DEAR ABBY: I have two adult sons living at home, ages 22 and 24. Both are working. I have recently retired, and my income has become half of what it was before. I told my sons that if they are to continue living here, they must pay room and board of $30 a week or find a place to live with the amenities they have here.

They are now ranting and raving and calling me a bad mother. Am I being unreasonable? I feel I have provided my sons with a good life, and it is now time for them to take some responsibility for their own support. It's time to grow up. Am I wrong?

My oldest son says he refuses to help me pay my mortgage! I told him to either pay the $120 a month or try to find a cheaper place to live. Any thoughts on this? -- STRESSED-OUT MOM, LAKE VIEW, N.Y.

DEAR STRESSED OUT: You're making perfect sense to me. If your older boy was not centered so much on himself and his wants (notice, I didn't say "needs"), he would realize that you have made him a generous offer.

Because of your diminished income, of COURSE there is no question that your sons should contribute to the household expenses. It's possible they won't realize what a good deal they've been having until they try to match it in the real world. Stand your ground, Mom, and don't take any back talk.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married four years. During that time we have had three children. Our youngest was born three months ago with various medical problems including heart defects, enlarged kidneys, hearing problems and Down syndrome.

To top it off, I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. I start radiation and chemo next month. I am stressed to say the least, and being intimate with my husband right now is at the bottom of my list of things I need to do.

My husband is having a problem understanding why I am not interested in sex. He takes it personally when I don't accept his advances. I love him very much, and I'm grateful for everything he does for me and the kids, but right now I have no interest in sex. How can I get through to him without hurting his feelings? And how do I stop the advances so I don't feel so guilty? -- STRESSED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR STRESSED: Excuse me? You've had three children in four years, you're caring for a newborn with physical and developmental disabilities and you're beginning treatment for a life-threatening illness. Frankly, I'm surprised you are still standing.

If necessary, drag your spouse to your OB/GYN, your pediatrician and your oncologist. Your husband may be the father of three, but he needs to learn the facts of life -- the first of which is that right now, you are physically and emotionally distracted and unable to perform as he would wish.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently attended a lovely party at a home with two baby grand pianos. One of the guests -- I'll call her "Sophie" -- is an accomplished pianist, and she dearly wanted to sit down and play.

We encouraged her but she refused, stating that the host and hostess might not appreciate having their party interrupted. Should Sophie have asked permission, or would that have created undue pressure on the hostess? -- DAVID IN CUPERTINO, CALIF.

DEAR DAVID: It depends on the hosts. Some would welcome it; others might not. Sophie was correct to refrain from playing the piano without being asked to. It could have, indeed, been disruptive. And if either (or both) of the hosts is a serious musician, many musicians prefer that their instruments not be played by someone else.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The standard form of greeting in the West is a handshake. But this can lead to transmission of germs.

Being from India, I use the standard form of Indian greeting by holding my palms together, which is very hygienic. (By the way, many South Asian countries have the same custom of greeting.)

You might consider passing the word along because I'm sure your readers could understand the benefit of such a gesture -- particularly during the cold and flu season. -- SUNITHA IN KUWAIT

DEAR SUNITHA: I'm pleased to pass the word along. Your practical suggestion is a good one and something I have used myself. All you do is place your palms together, thumbs up at chest height. The friendly message it sends is clear when it's done with a smile.

DEAR ABBY: I recently landed a dream job as a nanny for a wealthy family. When I say "wealthy," it's probably an understatement. These people have a big-screen theater in their home, a personal trainer over here four times a week, matching Lexus SUVs, gadgets galore and the biggest refrigerator I have ever seen -- not to mention the countless other real estate properties they have in California, Aspen and New York.

Coming from a more consumer-conscious background, I grew up recycling and shopping at thrift stores. I use alternate forms of transportation and refuse to "keep up with the Joneses."

How do I get this family, especially the children, to recycle, donate and think globally (i.e. sweatshops and child labor) without coming off as preachy? They are nice people, but these things have never been a part of their universe. -- RECYCLIN' IN COLORADO

DEAR RECYCLIN': Your employers appear to be comfortably ensconced in their lifestyle bubble, which is an alternate reality from most of ours. However, you can positively influence the thinking of their children, and the most effective way to do it is to teach them by example.

DEAR ABBY: I discovered a video camera recording me on the toilet in my brother-in-law's bathroom. When I confronted him, he said he was trying to photograph his wife and he had "forgotten" that my four children and I were coming over. Even though the tape had been recording for an hour before his wife was due home from work, I couldn't "prove" anything, so I let it go.

More recently I have learned he's been asking a close friend of ours some very personal questions, and asking for pictures of her various body parts.

My husband doesn't want to hurt his sister and has asked me not to say anything. So now I have to have the creep over at our house for family get-togethers and pretend I like him so she doesn't ask questions. Also, my children want to sleep over at their house, and I have to keep making up excuses. What do I do? -- GOING CRAZY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Your mistake -- and your husband's -- was in keeping this from your sister-in-law because it is not just her husband's problem; it is also hers. Your brother-in-law's fetish is creepy, possibly illegal and a huge invasion of privacy. Your children should not visit their home unless closely supervised by you or their father. Their safety is more important than your sister-in-law's "feelings." So speak up!

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DEAR ABBY: I have been faithfully married for more than 20 years. My wife and I are known as the "cute couple" who still hold hands in public, take time to play together, and never say a negative word about each other in public.

My son, who has just turned 19, wants to marry somebody "just like Mom," whom he views as the world's greatest wife and mother. He's making good on this and has begun getting serious with a young woman who is much like his mother in many crucial ways.

At this point, how do I tell my son that the biggest mistake of my life was marrying his mother, and his future happiness depends on getting away from this girl before it's too late? The girl he is dating shows the same severe anxiety disorders as my wife, and manipulates him through learned helplessness and (presumably) the same psychosomatic chronic illnesses. She displays the severe mood swings that have made my wife completely ineffectual as a mother and companion.

My wife's disorders completely dominate our lives, as she refuses any therapy. I have had no choice but to surrender and make do, abandoning a wonderful career -- Ph.D. from a top business school, lots of international travel and high ambitions -- to live in squalor and relative poverty, hating my life and longing for the freedom that will come from one or the other of us passing on.

I have done a good job of hiding my agony from my wife and children, accepting that which I cannot change, and I have been careful to be as supportive as possible and never undercut her position in her eyes or the kids'. My son shows the same potential that I once had. How do I help him not ruin his life as I have ruined mine? -- MISERABLE IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR MISERABLE: First, remind your son that marriage should be postponed until he completes his education. Then realize that although you want to help him avoid the disappointment and frustration that you have experienced, you may not be able to save him after keeping him blindfolded all these years.

A giant step in the right direction would be to sit him down and tell him exactly what you have told me. And when you do, point out that because you did not confront the problem and insist that your wife get treatment for her emotional problems, you became her enabler, because in addition to her illness, your failure to intervene is what ruined your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I have an etiquette question. When going out for an office luncheon in honor of someone's departure, new hire, baby shower, etc., and the boss is picking up the tab, is it proper to order what you really want from the menu?

For example: If six people at the table order soup and salad, but what I really want is the salmon stuffed with crabmeat, would that be considered improper, even though the boss says, "Order whatever you want"? -- KAT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR KAT: Usually when a host treats guests to lunch, he or she will set an example by saying, "I'm having the ( ), but feel free to order whatever you'd like." If the entree the boss selects costs $15, then the polite guest should stay within that limit.

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