DEAR ABBY: I have been married to the same woman for more than 30 years. My wife has recently been diagnosed with cancer. During all the years of our marriage, I blocked out everyone else because I thought all I needed was her. Now my biggest fear is that if I should lose her, I'll be completely alone. What in my personality caused me to do this? -- REGRETFUL IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR REGRETFUL: It's possible that your wife has fulfilled all of your needs for companionship during your marriage -- and/or you may not be a particularly social animal. Please don't waste your time looking backward and feeling bad about what you "should" have done but didn't. So many advances have been made in the treatment of cancer; your wife could survive to spend many more happy years with you.

If your fear is that, in the event of your wife's death, you will face a bleak and solitary future, please realize that eligible widowers in your age bracket are highly desirable. Rather than worrying about being socially isolated, worry more about holding the "casserole brigade" at bay until you're far enough along in the grieving process that you don't get involved too quickly.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced woman with two grown children. My daughter is 24; my son is 19. I am a professional firefighter and in excellent shape. I recently met a man at the gym, and we were mutually attracted. He's a firefighter in a nearby city, and we have mutual friends. There has been some discussion about going on a date, but so far nothing has transpired.

The problem, as my daughter sees it, is that he's 16 years younger than I am and one year older than she is. She's upset by the age difference and says it is "disturbing." My fiance died suddenly two years ago, and I have only recently begun dating again. I asked her to be happy for me. She responded that she thinks it's great that I'm pretty enough and in good enough shape to attract a 25-year-old, but it's "not right."

I love my daughter, but I don't want to live my life to make her happy anymore. She's an adult. Neither of my kids lives at home. I see them about once a month or so.

My daughter has discussed this with her friends, who all side with her. Because I work with men, I threw the ball into their court. They all said, "Great! Go for it!"

Why can't my daughter be happy for me? She would rather I date someone in his 40s -- and I would, if I met someone who showed any interest.

My profession is a difficult one for the average man to accept. They don't like the fact that I spend so much time around other men. I feel as though my daughter is turning this latest dating interest into something lewd and tawdry when it is far from it. What should I do? -- TINA IN TEXAS

DEAR TINA: Understand that your daughter may feel threatened because you are drawing from the same dating pool that she's fishing in. Then decide that if that man finally asks you out, you're going to live your own life and keep it private. From my perspective, too much conversation has already occurred. You have been put on the defensive, but you don't owe anyone an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced woman with two grown children. My daughter is 24; my son is 19. I am a professional firefighter and in excellent shape. I recently met a man at the gym, and we were mutually attracted. He's a firefighter in a nearby city, and we have mutual friends. There has been some discussion about going on a date, but so far nothing has transpired.

The problem, as my daughter sees it, is that he's 16 years younger than I am and one year older than she is. She's upset by the age difference and says it is "disturbing." My fiance died suddenly two years ago, and I have only recently begun dating again. I asked her to be happy for me. She responded that she thinks it's great that I'm pretty enough and in good enough shape to attract a 25-year-old, but it's "not right."

I love my daughter, but I don't want to live my life to make her happy anymore. She's an adult. Neither of my kids lives at home. I see them about once a month or so.

My daughter has discussed this with her friends, who all side with her. Because I work with men, I threw the ball into their court. They all said, "Great! Go for it!"

Why can't my daughter be happy for me? She would rather I date someone in his 40s -- and I would, if I met someone who showed any interest.

My profession is a difficult one for the average man to accept. They don't like the fact that I spend so much time around other men. I feel as though my daughter is turning this latest dating interest into something lewd and tawdry when it is far from it. What should I do? -- TINA IN TEXAS

DEAR TINA: Understand that your daughter may feel threatened because you are drawing from the same dating pool that she's fishing in. Then decide that if that man finally asks you out, you're going to live your own life and keep it private. From my perspective, too much conversation has already occurred. You have been put on the defensive, but you don't owe anyone an apology.

DEAR ABBY: May I please respond to the letter you printed on Oct. 29 from the seventh-grader whose stepmother refuses to wear a seat belt? I, too, was careless about using my belt when shoulder-strap seat belts were first available.

At the time, I worked for an insurance company, and one of the claims adjusters pointed out that when a car is going 55 miles per hour, the passengers are also going 55 miles per hour, and if "something" should suddenly stop the car, you are STILL going 55 miles per hour until the point of impact. Needless to say, I never failed to wear my seat belt after that. -- LORI IN ARNOLD, CALIF.

DEAR LORI: Thank you for the reminder. I hope the letters I am printing today will be a wake-up call to the careless and the stubborn. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a retired chief deputy coroner for Madison County, Indiana, it was my duty to investigate automobile fatalities. The No. 1 contributing cause of automobile deaths was and still is the deadly head-on collision. When two cars traveling 45 miles an hour are involved in a head-on collision, their total speed at impact is equal to 90 miles per hour. The victim is either thrown through the windshield or free of the car and killed instantly when the automobile crushes him.

Head-on collisions happen without warning: Another car crosses the median or center line, a tire blows out, someone was driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

The reason for buckling a seat belt is to prevent making contact with the windshield and to keep the passenger inside the vehicle. When this is done, your chances of survival are far greater if you're involved in a head-on auto accident. -- DONALD G. McGRANAHAN, VERO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I didn't buckle up either, until about 14 years ago. It took being in a serious car accident to convince me to always buckle up.

My injuries were numerous, including 90 stitches in my face. I have the scars as a daily reminder. To this day, I still have eye problems because my eyeball was pushed back upon impact. I had a fractured skull and a closed head injury, but fortunately, no permanent damage there. But I spent three weeks flat on my back.

How humbling it was to be carried to the tub to be bathed, and to be slid off the sofa and onto a bucket to go to the bathroom. I was not able to work for three months.

I admire that seventh-grader who wrote about his concern for his stepmother. As a stepmom myself, I would happily and cheerfully comply with a request to buckle my seat belt and count my blessings. -- LEARNED MY LESSON IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: My accident happened when cars were built like Sherman tanks, and seat belts were not required by law. I was seated next to my husband, who was driving.

We were hit head-on by a drunk driver. I broke the windshield with my face, and I was stuck in it by a shard of glass up under my chin. Both my legs and hips were broken in numerous places from the impact and the seat being thrown forward, and I have required numerous surgeries since. If you think my experience will serve as a warning to others, please print it. -- MARJORIE H.

DEAR MARJORIE H.: Here's your letter. Now let's cross our fingers.

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DEAR ABBY: I am one of your faithful readers and have personally related to some of the problems that appear in your column. I have been particularly moved by letters in which people share their personal experiences regarding acts of kindness.

As a foster child, I was lucky to have been placed in a secure and loving home. I try each and every day to pass on the love that I have received (from both my biological family and my extended one) to the people I meet. It can be a gesture as simple as helping to carry someone's groceries to the car, or offering a ride to a mother with small children whose car has broken down or a parent pushing a stroller in the rain.

I hope I will be able to teach this trait to my children. I would like them to help others because it is the right thing to do, not because there is a benefit to be reaped.

So please, fellow readers, pay it forward. Help others not only because it feels good, but also teaches our kids that being a good person is its own reward. -- ANDI IN ATLANTA

DEAR ANDI: Thank you for an "upper" of a letter. I am certain that you will pass along to your children the lesson of selfless giving because children learn by example. And lucky they are to have a parent like you.

DEAR ABBY: When is it OK to correct the mispronunciation of a word? I need to, but I'm not sure how to go about it.

My husband, "Rob," is an intelligent and educated man, but he has no idea how to pronounce some words that he uses on a daily basis. Most of these words pertain to Rob's hobby, which is salt-water aquariums, and I'm afraid his credibility is taking a beating because of it. He talks about his tank a lot. Rob knows what he's talking about, but he doesn't know how to say it. Should I say something to him? -- TREADING WATER IN HAWAII

DEAR TREADING: It is no more "snobbish" to say to one's mate, "Honey, I love you, but you're mispronouncing that word," than to tell him that his zipper is open. It shows that you care. When you mention it, do it in private, and be sure to have a dictionary close by. After that, what he chooses to do about it is his choice.

DEAR ABBY: I was married in November, and one of my co-workers, "Brooke," attended the ceremony. Her gift to me was a vase. When we opened the box, my husband and I discovered that the vase was engraved with Brooke's and her husband's names and their wedding date. Tucked inside the vase was a card from the couple who had given it to them for their wedding.

How should I handle this? Should I return the vase to her, or ignore it and give it to Goodwill? -- JENNIFER IN PORT ORCHARD, WASH.

DEAR JENNIFER: Neither. Remove the card, re-wrap the gift, and give it to Brooke on her next anniversary.

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