DEAR ABBY: While my daughter and I were at the supermarket, we ran into Santa at the deli! You can't imagine my daughter's surprise -- not to mention my own.

There he was, with his perfect bowling ball head and full white beard. He had a jolly big belly, rosy cheeks, even small square wire-framed glasses. He wasn't dressed in his traditional holiday outfit; he was casually dressed.

My daughter, who is 9, had started having serious doubts about Santa last year, but she sure does believe now. She ran up to him and said, "I knew it! I knew you were real! Where's your sleigh? Where's your reindeer?"

The man winked at me, looked down at my daughter and said, "Sweetheart, they're at the North Pole. I'm in the area checking things out before Christmas." Then he asked her if she had been a good girl. When she said yes, he advised her to write him a letter. It was wonderful.

I know some people don't believe, and I know some feel it is technically lying to children, and not everyone shares the same religious beliefs. I respect their right to celebrate the holidays in their own way.

I grew up poor. I knew when Christmas morning came it would be no different than the year before on Christmas Day -- there would be nothing. I missed out on so many wonderful things in my childhood.

Like many parents, I want my kids to have the childhood I didn't have. I studied hard, got a good education, met a wonderful man and married. We have two beautiful daughters, 9 and 11. We're not rich, but we're comfortable and don't want for much.

Every Christmas, my children and I go to the local mall and visit the Orphan Tree. Each of them chooses an orphan and buys him or her whatever is on his/her list. I explained when they were younger that sometimes even Santa needs a helping hand. I also point out how fortunate they are -- and when you are fortunate, you must give something back.

To you and your readers: Whether you choose to believe or not -- I wish you happy holidays. -- STILL A BELIEVER IN OHIO

DEAR STILL A BELIEVER: It is a wise parent who not only enjoys the holiday season, but also uses it as a teachable moment to show children the true spirit of giving to others. Happy holidays to you, too -- and to my readers as well.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Phil" books an annual trip every year for a closely knit group of 12 friends. We pay him by check and eventually receive flight schedules, hotel reservations, etc.

We have recently learned that Phil receives about $500 a year in perks and credit card points for booking these trips. He never mentioned it to any of us. Instead, he makes believe that we're indebted to him for his service.

Isn't it customary and ethical to redistribute such money to everyone in one form or another? Should we confront him about this? -- COUSIN ROB IN NEW YORK

DEAR COUSIN ROB: I see no reason to confront Phil. Nor do I see why he should compensate you and the others for any money he received for doing all the work of arranging the trips. The arrangement you have described is not uncommon.

However, if you and the others feel cheated because Phil was compensated for something you assumed he was doing for nothing -- then each of you should take turns making the travel plans so the perks and airline points are automatically divided among you. (When you do, you may find that Phil worked hard for the money.)

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have found the man I will be with for the rest of my life. I knew from the moment I met him that he was The One. We are very happy and very much in love.

Ever since I was about 9, my mother and I have had our palms read, our tarot cards done, charted our birth signs, etc. It's a little superstitious, but hey -- we have fun with it. We still do it to this day.

When I was 17, our palm reader proceeded to tell me about my life and explained that I will have two husbands, and my first husband will die. Abby, I can't stop thinking about this, and when I do I can't hold back the tears. I can't tell my boyfriend because, as anyone would, he'll think I am being silly.

I wouldn't take this so seriously if the palm reader hadn't been so accurate regarding past experiences in my life. I need some sort of relief from my fear because I'm afraid that when we're married I'll always be waiting for the day my husband doesn't come home. Please help me. -- MISERABLE IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR MISERABLE: I live in a community where psychics and palm readers are as omnipresent as head lice. While some of them can be remarkably accurate in their predictions, others are charlatans. What your letter illustrates is that while palm reading, tarot, etc. can make for lively entertainment, superstition can be a powerful and destructive force.

May I point out that statistically most women outlive men. Viewed in that light, what your psychic told you wasn't necessarily bad news. It could be interpreted to mean that you will have a long and happy union with the man you love. And when he predeceases you -- as most men do -- you will once again find love. And, honey, from my perspective, that's GOOD news.

DEAR ABBY: Allow me to share with your readers an idea that can help others. Many charitable organizations mail out cards, wrapping paper and note cards with requests for contributions. If they aren't needed, please donate them to nursing homes or assisted-living centers.

Many people who live in such places cannot afford to buy cards, paper, etc. for loved ones. Also, old paperback novels and magazines are always appreciated. -- AMY IN VIRGINIA BEACH

DEAR AMY: I love your idea. Now let me share another one -- for travelers who accumulate extra soaps, shampoos, hair conditioners and body lotions in hotels. These items can be donated to homeless shelters to be given to those less fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old female and work closely with a 45-year-old man. This man frequently asks me very personal questions and pushes his religious ideas on me. I have told him I do not share his religious beliefs and don't wish to discuss them at work, but it hasn't worked.

How do you politely, but forcibly, tell a co-worker that he is overstepping his bounds when he doesn't seem to know when to stop? -- JEWISH GAL IN MARYLAND

DEAR JEWISH GAL: Tell your co-worker you respect his religious beliefs and you expect him to respect yours because you are happy with them. Then say that you will tolerate no more of his efforts at conversion because they are bordering on harassment -- and if he continues you will report him to your supervisor or the boss.

You have a right to work free of religious harassment, and if your boss doesn't put a stop to it, you could bring legal action or file a claim with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate, generous and caring."

She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?"

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)