DEAR ABBY: I was recently called to come in to work at the grocery story where I am employed because my department manager, "Meg," didn't show up. After I finished the shift, I stopped by Meg's house to check on her. She didn't answer the door. Eventually a neighbor and I were able to enter her home and found her very ill. We called 911, and Meg was taken to the hospital. She's now in the ICU.

Meg is pretty much a loner, and her son lives in another state. In addition to my concern for her health, I was appalled by what I saw when we got inside her home. Abby, the place was filled with trash piled so deep we couldn't tell if there was any furniture. There was only a narrow pathway to her bedroom. A couple of space heaters were on, so I assume the furnace wasn't working. I also learned the police had to shut the water off because of a leak inside the house. It appears Meg was not having things repaired because she is hesitant to let anyone into her place.

It depresses me to know she lives in such deplorable conditions. I haven't been able to talk to anyone else at work about this, even though they, too, are concerned about Meg's illness. I can't imagine her returning to her home in the condition it's in. I'm sure she realizes that I've been in there, and I would imagine she's terribly embarrassed.

What should I say to her when she comes back to work, and what can I do to help her? -- TROUBLED IN COLORADO

DEAR TROUBLED: The living conditions you have described are not only a danger to Meg's health, but also a serious fire hazard. All it would take is for any of the items piled on her floor to come in contact with one of the space heaters, and her place could become an inferno.

One way to help the woman would be to notify the health department and the fire department about the conditions you observed. Also, many hospitals have a social worker on staff, and another way to help Meg would be to quietly inform that person about the circumstances under which Meg was admitted to the hospital.

When she finally returns to work, all you should say is that you're glad she's back. Make no reference to what you saw, and I'm sure she won't either.

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 30 years is suffering from a brain tumor and the effects of treatment. Her illness has been ongoing for about eight years, but has become debilitating during the last three.

We have spent most important holidays with -- and traveled with -- some close friends who were also neighbors. Recently, the other two couples made a trip and didn't invite us or discuss the trip with us. I resent the fact that we were not at least consulted. While I understand that we might be a "problem" to travel with, I'm hurt that the trip was planned without any discussion with us and was kept a secret until departure time. Am I being petty? -- HURT IN LILBURN, GA.

DEAR HURT: I don't think so. Your feelings are understandable, particularly because you're coping with so much stress right now.

Your friends may have acted the way they did because they felt guilty about being able to travel while your wife is not. They may also have been afraid that discussing a trip that you and your wife could not manage would be more hurtful than just going. Obviously, they were wrong, but please try to forgive them.

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DEAR ABBY: I was a single father to my two daughters for several years. I love them with all my heart. Even though I do not always approve of everything they do, my love for them is unconditional, and we're very close.

My 25-year-old daughter, "Tracy," recently had a baby boy. The child's father is not in the picture. She's doing well as a new mom and single working parent. I'm proud of her.

When Tracy was ready to deliver, she asked me to be with her in the delivery room. I had no problem with it, but my current wife (Tracy's stepmom) said she thought it was kind of perverted. I disagreed. My girls have always told me I was the best "mother" they could have ever wished for.

My wife and I didn't exactly have a major blowup over it, but she still insists that my being there was inappropriate. What do you think? -- NEW GRANDPA IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR GRANDPA: Your daughter gave you the greatest honor a woman can give, and it's because you fulfilled the role of BOTH parents during an important time of her life. If your daughter wanted you with her during this joyous, but stressful time, then that's where you belonged.

Giving birth to a baby is not like performing a pole dance. Your wife should loosen her laces and be less judgmental.

DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and have read your column since I was 14. My parents have a gambling problem. They are both retired and on fixed incomes. They get a check once a month, but as soon as it arrives they spend all their money gambling, and call my sister and me for money because they can't pay their bills.

I don't want to give them any more money because they use it to try and "double" and still don't pay their bills. But my sister and I feel guilty that they don't have any money.

We don't know how to help them. Is it possible to get power of attorney over two gambling addicts who are otherwise healthy adults? If not, what else can you suggest? -- READY TO FOLD IN PHOENIX

DEAR READY TO FOLD: It's good that you realize your parents are gambling ADDICTS, because addicts have certain behaviors that are universal. First among them, they rope the people who love them into becoming enablers. That is what your parents have done to you and your sister. By giving them money "to pay their bills," what you loving daughters are also doing is enabling them to continue their habit.

Getting power of attorney can be difficult unless the person can be proved unable to responsibly take care of him- or herself. Homelessness might be a compelling example of that.

Your first step should be to contact a chapter of Gam-Anon Family Groups. It's a 12-step fellowship for men and women who are husbands, wives, relatives or friends of compulsive gamblers and who have been affected by their loved one's gambling problem. You and your sister definitely qualify. The Web site is www.gam-anon.org.

Once you begin to understand the self-destructive cycle your parents have created, and how they have caught you in it, it'll be easier to help them get the help they so desperately need.

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DEAR ABBY: I completely agree with your reply to "Sorry No Vacancy" (Nov. 2), advising the writer to stand her ground regarding the vacation house. It appears she was raised in a household with brothers who were used to bossing their sister around, and a mother who allowed the boys to do it.

They had their chance to work on the house, but lacked the vision and work ethic their sister had. They sold her their share and contributed nothing to the final result. They have no right to now claim ownership privileges. If the mother thinks her sons need a second home to vacation in, she should pass out keys to her own house.

As you may have guessed, I grew up in a home where boys were more valued than girls, and I remember how hard it was to strive for equal respect. -- KATHRYN B., BETHEL, ARK.

DEAR KATHRYN: Many readers had the same reaction as yours: The problem is the brothers' greed, and the "key" to her dilemma should be to remove the welcome mat. "Sorry" should enjoy her vacation home because she deserves to. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Sorry's" situation reminded me of the story of "The Little Red Hen," in which the cat, dog and mouse slept all day while the little red hen planted, sowed, watered and milled the grain. Then when the bread was baked, the dog, cat and mouse all wanted to "help" eat it. The little red hen wouldn't give them one bite because she had done all the work.

Those jealous brothers need to back off and let their sister have her house. I wouldn't even invite them for a picnic. Perhaps then they'd learn their lesson like the animals in that famous children's story.

Stick to your guns, girl! -- HOPING YOU DO IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired banker and have dealt with a number of family situations similar to the one in "Sorry's" letter. Her brothers are deadbeats. They are more than happy to enjoy the benefits of the completed project, but were nowhere to be found when the planning, expense and work were being done.

"Sorry" has tried to handle this correctly from the beginning. Each brother was given the opportunity of equal ownership. They all opted to take the money and run.

What "Sorry" should do now is what she did in the beginning: have the property appraised in its improved condition, then offer to let each brother buy -- at current market value -- an equal position or buy the property in full.

By the way, I have never seen one deadbeat pay up. These guys ran the first time, and they'll run again. People like them always do. -- BOB B., DESTIN, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, our family cottage passed on to the second generation. It was rundown and needed costly repairs and renovations. My husband and I lived closest to it; consequently, we won the "work lottery."

I made my brothers an offer through an attorney: "I'll pay each of you your fair share of the assessed value of the cottage, and you will always be welcome for overnight visits." Everyone agreed, and my checks were sent out. It has been a grand open house ever since -- reunions, parties, etc. Twenty years have passed, generations of relatives still come and go, and I couldn't be happier. -- VISITORS WELCOME IN WISCONSIN

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