DEAR ABBY: I have a special cake recipe that I have perfected over the years. I get compliments on it and requests for the recipe every time I take one to any non-family gathering.

People often ask me to make these cakes for them for special occasions. I always tell them that I will need to charge them for it because the ingredients are expensive. No one has a problem with paying me.

I love to cook, and it gives me pleasure to see people enjoy something I have prepared. However, because I use my special recipe as another source of income -- albeit a small one -- what can I say to those people who demand that they must have the recipe?

I usually evade the question by ignoring them, which I know is rude, but I don't know how to tell them "no" without seeming offensive and snobbish. Please help. -- FRUSTRATED COOK

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Saying no nicely shouldn't be difficult if you say it with a smile. One way would be to say, "I'm sorry -- I don't share this recipe because it's a way I can earn extra money." That's not rude; it's the truth. Another smiling response might be, "Coca-Cola isn't giving away its recipe, and neither am I!"

DEAR ABBY: I go to church with a woman who is generous and means well, but she likes to give away her old hand-me-down clothing. Recently she gave me two old dresses that fit me, but I wouldn't be caught dead in. I'm 15, and she doesn't understand that.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so when she asked if they fit and if I liked them, I told her they did and they were pretty.

My mom is planning to donate the dresses to charity. But now the woman is saying she wants to give me more of her old dresses. I don't know how to handle this. -- SECONDHAND TEEN

DEAR SECONDHAND TEEN: Your neighbor is both kind-hearted and generous. She also appears to be into recycling, which is a good thing.

Before you turn your nose up at what she is offering, please consider that vintage clothing can be valuable. Some of it is "classic" and can be worn regardless of what the current fad may be. Members of the Hollywood crowd, as well as fashionable members of New York society, already know this. I often see their photos in magazines wearing some of the marvelous items they have collected.

However, if your neighbor's dresses are really not your style, then you should be honest and graciously tell your neighbor that they're not for you.

DEAR ABBY: When you're at a restaurant, after you have made your selection from the menu, what should you do with it? Do you place it closed directly in front of you, or place it hanging halfway off the table? -- CONFUSED IN DENVER

DEAR CONFUSED: If the server has not yet taken my order, I close the menu and place it beside me on the table. (The closed menu signals to the server that I have made my choice.) After my order is taken, I hand the menu to the server.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: While my daughter and I were at the supermarket, we ran into Santa at the deli! You can't imagine my daughter's surprise -- not to mention my own.

There he was, with his perfect bowling ball head and full white beard. He had a jolly big belly, rosy cheeks, even small square wire-framed glasses. He wasn't dressed in his traditional holiday outfit; he was casually dressed.

My daughter, who is 9, had started having serious doubts about Santa last year, but she sure does believe now. She ran up to him and said, "I knew it! I knew you were real! Where's your sleigh? Where's your reindeer?"

The man winked at me, looked down at my daughter and said, "Sweetheart, they're at the North Pole. I'm in the area checking things out before Christmas." Then he asked her if she had been a good girl. When she said yes, he advised her to write him a letter. It was wonderful.

I know some people don't believe, and I know some feel it is technically lying to children, and not everyone shares the same religious beliefs. I respect their right to celebrate the holidays in their own way.

I grew up poor. I knew when Christmas morning came it would be no different than the year before on Christmas Day -- there would be nothing. I missed out on so many wonderful things in my childhood.

Like many parents, I want my kids to have the childhood I didn't have. I studied hard, got a good education, met a wonderful man and married. We have two beautiful daughters, 9 and 11. We're not rich, but we're comfortable and don't want for much.

Every Christmas, my children and I go to the local mall and visit the Orphan Tree. Each of them chooses an orphan and buys him or her whatever is on his/her list. I explained when they were younger that sometimes even Santa needs a helping hand. I also point out how fortunate they are -- and when you are fortunate, you must give something back.

To you and your readers: Whether you choose to believe or not -- I wish you happy holidays. -- STILL A BELIEVER IN OHIO

DEAR STILL A BELIEVER: It is a wise parent who not only enjoys the holiday season, but also uses it as a teachable moment to show children the true spirit of giving to others. Happy holidays to you, too -- and to my readers as well.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Phil" books an annual trip every year for a closely knit group of 12 friends. We pay him by check and eventually receive flight schedules, hotel reservations, etc.

We have recently learned that Phil receives about $500 a year in perks and credit card points for booking these trips. He never mentioned it to any of us. Instead, he makes believe that we're indebted to him for his service.

Isn't it customary and ethical to redistribute such money to everyone in one form or another? Should we confront him about this? -- COUSIN ROB IN NEW YORK

DEAR COUSIN ROB: I see no reason to confront Phil. Nor do I see why he should compensate you and the others for any money he received for doing all the work of arranging the trips. The arrangement you have described is not uncommon.

However, if you and the others feel cheated because Phil was compensated for something you assumed he was doing for nothing -- then each of you should take turns making the travel plans so the perks and airline points are automatically divided among you. (When you do, you may find that Phil worked hard for the money.)

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have found the man I will be with for the rest of my life. I knew from the moment I met him that he was The One. We are very happy and very much in love.

Ever since I was about 9, my mother and I have had our palms read, our tarot cards done, charted our birth signs, etc. It's a little superstitious, but hey -- we have fun with it. We still do it to this day.

When I was 17, our palm reader proceeded to tell me about my life and explained that I will have two husbands, and my first husband will die. Abby, I can't stop thinking about this, and when I do I can't hold back the tears. I can't tell my boyfriend because, as anyone would, he'll think I am being silly.

I wouldn't take this so seriously if the palm reader hadn't been so accurate regarding past experiences in my life. I need some sort of relief from my fear because I'm afraid that when we're married I'll always be waiting for the day my husband doesn't come home. Please help me. -- MISERABLE IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR MISERABLE: I live in a community where psychics and palm readers are as omnipresent as head lice. While some of them can be remarkably accurate in their predictions, others are charlatans. What your letter illustrates is that while palm reading, tarot, etc. can make for lively entertainment, superstition can be a powerful and destructive force.

May I point out that statistically most women outlive men. Viewed in that light, what your psychic told you wasn't necessarily bad news. It could be interpreted to mean that you will have a long and happy union with the man you love. And when he predeceases you -- as most men do -- you will once again find love. And, honey, from my perspective, that's GOOD news.

DEAR ABBY: Allow me to share with your readers an idea that can help others. Many charitable organizations mail out cards, wrapping paper and note cards with requests for contributions. If they aren't needed, please donate them to nursing homes or assisted-living centers.

Many people who live in such places cannot afford to buy cards, paper, etc. for loved ones. Also, old paperback novels and magazines are always appreciated. -- AMY IN VIRGINIA BEACH

DEAR AMY: I love your idea. Now let me share another one -- for travelers who accumulate extra soaps, shampoos, hair conditioners and body lotions in hotels. These items can be donated to homeless shelters to be given to those less fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old female and work closely with a 45-year-old man. This man frequently asks me very personal questions and pushes his religious ideas on me. I have told him I do not share his religious beliefs and don't wish to discuss them at work, but it hasn't worked.

How do you politely, but forcibly, tell a co-worker that he is overstepping his bounds when he doesn't seem to know when to stop? -- JEWISH GAL IN MARYLAND

DEAR JEWISH GAL: Tell your co-worker you respect his religious beliefs and you expect him to respect yours because you are happy with them. Then say that you will tolerate no more of his efforts at conversion because they are bordering on harassment -- and if he continues you will report him to your supervisor or the boss.

You have a right to work free of religious harassment, and if your boss doesn't put a stop to it, you could bring legal action or file a claim with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)