DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Paul" for two years. I have two children (6 and 4), whom Paul has loved and accepted since day one. His patience and affection for them never cease to amaze me.

Paul has a 5-year-old daughter, "Daisy," from a previous marriage who spends every other weekend with us. I'm having a hard time accepting her place in our lives. I want to be happy and welcome Daisy, but I am growing more angry and resentful by the day. I'm not a mean person. I love children, so why do I resent her so? This may sound terrible, but I just want a life with my kids and the man I love -- no strings attached.

Paul can't exclude Daisy from his life, and I wouldn't dream of asking him to. I hate to end a beautiful relationship, but I don't know what else to do. We've already postponed our wedding. With a huge issue like this hanging over us, we know we can't be married until we figure this out. Help! -- ALICIA IN ATLANTA

DEAR ALICIA: If you want to marry Paul, you will have to fully accept that they're a package deal. You do not have to "love" his daughter, but you WILL have to respect her feelings. Imagine yourself in her position, coming to visit your household two weekends a month. Wouldn't you want to be welcomed and treated with kindness?

Your inability to accept Daisy may be due to the fact that she's living, breathing proof that Paul was once in love with another woman. (Is it possible she resembles her mother?) Counseling might help you resolve this. Another source I recommend is a Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.steptogether.org" ��www.steptogether.org�. Please don't wait too long to see what it has to offer.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter's best friend's mother died suddenly. She was 43. I am 44. I know everyone grieves differently, but my question is, why am I crying every time I think about it?

I knew the woman who passed away, but we weren't close friends. I just knew her as my daughter's friend's mom. I could understand it if we had been close. Please help me figure this out. -- CRYING IN THE EAST

DEAR CRYING: Gladly. First of all, tragedy has hit close to home. You may be crying because the woman died so young. She was a contemporary, and you identify with her.

Also, because your daughters are close, you can see firsthand how much not only the motherless daughter will miss during these important years in her life, but also how much the mother will have missed. And by the way, those are valid reasons to shed tears. Doing so shows that you have a tender, caring heart.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I have known each other since we were very young. There's one big difference between us. Her family has a lot of money -- mine doesn't.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I still have no idea what to get her. What do you give the girl who has everything and still stay within a tight budget? Please help me. I hate to once again give a cheap gift to such a close friend. -- POOR IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR "POOR": A meaningful gift does not have to be something expensive. It's one that was selected with some thought behind it. Because you don't have much to spend, consider making your friend a gift. While it will not be expensive, it will be one of a kind. Or give her something she can "fill" herself, like a picture frame or a diary.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a great guy, "Curtis," for about a year, and I'm happy with everything about our relationship except for one thing. Curtis lives out of town. I live in the same town as his parents. He stays with me many weekends, and when he visits his parents and they ask where he is staying, he lies to them.

I understand that his folks are religious and that they wouldn't approve of his staying over, but Curtis is 25 years old. At this point, shouldn't he be able to choose what he wants to do?

My parents are also traditional in their beliefs, but I have made it clear to Curtis that I was raised to tell the truth, even if it means disappointing someone. His mom and dad have met me. They know this is an enduring relationship. I want him to feel comfortable telling them where he's staying on weekends.

Should I stop worrying about this, or should Curtis be telling his parents the truth? I know he loves me, but I feel like his guilty secret. -- CANADIAN READER

DEAR CANADIAN READER: While I agree that by age 25 Curtis should be man enough to level with his parents about whose pillow he's hitting on weekends, I don't think this is anything to obsess about. His folks may be religious, but they're probably not naive -- and this may be a "game" they have played for years.

Because they have met you and know you have an ongoing relationship, you are not Curtis' guilty secret. The fact that he is sexually active is Curtis' guilty secret, and I don't think you should push him to reveal it until he feels ready.

DEAR ABBY: I have many out-of-town relatives who come in for the holidays every year. As our families have all grown, the group has gotten larger. I consider this to be a blessing, except for the fact that it makes hosting the holiday meals every year overwhelming. Additionally, over time it seems my visiting sisters do less and less to help me prepare and serve the meal and clean up afterward. And my brothers and brothers-in-law hardly help at all.

Each year I feel like my home is turned into a fast-food diner. Abby, I think they have forgotten how much work it takes to clean and prepare for such a large group. I know they have traveled far and paid for airfare, but they seem to think that entitles them to treat me like the owner of a hotel/restaurant who is here only to serve them.

Can you please remind your readers to show some appreciation to family members who host them year after year? I never get any thanks or flowers or offers of being taken out for dinner for hosting all of these relatives. Even if they can't do that, help with cleaning and doing the dishes would go a long way. -- POOPED IN ISSAQUAH, WASH.

DEAR POOPED: Have you never heard the saying, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease"? Please do not count on me to get the message out to your relatives -- who, after all these years of being waited on, are probably under the impression that you enjoy "having the privilege."

Before the out-of-towners arrive this year, begin communicating your feelings and enlist their help in shouldering the workload. Assign the chores to various relatives -- including the brothers and brothers-in-law. The alternative will be ordering takeout and using paper plates, and I don't think that's what anybody has in mind.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional woman in my late 20s. I admit to being commitment-phobic. I have no desire to be married or even in a relationship. I have always felt this way.

I recently began having an affair with a married man. We have never spoken about his wife, but he knows I know he's married. I do not want an emotional relationship with him, and I think he is on the same page.

I know I should feel guilty about this, but somehow I don't. I feel as though his wife undoubtedly realizes what's going on. Considering that he spends every other weekend at my house, how could she not know? Maybe she's choosing to ignore it. Could this be the reason I'm having a hard time feeling guilty?

I have always despised cheaters. What has prompted me to change and be so heartless? At this point, the only reason I would want to end this liaison would be if he were to tell me he wanted more from this situation. Abby, I need some tough, honest, brutal advice to make me finally stop this. -- THE OTHER WOMAN IN ST. PAUL

DEAR OTHER WOMAN: I'll try. If you truly felt good about this relationship, you would not have written to me asking for my help in ending it. Whether your lover's wife knows about the affair or not is beside the point. She may tolerate it because she enjoys her lifestyle and doesn't want it disrupted because her husband is a womanizer.

You call yourself "heartless" and say you don't feel guilty. However, I believe neither statement is true. You are involved in this relationship because it feels good, and I caution you that when something feels good, it is easy to become addicted. Once that happens, you WILL become emotionally vulnerable, and then you'll be in for a world of pain. There's no free lunch. There is always a price tag that somebody has to pay.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked at my present job a little over a year. When I make a mistake, my supervisor comes over to my desk, leans very close to me and tells me loudly what I have done wrong.

The office is very large, and I find her behavior threatening. I feel like I am backed into a corner. My way of dealing with it is just to say anything to get her out of "my space." It's also embarrassing that everyone in the office can hear everything we say. I'm about ready to file a harassment suit.

How can I get her to back off a little or take it to a private office? -- INTIMIDATED IN WICHITA, KAN.

DEAR INTIMIDATED: Your supervisor's behavior is insensitive. Some people become so intimidated when they are publicly embarrassed or their space is invaded that they "blank out" and can't remember all the details of what happened -- hardly an effective management technique.

At a time when both of you are calm, talk to her privately, in her office with the door closed (that's how she should be correcting you), and explain how her "corrective technique" affects you. If that doesn't work, then talk to her supervisor or your union rep. It appears your supervisor could use some coaching on effective management.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)