DEAR ABBY: I am in an eight-year marriage that feels like a prison sentence. I have two children under the age of 5, and a husband who is mentally and emotionally unstable and has severe addiction to prescription painkillers. If I divorce him, he will have joint custody of our children and, while I want them to know who their father is because they love him, I am terrified of what he might do to them as emotionally unstable as he is. I'm convinced he is capable of murder-suicide just to get at me.

He forces me to say "I love you" several times a day. I don't mean it anymore. He forces bodily contact. I sleep in a recliner in the den and put off going home from work to avoid him because I know the fight will be on when I get there.

I have never cheated on him, but I'm accused of it all the time. I have no privacy. He searches my purse, phone and car for "evidence" almost nightly. He takes checks from my private account and writes them without my consent. When I get overdrafts, he acts like it's my fault. If he spends money on the kids, he resents it -- and to complicate matters further, we filed for bankruptcy last year and are living in the house with my parents.

To be truthful, I'm scared to live with him by myself. I cringe every time I'm forced to be intimate with him, and I'm dying inside in little pieces. Please advise me. I would like to be sane and have a reasonably decent life for me and my kids before it's over. -- DESPERATE MOM IN COLORADO

DEAR DESPERATE: You have your work cut out for you. First, talk to the police and go on record with the fact that your husband is a drug-addicted forger -- something you should also tell your bank, by the way -- and that you are afraid he will harm you or the children because of his instability due to his abuse of prescription medications.

Then inform the physician who has been prescribing the meds.

Tell your lawyer that you want to end your marriage, but that you are: (1) afraid he will harm you, (2) afraid he could harm the children, and (3) you would like him to have supervised visitation with them only because of his mental instability.

Fortunately, you are living in your parents' home -- which means you are not alone and vulnerable. But it's time to get your husband out of there. Your attorney can advise you on the safest way to accomplish that.

DEAR ABBY: Here's my question: There are two sisters. One is a grandmother. Is her sister a "grand" aunt" or is she a "great" aunt"?

I say she's a grand-aunt. However, my wife -- the grandmother's sister -- says she's a great-aunt. How can that be? If that's true, then I would be a "great" grandfather instead of a true grandfather. Only you can straighten out this argument. Thanks! -- CHARLES P. IN BATAVIA, ILL.

DEAR CHARLES: According to Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition), the terms "great-aunt" and "grand-aunt" are synonymous. Either way, this would not make you a grandfather. You are either a great-uncle or grand-uncle -- the choice is yours.

DEAR READERS: Today is Veterans Day, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank not only our veterans, but also those men and women who are still on active duty for their service to our country. -- ABBY

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a 30-year-old daughter who was happily married to a man she loved. My daughter and son-in-law worked in information technology for many years and did well at it. Because of their intensive work schedules they decided to start a family only last year. When my daughter conceived, our families were overjoyed.

Unfortunately, after only 2 1/2 months, my daughter miscarried. She was so upset about it that she decided to return to the country we had emigrated from.

Three months after that, she became involved with a man she knew from her childhood. She returned to the U.S. and said she wanted to separate from her husband. It was a shock to us and everyone who loves her. We tried to pacify her and begged her to seek counseling. She refused to discuss it. Without further discussion, she filed for divorce.

I am acquainted with the man she got involved with. His mother and I were close friends. He never completed his education, has no regular source of income and used to abuse his mother. I was shocked that my daughter would get involved with such a person -- and so quickly.

I told my daughter to be patient, that if she wanted a separation from her husband, she could do it without getting involved with that young man. She is adamant that she will do as she likes. She says she wants to be independent of all family ties and lead her own life.

Please advise us. I don't know what our family and her husband should do. -- UNHAPPY MOTHER IN THE EAST

DEAR UNHAPPY MOTHER: It's sad, but sometimes marriages do end over the loss of a child. The grief is so deep that instead of drawing the parents together, it pulls them apart.

From what you have told me about your daughter's new love interest, she is making a huge mistake. However, because she refuses to accept counseling, I see no way to prevent it. Her husband may be able to slow down the divorce process, but he cannot stop it.

If you love your daughter, as I am sure you do, I can only advise you to be there for her in the coming months and years, because her road will not be an easy one.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, while visiting my son, "Jack," and his wife, "Mary," in a nearby state, I saw a few dishes in the sink waiting to be washed -- so I washed them. When Mary saw what I had done, she became upset. She said, "I don't keep house the way you do." My reply at the time was that I was only trying to be helpful. That was all the cleaning I did -- I swear.

A few years later, when they visited me, Mary vacuumed, scrubbed floors and cleaned out my refrigerator -- all without asking me or being asked to do so. When Jack noticed this unusual activity and questioned it, Mary replied, "She cleaned at our house when she visited us."

How do I handle such a long-held resentment without damaging my son's and my own relationship? I have never been invited to stay at their home since.

Jack does visit me alone, and the two of them stop by on their way to other vacation spots. Mary's latest ploy is to be very "concerned" about Jack driving such a long way by himself to visit me. They plan to be here in about six weeks. I need to confer with my son about my private finances, house repairs, and show him needed chores that I can no longer do myself. This house will be his to dispose of at my death.

My husband died 20 years ago. Until then I had never worked. I earned my college degree soon after and joined the workforce. I asked little of others during that emotionally draining time. I am not a person who demands much attention.

I know that I must prepare to move from my own home soon, and have asked Jack to investigate community living arrangements in a city near where he lives. He's dragging his feet. What should I do? He has my power of attorney. I have a brother, but he's 87 and not well. I also have a daughter on the East Coast, but she has problems of her own and a mentally ill husband. Please help me do some clear thinking. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: You appear to be thinking very clearly already. It's time to stop depending on your son. Hire a handyman to change the lightbulbs and do the little repairs around your house. And rather than waiting for Jack to investigate assisted-living facilities, begin doing it yourself. It would be a smart move because only you know what kind of a place will make you happy.

A word of warning, however: If at all possible, before making any permanent decisions about where you intend to live, rent out your house for a year and see how you would really like living in another community. If your support systems are all based where you are, you may decide you want to return to your home rather than relocate far from friends and familiar surroundings.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl who recently got a job working as an usher at a movie theater. My problem is moviegoers who come in late for a film and try to rush me when I'm working at the concession stand.

It's not my fault that they're late for their movie. How can I tell them they should have arrived earlier in a nice way without sounding rude? -- ANGELICA IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR ANGELICA: There's an adage in business: "The customer is always right." It would be a public relations mistake to enlighten your customers about their "sins" -- even in the City of Angels. So fill their orders as quickly as you can, give them a smile, and let them pay the penalty for their tardiness.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)