DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, while visiting my son, "Jack," and his wife, "Mary," in a nearby state, I saw a few dishes in the sink waiting to be washed -- so I washed them. When Mary saw what I had done, she became upset. She said, "I don't keep house the way you do." My reply at the time was that I was only trying to be helpful. That was all the cleaning I did -- I swear.

A few years later, when they visited me, Mary vacuumed, scrubbed floors and cleaned out my refrigerator -- all without asking me or being asked to do so. When Jack noticed this unusual activity and questioned it, Mary replied, "She cleaned at our house when she visited us."

How do I handle such a long-held resentment without damaging my son's and my own relationship? I have never been invited to stay at their home since.

Jack does visit me alone, and the two of them stop by on their way to other vacation spots. Mary's latest ploy is to be very "concerned" about Jack driving such a long way by himself to visit me. They plan to be here in about six weeks. I need to confer with my son about my private finances, house repairs, and show him needed chores that I can no longer do myself. This house will be his to dispose of at my death.

My husband died 20 years ago. Until then I had never worked. I earned my college degree soon after and joined the workforce. I asked little of others during that emotionally draining time. I am not a person who demands much attention.

I know that I must prepare to move from my own home soon, and have asked Jack to investigate community living arrangements in a city near where he lives. He's dragging his feet. What should I do? He has my power of attorney. I have a brother, but he's 87 and not well. I also have a daughter on the East Coast, but she has problems of her own and a mentally ill husband. Please help me do some clear thinking. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: You appear to be thinking very clearly already. It's time to stop depending on your son. Hire a handyman to change the lightbulbs and do the little repairs around your house. And rather than waiting for Jack to investigate assisted-living facilities, begin doing it yourself. It would be a smart move because only you know what kind of a place will make you happy.

A word of warning, however: If at all possible, before making any permanent decisions about where you intend to live, rent out your house for a year and see how you would really like living in another community. If your support systems are all based where you are, you may decide you want to return to your home rather than relocate far from friends and familiar surroundings.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl who recently got a job working as an usher at a movie theater. My problem is moviegoers who come in late for a film and try to rush me when I'm working at the concession stand.

It's not my fault that they're late for their movie. How can I tell them they should have arrived earlier in a nice way without sounding rude? -- ANGELICA IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR ANGELICA: There's an adage in business: "The customer is always right." It would be a public relations mistake to enlighten your customers about their "sins" -- even in the City of Angels. So fill their orders as quickly as you can, give them a smile, and let them pay the penalty for their tardiness.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Anonymous in Arizona" (Sept. 7) was wondering how to explain to her future children that their father's brother was born a girl, particularly in childhood photos in which he appears as a girl. While most of your reply was sound -- especially how transgendered people are born in the wrong body (which I wish more people could understand) -- I disagree with your advice about the photo albums.

As a transgendered man, I'd be mortified if I knew a photo of me in dresses and pigtails from my youth was included in a family album for my son to see. But I also know many transpeople who wouldn't mind at all. How we deal with our background is a personal and individual decision. Anonymous' brother-in-law "John" should be allowed to have a say in whether or not images of him as a child should be included.

It would be reasonable for her husband to approach his brother privately and ask his feelings on the issue. If John doesn't mind childhood photos in an album, then great. If he does, however, then Anonymous should do her best to find ones of her husband only, or have the pictures cropped. -- MICHIGAN TRANSGUY

DEAR MICHIGAN TRANSGUY: Thank you for your authoritative response. Anonymous was hesitant to discuss this sensitive issue with her brother-in-law or any other family member. Many readers agreed with you that the wisest course of action would be to talk to John for his input. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although the subject is "something that is never mentioned," the writer's husband needs to sit down with his brother and discuss the matter. The fact that John is transgendered appears to be the elephant in the living room that no one wants to discuss. Surely John has anticipated these things from early on in his new life, and a psychiatrist most likely prepared him for it before he even had the gender reassignment surgery. Ignoring it and acting like he's some sort of oddity that's not to be mentioned is probably the worst thing that could be done -- for everyone, including John. -- SAN JOSE, CALIF., READER

DEAR ABBY: Anonymous shouldn't be so sure that John doesn't know she knows. Most spouses discuss their childhoods with each other, and John probably assumes that his brother had told her about his history.

At some point the children will ask more questions, as will adults. Most transpeople are open about their gender, and Anonymous can use the photo album as an opportunity to teach, as you stated, that John was always male. People need to hear this message, so that they, too, can understand. As with same-sex love, gender issues should be discussed matter-of-factly with children. -- LIBBY IN ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: To show respect and acceptance, she should ask John how he would handle such a conversation with her child. In addition, when her child asks about the apparent discrepancy in the photos, at what will inevitably be the most inappropriate moment (i.e. Thanksgiving dinner), she and John should be prepared rather than exchanging awkward glances. It takes communication to keep the dynamics of a family healthy. (Take it from someone who has a few skeletons in the closet!) -- JENNY IN RENO

DEAR ABBY: I'm also a transman (born in a female body). It was refreshing to read such a sensible reply. Most often, we transgendered folk are treated as freaks even though it has been proven again and again that gender is determined by what is between your ears, not between your legs. -- MIKHAIL IN GRAND RAPIDS

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DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and for the time being, I live with my parents. My problem is our elderly neighbor, "John." John recently divorced his wife and now lives alone.

He spends most of his time on his computer having inappropriate conversations with extremely young-sounding girls via the Internet. He must be hard of hearing because he turns the sound up loud, and I can hear it all hours of the night.

I see John on a daily basis, but I don't want to say anything to him, and I don't want to call the police because I'd be embarrassed when I see him. I'm not sure how to fix this problem. What do you think? -- SLEEPLESS IN FORT MADISON, IOWA

DEAR SLEEPLESS: You may not want to have a word with "John," but that's what you should do. Inform him that he has the volume on his computer (or speakerphone) turned up so loud that his conversations keep you up at all hours, and if it doesn't stop you will have to call the police. Then if he doesn't follow through, you should report him -- for disturbing the peace.

DEAR ABBY: I left "Harold," my husband of 24 years, in 2002. The youngest of our four children had just turned 16. Harold had been abusive for years, but I lacked the confidence to leave because I had four children to care for and nowhere to go.

A couple of months after our divorce was final, I remarried. One of the things my new husband, "Pete," and I agreed on was that we would relocate to his hometown, 300 miles away, once he retired. Pete retired last summer, and we moved a couple of months ago.

My children, who have all left home, say they miss me. But my oldest daughter has real issues with it. She's 24, unmarried, and living with her boyfriend and their 20-month-old daughter. She needs help with her daughter, but is not willing to come here.

I am not willing to leave Pete and go back there. I stayed with Harold for too many years caring for her and her siblings. I think I have earned the right to live my own life now without feeling guilty. My daughter was just "having fun" when she accidentally became pregnant -- yet she acts like I should pay for her mistake.

I need a way to tell her that she must figure out how to live her own life and raise her daughter on her own. I don't want to offend her so much that she cuts me off from seeing my grandchild. Any suggestions? -- BLACKMAILED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BLACKMAILED: Under no circumstances should you leave your husband to become your daughter's baby sitter. At 24, she is an adult. It is unrealistic of her to expect you to pull her chestnuts out of the fire. If she needs child care and can't afford to pay for it, she should look to her siblings or her boyfriend's family -- or she might exchange baby-sitting services with some of her friends.

After tolerating an unhappy marriage for nearly a quarter of a century "for the sake of the children," you have raised them to the point of independence. The time has more than come for your daughter to stand on her own two feet. If she's refusing to move, then her situation really isn't "desperate."

P.S. If you allow her to blackmail you, it will cost you your marriage and your future. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "CAN'T WIN" IN KANSAS CITY: In your case, the following seems to apply: There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

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