DEAR ABBY: I live 3,000 miles away from my immediate family. I am happily married and six months' pregnant. In the past, I had many issues with my family. I have a long history of anorexia, and my pregnancy has forced me to give up my self-destructive behaviors. I would never jeopardize my baby.

I asked my father if I could have a baby shower this month. I don't want to travel when I am further along in my pregnancy, nor do I want negative comments from my family members about my size. After my baby is born, I will not visit for at least a year.

My father suggested that I have a baby shower then, but my baby will be a year old! He believes having a baby shower "too early" is asking for gifts. I am hurt by his attitude, and I'm having a hard time understanding his logic.

Meanwhile, my friends and a few family members have offered to host a shower for me next month, but I want my father's support -- which perhaps is another issue in itself. Please advise. -- MOM-TO-BE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR MOM-TO-BE: You are correct -- your need for your father's approval, and his unwillingness to give it, is "another issue in itself." Unless he comes from a culture in which infant mortality is so high that it is traditional to wait until a child is born to hold a shower, I can only conclude that his unwillingness is a form of punishment.

My advice is to allow your friends and family members to host the shower. Take plenty of pictures and send copies to your "immediate family." Visit them next year, and don't be surprised if no shower is forthcoming then, either. Live a healthy, happy life, enjoy your husband and child, and do not allow anyone to make you feel less than adequate. And that includes your father.

P.S. If, after your baby arrives, you begin backsliding with your eating disorder, for your sake and the sake of your child, I urge you to get professional counseling. Children model their eating habits on those of their parents.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 55-year-old grandmother, twice divorced. I have been living with a man I'll call "Mickey," and we're contemplating marriage.

My older sister met Mickey for the first time and insists that I abandon my marriage plans. She says that while she talked with him, she realized that he is controlling, possessive and angry. She's convinced that he will ruin my life.

I love my sister, and I'm not sure how to react to her phone calls and e-mails. I have not discussed this with Mickey because I don't want him thinking poorly of my sister. I know he has problems, anger issues being one of them. And perhaps she's right about his being controlling and possessive.

I'm not sure what to do here. Mickey wants to get married next month. I'm thinking we need to wait a while longer. We've been together only seven months. -- WENDY IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR WENDY: You have struck out twice at marriage. For your own sake, please do not marry again without at least a year of premarital counseling. The traits your sister spotted, and that you admit Mickey suffers from, are red flags that he could be an abuser. Your mental and physical health could be at risk, so do not allow yourself to be rushed into anything.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I admit it: I am scatterbrained. I'm forgetful when it comes to events and information that affect me personally, although I have the odd ability to remember facts and trivia. It is a source of frustration and amusement to others that I can remember details about the Battle of Actium, but can also lose my car for several days because I forgot where I had it parked.

Now things have gone from comical to critical. I had been planning to propose to my girlfriend of three years, and I have lost the engagement ring. I bought the stone some months ago. It's a rare green sapphire that she helped select. I had it set without her knowledge a few weeks later. When the ring was completed, I hid it in a small space behind a drawer in my desk.

This month I planned to pop the question. But today, when I looked behind the drawer, the ring was gone. The worst part is I don't know if I moved it myself. Did I hide it somewhere else because I was afraid she might discover it? Or did I take it out to look at it and forgot where I set it down?

My forgetfulness has caused friction between us before. I want to propose, but I don't want our engagement to be forever associated with another irresponsible mistake on my part. What should I do? -- FORGETFUL IN CHICAGO

DEAR FORGETFUL: You have several options. The first is to fess up and tell your girlfriend what happened. If she's going to accept you for better or for worse, she deserves to know what she's getting into. If she loves you, she'll forgive you.

The second is to go through your office with a fine-tooth comb and get it organized. This will increase your odds of finding the ring. The third is to start looking for another rare green sapphire.

Last, but not least, schedule an appointment with your doctor for a complete physical and neurological checkup on the chance there is a medical reason for your forgetfulness.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of ours fell from a ladder last year and broke his back. To help the family during his recuperation, I offered to wash and dry several weeks' worth of their laundry at a local Laundromat.

After washing several loads, I ran out of quarters to feed the dryers. Because I wasn't comfortable leaving their laundry unattended, I frantically called my husband and begged him to pick up more quarters from the bank and bring them to me.

While I was talking to my husband, a woman in the Laundromat overheard the conversation and handed me an almost full roll of quarters. I offered to write her a check, but she told me, "Don't worry about it." I was floored by her generosity and thanked her profusely. With those extra quarters I was able to finish drying all the laundry.

When I delivered it later that afternoon, I told our friend and his wife about the Good Samaritan. They, too, were touched by the woman's act of kindness.

I would like to thank her publicly and let her know her generosity was deeply appreciated, not only by me but also the family she ultimately helped. -- CATHY IN STATE COLLEGE, PA.

DEAR CATHY: What goes around, comes around. The kindness you bestowed when your friend was in need invited more acts of goodwill -- and that's as it should be. Thank you for an upper of a letter.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

My husband and I are extremely worried about how to handle this situation. Our children don't remember Frank because he has been "away" for a couple of years. How do we make sure they will be safe? Do we tell them to stay away from him and then have to explain why -- or reinforce what we have already taught them about private parts of their bodies and inappropriate touching? It's a given that everyone will be on "red alert" the entire time he is around.

This is especially difficult for me because I was sexually abused as a child. I know how quickly and easily predators can do things to children. With professional help I have dealt with my past so I could be a healthy parent. How can I get through Christmas with my sanity and my children unharmed? -- WISHES SISSY WAS SINGLE, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR WISHES: I assume that your sister and Frank will be visiting more relatives than you and your husband because, under the circumstances, I cannot believe you would have invited them.

Because of your personal history, your alarm is understandable. And considering Frank's history, I am sure the adults in the extended family will watch him like hawks. However, your children should not only be reminded about inappropriate touching, you should also make clear to them that your sister's husband did some things he should not have to other children, and warn them to keep their distance and not trust him regardless of how "nice" he may seem.

P.S. I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but in the States, as part of his release from prison, Frank might not be allowed to be around minor children. Check it out with the authorities in your community.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help with a serious problem. I steal. I'm in my 60s and have done it since I was a teen.

I have never been caught because I do buy things. I am well-educated and have a nice way with people. I need to stop because one day I know I could be arrested and bring shame to myself as well as my husband and family. I don't steal expensive things, and sometimes I exchange price tags. No one notices it.

What causes this behavior? I am financially well off and have no need for half of what I take. It's an impulse I just can't control. I am ashamed of myself for doing it, and I pray for help, but nothing works. Can you help me, please? -- SINFUL SENIOR IN FLORIDA

DEAR SINFUL SENIOR: I don't know why YOU are doing it, but sometimes people steal in an attempt to make up for something they feel is missing in their lives. Others do it for a "thrill." If you are sincere about wanting to know what's driving your impulse to take things you don't need, you should consult a psychotherapist to help you get to the root of it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)