from making that mistake again.

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DEAR ABBY: I feel like I'm all alone. My daughter's father was recently murdered, and I can't seem to get over it. Even though we hadn't been close for months before his passing, he was all I have known since I was 13. I'm trying to move on, but it's so hard.

I don't know how to help my daughter with her issues because I'm still grieving for my own father, who was killed in Baghdad several years ago.

Am I a bad mother for not talking to her enough about it? Frankly, I try to avoid the subject every chance I get. But it's eating me up inside, and I can't stop crying.

How will I ever move on to another relationship when I can't even get past the last one? How can I help my child when I feel like I can't even help myself? -- DESPERATE FOR HELP IN NEW YORK

DEAR DESPERATE FOR HELP: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the double loss in your life -- the death of your father and the tragedy that befell your daughter's father. If you are going to heal yourself and your girl, it is imperative that you find help for both of you. She needs to talk about her feelings so she can deal with them -- and so do you. Avoiding the subject, painful as it is, doesn't work, as you are finding out.

I recommend that you find a grief-support group for you and for your daughter, a safe place in which to share your feelings of loss, pain and possibly anger. An excellent place to start would be to ask your clergyperson. Please don't put it off because help is available.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 and my boyfriend, "Dave," is 32. I love him dearly. He's my best friend, and I know we cherish each other, but I always feel like I'm No. 2, 3 or 4 in his life.

Dave has a 4-year-old son and is occupied with the boy three nights a week. On those nights I am not welcome. There are no phone calls, and I feel alienated and lonely. Also, he stays in a job he claims he hates because he can't afford to miss one payment to his estranged wife.

Dave refuses to get a divorce because it's expensive, and he is afraid that she will abuse him financially. Yet he gives her extra money on a regular basis despite his 50/50 custody (at present), and he's often broke because of some demand or another she had made. She has a great job as a nurse, but I know very little about her situation so I can't judge her.

I am frustrated. When I try to discuss it, Dave tells me he's sorry, "things will change" and eventually I'll be able to share his life with him and his son. But it's been more than a year, and nothing has changed. Should I hold on? This is driving me crazy. -- LOSING PATIENCE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR LOSING PATIENCE: Your boyfriend appears to be a conscientious parent, but he is married and not available for what you want. He may be satisfied with the status quo, which is why he has made no move to divorce or to further include you.

Dave is not your "best friend." Best friends discuss their problems and work out compromises. Please consider moving on, because if you allow this situation to drag on another year or two or three -- and I suspect it will -- you'd have to be crazy.

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