DEAR ABBY: Thank you for instructing "Pulled in Two in California" (Nov. 1) to stick by her decision to keep a troubled child out of the system. As a newly licensed educator, I find the attitude of the granddaughter to be indicative of our times. It appears the girl's mother has completely dropped the ball.

Today, sadly, mediocrity is the norm. How can we expect better from our children if those who are supposed to teach them, both at home and at school, settle for so little? Grandma should stand firm. By doing so, she'll teach her granddaughter a long overdue lesson. -- TEACHER IN ALABAMA

DEAR TEACHER: I agree with you about the importance of adults teaching by example. In this case, it could be the defining moment in her foster child's life. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was 18 when my husband's 11-year-old sister moved in with us. Their parents are convicted drug addicts who never had time for their children. I shudder to think about where "Kim" might be if we hadn't taken her.

Her parents didn't make her go to school because they didn't feel like getting up to take her. She had no rules and got her own way so she would leave them alone. We had a hard time with her at first because she didn't want to follow rules.

Kim is now 17, a junior in high school and has made the honor roll for the first time since she was in grammar school. She is learning that her life is not defined by her parents' actions. She's happy, healthy and well-mannered, and I'm proud of her.

"Pulled in Two" is doing the right thing. Kids can't control what they're born into, but we can help them control what they become by not giving up on them. -- KIM'S 23-YEAR-OLD "MOM" IN ARKANSAS

DEAR ABBY: That grandmother needs to get herself to a foster/adoption parent support group or a therapist who specializes in adoption. Her local foster/adoption agency can provide a contact. I also suggest Adoptive Families magazine, which is online. -- DIANE IN CASTLETON, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Pulled in Two" was excellent. It underscored that foster youth and former foster youth need stable influences in their lives. The last thing that young girl needs is for someone else to abandon her, as her mother and former best friend have.

I want to make you and your readers aware of a full five-year scholarship program for former foster youth and emancipated minors. It's called Guardian Scholars, and it's at Cal State-Fullerton. The program provides housing, tuition and books to youth who would likely not otherwise have the chance to further their education.

This model is being implemented on campuses throughout California and in other states as well. The success rate is excellent, and because my wife works in the program, we have had the privilege of meeting dozens of truly amazing young people. -- ROGER K., BREA, CALIF.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A very Merry Christmas to you all!

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DEAR ABBY: My husband had a stroke the morning of New Year's Eve last year. He died on New Year's Day. This year has been hard for me. With the help of my strong faith and my family, I have been coping.

I am having an overwhelming feeling of anxiousness about the upcoming New Year's events. I don't want to go to any gatherings. (We usually stayed home.) I feel like going away, but where could I go without a lot of party stuff going on?

Should I just stay home and deal with the reminder of the events of his stroke happening here at home? I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to sit around bawling my eyes out reliving the whole nightmare, either. I'm confused and don't think I am thinking clearly.

I am not in some deep depression. I have accepted my husband's death, although I miss him dearly. I just feel nervous and anxious, and I don't feel like celebrating. Please help me figure this out. -- HOLIDAY BLUES IN INDIANA

DEAR HOLIDAY BLUES: Please know that all the feelings you are experiencing are absolutely normal. It is entirely possible that from now on you will associate New Year's with your husband's death. No law says that you must celebrate this holiday. If you would prefer not to be home at this time, consider checking into a hotel and asking a close friend or family member to join you.

Hopefully, as time goes by your anxiety will lessen. However, if that doesn't happen, then counseling can help you.

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced in 2001 after a 20-year marriage. They reconciled a few years later, only to split up again after Dad once more had an affair with a younger woman. Dad is now living with his girlfriend, and the situation has my mother severely depressed.

Mom is in poor health due to a severe heart condition. She has had multiple bypass surgeries over the last 15 years and has a defibrillator permanently implanted in her chest. And she's not even 50.

Every time I speak with her or go to visit, she dwells only on the things Dad has done to her. I understand her pain, but I don't know how to help her overcome it. Words cannot express the contempt I have toward him for doing this to her again.

Mom can't work because of the stress it puts on her heart. I try to get her to go out and do things, hoping it will ease her out of her depression, but she wants only to stay home, do housework and watch daytime soap operas. She has also begun smoking again against her doctor's orders.

How can I help her before she works herself into another heart attack? -- HEARTSICK IN HOUSTON

DEAR HEARTSICK: Your mother appears to be chronically depressed, and part of it may be due to her heart condition. You can't fix what ails her, but you should accompany her to see her doctor and explain what's going on. It's possible that with a combination of counseling and medication, her depression can be treated and she'll end the self-destructive lifestyle she has adopted. Because of her serious medical problems, her doctor should also be involved in her rehabilitation.

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DEAR ABBY: As you know, when students are in their last year of high school, their minds start wandering to other places -- college, careers, marriage, etc. But my daughter is the complete opposite. All she wants to do is party and have fun.

When I approach her about the importance of planning her future -- things like college and work -- she tells me to "take a chill pill" and refuses to listen.

I want the best for my daughter. I'm a single parent and am afraid she won't get the education she deserves. She was a very bright student. She was on her way to being valedictorian until she took a turn for the worse. I have tried everything. I even scheduled a meeting with her school guidance counselor. My daughter never showed up. What can I do? -- SCARED PARENT IN PUERTO RICO

DEAR SCARED PARENT: Girls on their way to be(coming) class valedictorian don't normally take the kind of nosedive your daughter has. The first thing you should do is screen her for drugs. If she tests positive, get her into rehab. This will effectively remove her from the "party scene."

If the results are negative, sit your party girl down and inform her that the party is over. The time to start planning her independent future is here and now, and unless she wants to face the job market with only a high school degree she needs to make plans to complete her education.

And, dear parent, if that girl prescribes one more "chill pill" for you, show her in no uncertain terms what life will be like trying to build a secure future while earning minimum wage. After that, what happens will be up to her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old high school student with a big problem. My boyfriend of two months, "Justin," gave up smoking for me. We made an agreement that if he started again, I would dump him.

Now he's asking my permission to start again. I don't want Justin to smoke, but he tells me that smoking is "a part of him," although he wants me to be happy and knows I am against it.

I really like Justin and love being around him. But if he smokes I know it will cause a lot of problems with us. Please help me, Abby, because I'm not sure how long I can take this. -- ANTI-SMOKING IN ST. PAUL

DEAR ANTI-SMOKING: My experts tell me that smoking is both treacherous and addictive. The earlier a person starts, the harder it is to quit because the need for the nicotine becomes hard-wired into the brain. I have never heard anyone say that smoking improved his or her health, although I have heard more than one person say that it shortened their lives.

If you truly care about Justin, you will stand your ground and remind him that you have an agreement, and in order to have you for a girlfriend, he will have to hold up his end. Believe me, you'll be doing him a favor.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and have a problem. My mom's stepdad just passed away. My problem is I'm not sad. I mean, I knew him well enough -- but I'm not SAD. My mom cried, but I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? -- PROBLEM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR P.I.P.: There is nothing wrong with you. Every person grieves in his or her own way. It's possible that your mother's stepdad occupied a larger place in her life than he did in yours. Therefore, the empty space his passing has left is greater for her than for you. You're normal, so stop worrying.

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