DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Courtney," was recently married, and the week leading up to the wedding was a disaster. My husband, "Jeff," and I paid for the majority of her lavish wedding with assistance from her new in-laws. My ex-husband, "Earl" (Courtney's father), didn't pay for any portion of it. Over the past 15 years he has offered little support, financially or emotionally. In fact, Earl has stolen from both of my daughters (it was identity theft) and ran up thousands of dollars in bills, not to mention the unpaid medical expenses and child support.

Courtney and her fiance's family were scheduled to stay at our house for a few days prior to the wedding. One week before they were scheduled to come, Courtney informed me that she wanted to "establish a new relationship" with her father and his side of the family.

Being already emotional about the wedding, I flipped out. I didn't understand how she could do this to me and her stepdad after all our years of picking up the pieces.

Courtney told me to "stuff it" and did as she pleased. Her new in-laws sided with her. They were aware of the problems with Earl, the stolen money, etc. Jeff and I attended the wedding, but were treated poorly. Needless to say, Earl was treated like a king.

Jeff thinks I need to write Courtney off, as she has shown her true colors. Right now, I am very upset. Have you any suggestions? -- DEVASTATED IN PHOENIX

DEAR DEVASTATED: Yes, I do. If you want to spare yourself years of pain and aggravation, you will listen to your husband. It appears that Courtney is her father's daughter.

The sacrifices you made to raise her have resulted in her becoming a selfish, self-centered, rude adult. In order for her to fulfill her fantasy of being "Daddy's girl," she was willing to sacrifice her relationship with you. For your own sake, do not forget it. Unless you can take a giant emotional step backward, Courtney will continue to treat you like a doormat -- and don't be surprised if she uses any children she has as leverage. Be forewarned.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old girl who is faced with a dilemma. My friend, "Kate," and I were sexually assaulted at a party we attended recently. The guy who did it was a friend of Kate's and very popular. He claims he blacked out and doesn't remember what happened.

Although it didn't escalate to rape, what happened deeply upset Kate. I have put the incident behind me, but Kate can't. We have brought this to the attention of the police and must now decide whether we should allow this to go to court.

Because we were underage and alcohol was a key factor, would going to court and having the case possibly thrown out be worth the emotional toll it takes on me and Kate? Forcing the guy to go to court would hurt him, but it could hurt us, as well. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Because no rape occurred and, I assume, everyone involved was under the influence, I am unsure what the consequences would be if you took the young man to court. This is something you and Kate should discuss with legal counsel, because more might be gained if he and his family were to agree to foot the bill for post-traumatic stress counseling for Kate -- and alcohol abuse counseling for all three of you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our 86-year-old father needs to go temporarily (about 10 days) to a rehabilitation hospital for physical and pulmonary ailments. However, our 86-year-old mother refuses to encourage him and "allow" him to go. This happened once before, and Dad will not stand up to her and do what he knows will help himself. His quality of life would improve if he went.

Mom says the hospital is "too far away," and it's "too inconvenient." My sister, brother, niece and nephew would arrange to take her to visit him if she chose not to go with Dad. Still she discourages him, and bitter family arguments ensue.

It is painful to see Dad suffer because of her decision -- and his lack of backbone -- regarding rehab. He wants to go, but can't stand up to her controlling nature. Should we siblings "butt out" and not try to influence him to do what we and the doctor know would be best for him? Would we be interfering in their marriage and the situation? -- FEELS FOR MY FATHER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR FEELS: It appears that your 86-year-old mother is afraid of change -- even change for the better. Improving your father's quality of life is not "interfering." As caring children, see that he obeys the doctor's orders. Hold a family meeting, outvote your mother, take your father to the facility, and argue about it later when he's better.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with a flirtatious neighbor. My fiance, "Ron," and I are building a new home, and every time we go to check on the progress, our neighbors, the "Smiths," come over to talk. Mr. Smith seems OK, but his wife stares, smiles and touches Ron. She has even stated that Ron must like older women -- meaning me, although we're about the same age. She does this in the presence of her husband.

What should I say to Mrs. Smith? I hate to move into a new home only to dread our neighbors coming around, but she makes me very uncomfortable. Please help. -- IN A PICKLE IN GREENSBORO, N.C.

DEAR IN A PICKLE: Nothing you could possibly say to Mrs. Smith would be as effective as a couple of pertinent comments from your fiance. The next time the "desperate housewife" touches him, he should say, "Don't do that. I don't like it!" And if she aims another snide comment in your direction, he should take your arm, say, "C'mon, Honey -- we don't need this," and end the conversation.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived in the same house for almost three years. My girlfriend at the time I moved here moved out a year ago and never took her stuff with her. I felt guilty, so I told her she could leave her things here as long as she wanted.

Well, I am married now, and her stuff is still in the attic. My wife wants it out. I agree that it should go, but I feel bad about it because I hate breaking a promise.

Is it really OK in any instance to go back on my word, even for my wife? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN BELLEVILLE

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: In a case like this, it is perfectly fine to contact your old girlfriend and let her know that the time has come for her to make other arrangements for her "stuff." You have a new life now, and presumably, so does she. Her stuff belongs in her new dwelling or in storage, not in your attic.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading the letters you print about acts of kindness and want to tell you what happened to me. Three years ago, when I was eight months pregnant with my first child, I was driving to the University of Houston's gift shop when a tire on my car blew out.

It was a hot Saturday afternoon, and the campus was nearly deserted. No one at the gift shop would help me out, so I made it to a gas station on the edge of campus. It was located in an area of town to which many people wouldn't travel alone.

As soon as I pulled in, a man came to my window, banged on it, and began shouting at me. Four other men who had been washing windshields for spare change immediately surrounded my car and shooed the first man away. I was nervous, but I got out, and they let me through.

The gas station attendant refused to come out to help me. I tried calling my husband for help, but my cell phone wasn't working. The same four men assessed the situation and offered to help me fill my tire, but the tire was too damaged. They asked me for my spare, but because the car was new I had no idea where it was located. Well, they found the spare and had my tire fixed in no time.

While they were working, two of the men told me about their lives, their grandkids, etc. I felt horrible for having prejudged them simply because the neighborhood they lived in wasn't as affluent as my own. Not one of them would accept my offer of money. I am grateful that God sent me four unlikely guardian angels that day. -- MICHELLE, LEAGUE CITY, TEXAS

DEAR MICHELLE: Thank you for pointing out that although the crime rate may be higher in lower income neighborhoods, living in one does not make anyone a criminal. We live in an increasingly diverse society today, racially, ethnically and economically. To automatically stereotype people because of how they look, their regional (or foreign) accent, the way they dress or where they live is not only a mistake, it is also a sign of ignorance.

DEAR ABBY: I'm only 16, but I want to ask my parents if I could start seeing a therapist. I feel like therapy would be a step forward in relieving the stress that depression has been causing me.

My problem is approaching my parents about it. I have been depressed for months, but admitting it to them would be embarrassing. I'm afraid their reaction will be anything but understanding. Money is an issue. We're not the richest family, and my parents are saving all the money they can to put me and my siblings through college.

I feel that therapy would be a worthwhile investment for me and my future, but I'm wondering how I can convince my parents. Any ideas on how to tackle this? -- SEARCHING FOR A SHRINK, PORTLAND, MAINE

DEAR SEARCHING: Because you have been suffering from depression that has lasted more than a few weeks, you should be seen by someone who can evaluate you. I'm sorry you feel reluctant to discuss this with your parents because depression can run in families -- and they might not be as surprised to hear it as you think.

However, because you're afraid their reaction will be negative, please discuss this with your teacher or a school counselor who can intercede with your parents and see that you meet at least once with a psychotherapist.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)