DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed reading the occasional letters people write you about the acts of kindness they have experienced. I would like to share one that happened to me.

About a year ago my husband left me. Shortly afterward, I learned that he had embezzled funds from work, been fired from his job, and that our home was in foreclosure and the utility bills had not been paid.

I had been an agoraphobic housewife for years. In a panic for funds, I held a yard sale. That weekend I met quite a few of my neighbors and, in the course of the day, we shared stories of marriages gone wrong. I received many words of encouragement, even as I watched my beloved possessions carted away for a pittance. But the most amazing thing happened that day. A woman I'd never met before came back after the sale, handed me an envelope and left. Inside was $200. I cried like a baby.

Since then, I have overcome my agoraphobia, found a job and an apartment, and have begun the long process of rebuilding my life. I have no way to find that angel to thank her, but I'm hoping she reads this letter and knows that through her act of faith and love she helped me to achieve independence. You are, indeed, an angel, mystery woman! -- MS. B. FROM HORN LAKE, MISS.

DEAR MS. B.: The kind of empathy you described is usually demonstrated by someone who has experienced a similar kind of pain. Doing a good deed for someone in need can be an empowering act -- not only for the receiver but also for the doer. Sometime in the future, you will meet a person who needs a helping hand -- and when you do, you'll pass her good deed along and be a "guardian angel," too.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl from a loving family. My mom and I argue about only one thing -- my hair. Mom wants me to have short hair, but I want it long. I think I am old enough to decide how I want to wear my hair.

I have tried to compromise with her about it, but she won't listen. I take care of my hair by myself, so I don't understand. Please help me. -- CONFIDENT WITH LONG HAIR IN FREMONT, N.C.

DEAR CONFIDENT WITH LONG HAIR: At 16 you should be able to wear your hair as you wish, as long as it's clean and neat. I wish you had told me exactly what your mother's objection is to long hair. Could it be that she's afraid it will be too time-consuming to take care of?

If that's not the problem, then it may be this argument isn't really about hair at all. It's about her asserting control and your deferring to her wishes. If that's the case she's squandering her authority -- because a wise parent chooses her battles more carefully.

DEAR ABBY: With the holiday season fast approaching, my husband and I are wondering what does one give to the day-care provider who cares for our child during the work week? Should it be a monetary gift, or a personal gift for her? Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- CURIOUS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR CURIOUS: A nice card with money is always appropriate -- and that way your day-care provider can select something she would like or perhaps needs.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My family owns a golf course. One of the longtime members, a man I'll call "Jack," died suddenly. Another member took it upon himself to commission a watercolor of a golf scene and hang it in the pro shop in Jack's memory. The painting is tastefully done, matted and framed with a brass plaque stating, "In Memory of ..."

The problem is, it just appeared on the wall without getting permission. The deceased member's family saw it recently and had no idea it had been done or who did it. Apparently, the golf pro knew about it, but he left on vacation right after it was put up and never notified us. He quit as soon as he returned from vacation -- but he did identify the person who had the painting commissioned.

The fact that someone would think it appropriate to put a memorial in another's place of business strikes me as odd. We have had many members pass away, and there is no picture hanging in their memory. Jack donated time and money to the course, and a bridge has been dedicated in his memory and a sign erected at the bridge. However, other past members have contributed as much or more than Jack did, and there's nothing in their honor or memory.

Enough is enough. I think the best place for the picture is with Jack's widow. I believe she would appreciate the fact that a club member had the painting done in her husband's memory and would enjoy looking at it -- in her home. What do you think, Abby? -- STRIKES ME AS ODD

DEAR STRIKES ME AS ODD: Obviously Jack was well-liked, or a bridge would not have been dedicated in his memory. Although your family owns the club, you should realize that when members join your club -- if they like it and feel at home there -- they begin to feel some "ownership" in it.

While it may have been presumptuous for the person who commissioned the painting to have hung it in your pro shop without first asking for permission, I see it as a sentimental gesture, not someone trying to usurp your authority. However, because you are the owner (or one of them) and because you are offended, you should take it up with the person who ordered the painting.

DEAR ABBY: Given all your years of giving advice, what would you say is the main basic problem in society today? I think it's a lack of communication skills. Perhaps if we all just began speaking up, speaking plainly and with others' feelings in mind, many things would be easier. What do you think? -- TAB IN SWANSEA, ILL.

DEAR TAB: You have posed an interesting question. While I agree that if people of conscience were willing to speak their minds we would live in a less complicated world, there is no "one" basic problem in society today.

I receive more than 10,000 letters and e-mails a week from people pouring out not only their headaches, but their heartaches as well. Many of them are hoping to find quick and easy solutions to problems they've struggled with for years, while others don't expect an answer -- they write only to complain, unload or confess. Many of those who write to me are lonely and have no one to talk to. They know they can confide in me and that I will treat them with respect.

My mother used to describe herself as "an amateur wailing wall without portfolio." And I can attest to the fact that there are as many different kinds of problems as stones in the wailing wall.

Readers, what do you think society's greatest problem is today?

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a single parent of a 16-year-old son I'll call "Joel." His father has always been a part of his life. Abby, my son was once a polite, respectful, hard-working young man. But over the past year, he has changed radically.

Joel now thinks of no one but himself and his girlfriend. He makes promises to do whatever he thinks will get him what he wants. Then he cuts classes with his girlfriend, chews tobacco at school, refuses to do his homework, and lies about his progress reports and report cards.

If he doesn't get his way, he becomes very aggressive. He recently put his fist through a picture and the wall. There are two knuckle indentations in my front door that he put there. I take him to a counselor for his aggression, but it isn't working.

He is over 6 feet tall and weighs more than 200 pounds. He is the only male in my household. His father is having the same problems with him that I am. All he wants to do is spend time with his girlfriend. He will stay with whichever parent allows him to be with her or stay on the phone with her.

Joel was involved in baseball since the age of 5. He no longer cares to play. This was a sudden change of heart for him. I had him drug-tested without his knowledge. He was clean. I am at my wits' end. I am now on anti-depressants. I was never like that before he became so aggressive.

His father and I have discussed putting Joel in a teenage camp for juveniles. He's not a bad kid. I just don't know what to do anymore. Restrictions, no phone calls, no cell phone, no TV, not going out to eat, no seeing his girlfriend outside of school -- none of these things have worked. I've tried making him get a job, but he refuses. Please help me. -- NOWHERE TO TURN IN FLORIDA

DEAR NOWHERE TO TURN: Send your son away only as a last resort. It appears his hormones have kicked in, and if I had to make a wild guess, I'd say he's sleeping with the girlfriend.

Reasoning with him, punishing him and taking him to a counselor haven't worked, so be prepared to get tough. The next time he threatens you and destroys your property -- and that's what putting a fist through a wall is -- call the police and let them handle him.

There is a support group for parents of hard-to-handle children, and your son qualifies. The group is called BILY (Because I Love You). Contact it through its Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.bily.org" ��www.bily.org�, or at P.O. Box 2062, Winnetka, CA 91396, and tell them I sent you.

DEAR ABBY: I have many male friends whom I regard as "just friends." But from time to time, one of them sees me in a different light.

What's the best way to politely turn down a date and still maintain a guy's friendship? -- JUST FRIENDS IN HAWAII

DEAR JUST FRIENDS: The mistake many women make in telling men they are not romantically interested in them is soft-pedaling the message in an effort to be kind.

My male readers have told me that in the long run it's kinder -- and less a waste of everyone's time -- to say straight out, "I like you as a friend, but I don't want to date you." Or to put it another way, "I like and respect you, but the chemistry isn't there."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)