DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed the feedback I received regarding a letter from "Smothered in Michigan," a recently divorced mother of two. Her ex-husband had been an alcoholic. She's now dating his "polar opposite" who "treats her like a queen" and is "loving, affectionate, generous and caring."

She went on to say he stops by her job "only a few" times a day, and the minute she's home he shows up at her door. All her dinners are with him -- he pays for everything -- and he doesn't leave until her kids go to bed. He spends every waking hour with her and accompanies her wherever she goes. She said she knows she should feel grateful, but instead feels "indebted, stalked, controlled and burdened." Her question: "Am I just being selfish, and can I train myself to like being spoiled?"

I told her she and the man were overdue for a frank talk about personal space, that she's still healing from her divorce, and he seems so smitten or insecure that he's preventing her from figuring out where she ends and he begins.

Many readers felt she should listen to her intuition, that the man is a potential abuser, and the traits she listed are red flags.

Today I'll share the classic warning signs of an abuser. Read on:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser presses for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," then dismisses them with "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Smothered in Michigan" (Oct. 24), whose "loving, caring, generous boyfriend" stops by her job "only a few times a day" and shows up at her door the minute she gets home from work, was wrong. You told her to tell him she needs some space. Well, that won't work.

Men like these, under the pretext of "love," try to inhabit every molecule of air around the women they target. I dated a man like him until I finally woke up to the fact that there was no such thing as personal space with him. He'd show up unexpectedly (with flowers), call first thing in the morning "to see how I was" and last thing at night (bed check!), etc. I can relate to the writer's feeling smothered.

My psychologist pointed out that this guy's need to control me was beyond obsessive and helped me to realize he wasn't ever going to change, so I needed to get away. I did, but it wasn't easy. These guys do not want to go away! My advice to "Smothered": End this relationship and find a man who will both love you and give you space to be yourself. -- FORMERLY SMOTHERED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FORMERLY SMOTHERED: After that letter appeared, I received a ton of mail like yours from readers warning "Smothered" that she needs to get away, and that getting away may be complicated. For others in this situation, the number to call to form a safe escape plan is (800) 799-SAFE (7233) -- the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Smothered in Michigan" may be picking up on signs of an abusive personality, which include isolating the victim and constantly checking up on her. Stopping by her work "only a few times a day" is a few times too many, because it could cost her her job and spring the trap for this potential abuser to make her totally dependent upon him.

As someone who works daily with victims of domestic violence, I would urge her to contact the nearest domestic violence program to learn more about how to identify a potential batterer. -- VICTIM ADVOCATE IN ALABAMA

DEAR ABBY: I speak from experience. Men who can't let a woman out of their sight are often abusers. While in college, I met a man I thought was Prince Charming. He showered me with gifts, waited on me hand and foot and wouldn't allow me to lift a finger. His darker side emerged as I came to realize that by monopolizing my time and removing my ability to make decisions, he was cutting me off from everything. I no longer went out with friends and family -- only him. I couldn't make a move without him tagging along.

"Smothered's" sense that she's becoming "indebted" is dead-on. He will soon call in that marker. Mine did when he started tracking wherever I went, dropped by my classes, even recorded the mileage on my car. One night he became enraged because I hadn't returned from a visit with a relative "on time" and bounced me off a wall.

"Smothered" needs to listen to that creepy feeling she's having. And you, Abby, should know better. -- BOBBY IN NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Every woman in my office -- and we're all counselors -- agree that "Gary" is an abuser waiting to happen. He's already indebting her, showing insensitivity to her feelings, smothering and controlling her. She was married to an alcoholic, which may be a sign of her poor judgment when it comes to men. She needs to drop him -- and fast. -- KNOW 'EM WHEN WE SEE 'EM

READERS: Tomorrow I'll reprint one of my most requested items, the warning signs of an abuser. Perhaps we could all use a reminder.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Paul" for two years. I have two children (6 and 4), whom Paul has loved and accepted since day one. His patience and affection for them never cease to amaze me.

Paul has a 5-year-old daughter, "Daisy," from a previous marriage who spends every other weekend with us. I'm having a hard time accepting her place in our lives. I want to be happy and welcome Daisy, but I am growing more angry and resentful by the day. I'm not a mean person. I love children, so why do I resent her so? This may sound terrible, but I just want a life with my kids and the man I love -- no strings attached.

Paul can't exclude Daisy from his life, and I wouldn't dream of asking him to. I hate to end a beautiful relationship, but I don't know what else to do. We've already postponed our wedding. With a huge issue like this hanging over us, we know we can't be married until we figure this out. Help! -- ALICIA IN ATLANTA

DEAR ALICIA: If you want to marry Paul, you will have to fully accept that they're a package deal. You do not have to "love" his daughter, but you WILL have to respect her feelings. Imagine yourself in her position, coming to visit your household two weekends a month. Wouldn't you want to be welcomed and treated with kindness?

Your inability to accept Daisy may be due to the fact that she's living, breathing proof that Paul was once in love with another woman. (Is it possible she resembles her mother?) Counseling might help you resolve this. Another source I recommend is a Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.steptogether.org" ��www.steptogether.org�. Please don't wait too long to see what it has to offer.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter's best friend's mother died suddenly. She was 43. I am 44. I know everyone grieves differently, but my question is, why am I crying every time I think about it?

I knew the woman who passed away, but we weren't close friends. I just knew her as my daughter's friend's mom. I could understand it if we had been close. Please help me figure this out. -- CRYING IN THE EAST

DEAR CRYING: Gladly. First of all, tragedy has hit close to home. You may be crying because the woman died so young. She was a contemporary, and you identify with her.

Also, because your daughters are close, you can see firsthand how much not only the motherless daughter will miss during these important years in her life, but also how much the mother will have missed. And by the way, those are valid reasons to shed tears. Doing so shows that you have a tender, caring heart.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter's best friend's mother died suddenly. She was 43. I am 44. I know everyone grieves differently, but my question is, why am I crying every time I think about it?

I knew the woman who passed away, but we weren't close friends. I just knew her as my daughter's friend's mom. I could understand it if we had been close. Please help me figure this out. -- CRYING IN THE EAST

DEAR CRYING: Gladly. First of all, tragedy has hit close to home. You may be crying because the woman died so young. She was a contemporary, and you identify with her.

Also, because your daughters are close, you can see firsthand how much not only the motherless daughter will miss during these important years in her life, but also how much the mother will have missed. And by the way, those are valid reasons to shed tears. Doing so shows that you have a tender, caring heart.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I have known each other since we were very young. There's one big difference between us. Her family has a lot of money -- mine doesn't.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I still have no idea what to get her. What do you give the girl who has everything and still stay within a tight budget? Please help me. I hate to once again give a cheap gift to such a close friend. -- POOR IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR "POOR": A meaningful gift does not have to be something expensive. It's one that was selected with some thought behind it. Because you don't have much to spend, consider making your friend a gift. While it will not be expensive, it will be one of a kind. Or give her something she can "fill" herself, like a picture frame or a diary.