DEAR ABBY: We have out-of-state friends who have two daughters, ages 10 and 11. More than once I have seen the mother give her girls sips of her wine -- even hard liquor -- when she is drinking. We do not allow our children to do this. We have discussed drinking in moderation with them, but only when they are of legal age.

My problem is, this friend and her family will soon be coming here to visit. She has now informed me that she'll be bringing a bottle of wine for her girls to drink. When I asked her not to because I'm not comfortable with it and my kids aren't allowed to do so, she started arguing that mine don't have to. Then she said that she wouldn't bring a bottle for her girls, but would let them have some of hers. She argues that this is common in Europe.

This situation has me uncomfortable. Am I being unreasonable? -- OLD-FASHIONED IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Unless your friend and her family LIVE in Europe, please wake up to the fact that she is trying to rationalize her own alcohol problem. While some parents allow children an occasional sip of whatever they (the parents) are drinking, they do NOT bring along an extra bottle "for their children"!

This indicates to me that the girls are doing a lot more than "sipping." What you have described is a family in serious need of an intervention, because your friend's behavior is child endangerment. She's jeopardizing her children's health. My advice is to tell her you would prefer no alcohol in your house -- period. I'm betting it will cause her to cancel her plans to visit.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Dee," who is more than 50 pounds overweight. She wears the trendiest clothes, styles her hair and makeup to perfection, and has oodles of male friends she'd love to be more than friends with, but has never been in a serious relationship.

When we go out with her male friends, they shower me with compliments and attention. I'm friendly, but never flirt with them. It makes me uncomfortable that Dee -- who I'm constantly trying to shift attention to by mentioning the "funny thing she did at work today," or a compliment that she received at work, etc. -- is obviously unhappy.

I love spending time with her, but feel like if I'm there she'll get less attention and lessen her chances of finding a significant other. Dee has a wonderful personality and is one of the nicest people I know. I really want to see her happy.

I have even resorted to lying to her about men looking at her in a bar or fabricating compliments that I say I overheard a male friend say about her. It visually changes her mood for the better, but I feel awful for making it up. I'm becoming exhausted trying not to show interest in her friends, "dressing down" when we go out so as not to attract attention, and lying to her to make it all better. What can I do besides avoid her altogether? -- "DEE"-VOTED FRIEND IN D.C.

DEAR FRIEND: The first thing you must do is stop lying to her. Every time you do, you raise her hopes that the person you have invented will show an interest, which of course can never happen.

The second is to have a loving and truthful discussion with her about how much you care about her and about her weight because it affects not only her social life, but it could also affect her health. Sometimes it takes a loving friend to direct our attention to something we would rather ignore, and it appears in this case, that person is you.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for instructing "Pulled in Two in California" (Nov. 1) to stick by her decision to keep a troubled child out of the system. As a newly licensed educator, I find the attitude of the granddaughter to be indicative of our times. It appears the girl's mother has completely dropped the ball.

Today, sadly, mediocrity is the norm. How can we expect better from our children if those who are supposed to teach them, both at home and at school, settle for so little? Grandma should stand firm. By doing so, she'll teach her granddaughter a long overdue lesson. -- TEACHER IN ALABAMA

DEAR TEACHER: I agree with you about the importance of adults teaching by example. In this case, it could be the defining moment in her foster child's life. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was 18 when my husband's 11-year-old sister moved in with us. Their parents are convicted drug addicts who never had time for their children. I shudder to think about where "Kim" might be if we hadn't taken her.

Her parents didn't make her go to school because they didn't feel like getting up to take her. She had no rules and got her own way so she would leave them alone. We had a hard time with her at first because she didn't want to follow rules.

Kim is now 17, a junior in high school and has made the honor roll for the first time since she was in grammar school. She is learning that her life is not defined by her parents' actions. She's happy, healthy and well-mannered, and I'm proud of her.

"Pulled in Two" is doing the right thing. Kids can't control what they're born into, but we can help them control what they become by not giving up on them. -- KIM'S 23-YEAR-OLD "MOM" IN ARKANSAS

DEAR ABBY: That grandmother needs to get herself to a foster/adoption parent support group or a therapist who specializes in adoption. Her local foster/adoption agency can provide a contact. I also suggest Adoptive Families magazine, which is online. -- DIANE IN CASTLETON, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Pulled in Two" was excellent. It underscored that foster youth and former foster youth need stable influences in their lives. The last thing that young girl needs is for someone else to abandon her, as her mother and former best friend have.

I want to make you and your readers aware of a full five-year scholarship program for former foster youth and emancipated minors. It's called Guardian Scholars, and it's at Cal State-Fullerton. The program provides housing, tuition and books to youth who would likely not otherwise have the chance to further their education.

This model is being implemented on campuses throughout California and in other states as well. The success rate is excellent, and because my wife works in the program, we have had the privilege of meeting dozens of truly amazing young people. -- ROGER K., BREA, CALIF.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A very Merry Christmas to you all!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband had a stroke the morning of New Year's Eve last year. He died on New Year's Day. This year has been hard for me. With the help of my strong faith and my family, I have been coping.

I am having an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness about the upcoming New Year's events. I don't want to go to any gatherings. (We usually stayed home.) I feel like going away, but where could I go without a lot of party stuff going on?

Should I just stay home and deal with the reminder of the events of his stroke happening here at home? I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to sit around bawling my eyes out reliving the whole nightmare, either. I'm confused and don't think I am thinking clearly.

I am not in some deep depression. I have accepted my husband's death, although I miss him dearly. I just feel nervous and anxious, and I don't feel like celebrating. Please help me figure this out. -- HOLIDAY BLUES IN INDIANA

DEAR HOLIDAY BLUES: Please know that all the feelings you are experiencing are absolutely normal. It is entirely possible that from now on you will associate New Year's with your husband's death. No law says that you must celebrate this holiday. If you would prefer not to be home at this time, consider checking into a hotel and asking a close friend or family member to join you.

Hopefully, as time goes by your anxiety will lessen. However, if that doesn't happen, then counseling can help you.

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced in 2001 after a 20-year marriage. They reconciled a few years later, only to split up again after Dad once more had an affair with a younger woman. Dad is now living with his girlfriend, and the situation has my mother severely depressed.

Mom is in poor health due to a severe heart condition. She has had multiple bypass surgeries over the last 15 years and has a defibrillator permanently implanted in her chest. And she's not even 50.

Every time I speak with her or go to visit, she dwells only on the things Dad has done to her. I understand her pain, but I don't know how to help her overcome it. Words cannot express the contempt I have toward him for doing this to her again.

Mom can't work because of the stress it puts on her heart. I try to get her to go out and do things, hoping it will ease her out of her depression, but she wants only to stay home, do housework and watch daytime soap operas. She has also begun smoking again against her doctor's orders.

How can I help her before she works herself into another heart attack? -- HEARTSICK IN HOUSTON

DEAR HEARTSICK: Your mother appears to be chronically depressed, and part of it may be due to her heart condition. You can't fix what ails her, but you should accompany her to see her doctor and explain what's going on. It's possible that with a combination of counseling and medication, her depression can be treated and she'll end the self-destructive lifestyle she has adopted. Because of her serious medical problems, her doctor should also be involved in her rehabilitation.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)