DEAR ABBY: "Wilbur" and I have been together for 25 years, married for nine. During that time we have been through almost everything.

Abby, I am disappointed in the man Wilbur has turned out to be. He does nothing around the house. He does hold a job, but that's the beginning and the end of it. On top of that, Wilbur shows me no affection. He doesn't hug or kiss me, and he sleeps with a pillow between us. I realize he was never very lovey-dovey, but now there is no affection at all.

I dream about being close to a man, having a companion with whom to enjoy things in life -- simple things like going for coffee together after walking through a flea market holding hands.

Our lives have been intertwined for a quarter of a century. I feel there's nowhere for me to go. How does someone in my situation find happiness? -- DISILLUSIONED IN MILFORD, CONN.

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You and Wilbur may have been together for 25 years, but it appears you parted ways a long time ago. In order for there to be sex and affection, there has to be some sort of intimacy -- and by that, I mean communication.

I suggest you begin by asking Wilbur what has happened to your relationship. If he's willing to talk, with the help of a marriage counselor you may be able to fix what has gone wrong. I can't promise you passion, but at least you won't be acting like cellmates.

If Wilbur is unwilling to cooperate, then the time has come to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Are you better off with him or without him? If you decide to stick it out because you "have nowhere to go," you may have to do a lot of sublimating. Spend as much time as you can with people (or animals) that will return the warmth you crave.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mom with four kids. My oldest son is dating a sweet girl I'll call "Renee." The problem is she's always at my house. She's here when I return from work in the evenings and every weekend.

While I don't mind Renee's presence, I am finding it difficult to constantly feed her. I can no longer take my children out to eat without offering to include her, and she always accepts. When I grocery shop, I am now shopping for five kids instead of just my four.

How do I handle this without hurt feelings? Renee's family has very little money, and sometimes there's not much food in their house. Frankly, I feel sorry for her, but I'm struggling to feed my own kids on my salary. I know the lack of food at Renee's house isn't my problem, and I feel horrible for thinking the way I do. Please help. -- STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STRETCHED: Talk to your son, specifically about your budget. It will then be up to him to set some limits with his girlfriend. Frankly, the fact that the two of them are together every night and every weekend concerns me, because too much alone time could lead to yet another mouth to feed.

Because food is a problem at Renee's house, it would be a kindness to speak to Renee's mother about seeking aid for dependent children to be sure they have adequate nutrition. The place for her to start would be the county department of social services to see if they qualify.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was recently called to come in to work at the grocery story where I am employed because my department manager, "Meg," didn't show up. After I finished the shift, I stopped by Meg's house to check on her. She didn't answer the door. Eventually a neighbor and I were able to enter her home and found her very ill. We called 911, and Meg was taken to the hospital. She's now in the ICU.

Meg is pretty much a loner, and her son lives in another state. In addition to my concern for her health, I was appalled by what I saw when we got inside her home. Abby, the place was filled with trash piled so deep we couldn't tell if there was any furniture. There was only a narrow pathway to her bedroom. A couple of space heaters were on, so I assume the furnace wasn't working. I also learned the police had to shut the water off because of a leak inside the house. It appears Meg was not having things repaired because she is hesitant to let anyone into her place.

It depresses me to know she lives in such deplorable conditions. I haven't been able to talk to anyone else at work about this, even though they, too, are concerned about Meg's illness. I can't imagine her returning to her home in the condition it's in. I'm sure she realizes that I've been in there, and I would imagine she's terribly embarrassed.

What should I say to her when she comes back to work, and what can I do to help her? -- TROUBLED IN COLORADO

DEAR TROUBLED: The living conditions you have described are not only a danger to Meg's health, but also a serious fire hazard. All it would take is for any of the items piled on her floor to come in contact with one of the space heaters, and her place could become an inferno.

One way to help the woman would be to notify the health department and the fire department about the conditions you observed. Also, many hospitals have a social worker on staff, and another way to help Meg would be to quietly inform that person about the circumstances under which Meg was admitted to the hospital.

When she finally returns to work, all you should say is that you're glad she's back. Make no reference to what you saw, and I'm sure she won't either.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 30 years is suffering from a brain tumor and the effects of treatment. Her illness has been ongoing for about eight years, but has become debilitating during the last three.

We have spent most important holidays with -- and traveled with -- some close friends who were also neighbors. Recently, the other two couples made a trip and didn't invite us or discuss the trip with us. I resent the fact that we were not at least consulted. While I understand that we might be a "problem" to travel with, I'm hurt that the trip was planned without any discussion with us and was kept a secret until departure time. Am I being petty? -- HURT IN LILBURN, GA.

DEAR HURT: I don't think so. Your feelings are understandable, particularly because you're coping with so much stress right now.

Your friends may have acted the way they did because they felt guilty about being able to travel while your wife is not. They may also have been afraid that discussing a trip that you and your wife could not manage would be more hurtful than just going. Obviously, they were wrong, but please try to forgive them.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was a single father to my two daughters for several years. I love them with all my heart. Even though I do not always approve of everything they do, my love for them is unconditional, and we're very close.

My 25-year-old daughter, "Tracy," recently had a baby boy. The child's father is not in the picture. She's doing well as a new mom and single working parent. I'm proud of her.

When Tracy was ready to deliver, she asked me to be with her in the delivery room. I had no problem with it, but my current wife (Tracy's stepmom) said she thought it was kind of perverted. I disagreed. My girls have always told me I was the best "mother" they could have ever wished for.

My wife and I didn't exactly have a major blowup over it, but she still insists that my being there was inappropriate. What do you think? -- NEW GRANDPA IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR GRANDPA: Your daughter gave you the greatest honor a woman can give, and it's because you fulfilled the role of BOTH parents during an important time of her life. If your daughter wanted you with her during this joyous, but stressful time, then that's where you belonged.

Giving birth to a baby is not like performing a pole dance. Your wife should loosen her laces and be less judgmental.

DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and have read your column since I was 14. My parents have a gambling problem. They are both retired and on fixed incomes. They get a check once a month, but as soon as it arrives they spend all their money gambling, and call my sister and me for money because they can't pay their bills.

I don't want to give them any more money because they use it to try and "double" and still don't pay their bills. But my sister and I feel guilty that they don't have any money.

We don't know how to help them. Is it possible to get power of attorney over two gambling addicts who are otherwise healthy adults? If not, what else can you suggest? -- READY TO FOLD IN PHOENIX

DEAR READY TO FOLD: It's good that you realize your parents are gambling ADDICTS, because addicts have certain behaviors that are universal. First among them, they rope the people who love them into becoming enablers. That is what your parents have done to you and your sister. By giving them money "to pay their bills," what you loving daughters are also doing is enabling them to continue their habit.

Getting power of attorney can be difficult unless the person can be proved unable to responsibly take care of him- or herself. Homelessness might be a compelling example of that.

Your first step should be to contact a chapter of Gam-Anon Family Groups. It's a 12-step fellowship for men and women who are husbands, wives, relatives or friends of compulsive gamblers and who have been affected by their loved one's gambling problem. You and your sister definitely qualify. The Web site is www.gam-anon.org.

Once you begin to understand the self-destructive cycle your parents have created, and how they have caught you in it, it'll be easier to help them get the help they so desperately need.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)