DEAR ABBY: It has recently come to my attention that my doctor was married for almost 20 years and divorced his wife to marry a much younger woman. I am upset over this because I feel he just threw her away after she had four children with him.

I don't know why I feel so strongly about it, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would do something like this. I find it hard to look him in the eye and trust his judgment about my health.

I have a serious medical test coming up that he will be performing. I don't know what to do. I just can't stop thinking about this. I feel so bad for his wife and grown children. Please help me. I don't dare talk to anyone about this. -- SHAKEN IN MAYNARD, MASS.

DEAR SHAKEN: There could be a couple of reasons why you're obsessing about what you heard. The first may be that you identify strongly with your doctor's wife and resent the idea that she could have been traded in for a newer model. And second, you are distracting yourself with gossip about his personal life rather than focusing on the seriousness of the test you're facing.

People's professional qualifications usually have little to do with the state of their love lives. A doctor, lawyer, veterinarian -- even a politician -- can be capable and effective in his (or her) job and still waver in the face of temptation. (Also, has it occurred to you that your doctor's wife may have divorced HIM because she found someone more emotionally fulfilling after the children were grown?)

For the sake of your health, please consider being less judgmental and concentrate on your own needs and prognosis. It doesn't take a saint to read an X-ray or analyze a biopsy -- it involves a different part of the brain than that which guides the impulses of the heart. If you cannot do that, then you should consult another doctor.

DEAR ABBY: Last Christmas I received a beautiful, yet inappropriate, gift from a relative by marriage. He gave me a curved diamond pendant. I don't know if it's real or if it's cubic zirconium. Either way, this type of pendant starts at around $99.

I do not have the same feelings for him that he does for me. Also, I don't think he knows me well enough to assume that this would be an appropriate gift. If he did know me, he would have known that it would make me uncomfortable.

I haven't spoken to him in person since Christmas, although he sometimes e-mails me. So maybe he has gotten the hint. The pendant is currently sitting in the box it came in and is in my desk drawer. I'm not sure if I should return it, keep it or sell it. -- OFFENDED IN WILDER, IDAHO

DEAR OFFENDED: I am having difficulty understanding why a gift so generous would be offensive. Clearly this relative (by marriage) wanted you to have something beautiful. The time to have returned the gift would have been immediately after you received it, with a note saying that you appreciated his generosity but could not accept it because you could not reciprocate in a similar fashion.

Because you obviously do not have warm feelings for this person, either give the item away or sell it. It is doing no one any good sitting in a drawer because of its unpleasant associations.

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DEAR ABBY: A friend and I have the same personal trainer. Occasionally, he has used me to make her work harder.

Yesterday he worked me very hard, and so I called her to tell her that she would need to eat an extra protein and complex carbohydrate because he had worked me unusually hard, and she would be worked hard, too. She is very competitive and called me while her husband was present to tell me that she had done better during her workout than I had.

I have laughed off other comments she has made, but I think this is her way of keeping herself on a higher level than I am on. I recently lost a lot of weight, and she is now on a diet to make sure she stays smaller than I am.

As you can see, this has upset me, and I am tired of her one-upmanship. Am I overreacting? -- HURT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR HURT: Competition is a two-way street. It's time to either find a different trainer or stop competing with your friend.

Getting in shape and staying in shape is a personal journey. Constantly comparing yourself to what others are doing is not only unhealthy, but can also be dangerous. A word of warning: Many people have injured themselves doing this, and have torn themselves down instead of building themselves up.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "Louella" who constantly repeats stories she has told me before. My husband thinks it is all right to interrupt her and remind her that she has already told the story.

I think the polite thing to do is let her finish and react as if I've never heard it. What is the appropriate thing to do when you've already heard a story once, twice or 10 times before? -- HEARD IT ALREADY IN PORT ORANGE, FLA.

DEAR HEARD IT: If you have heard the story once, let Louella tell it again. However, if she is repeating the stories more than once, I agree with your husband. It is not rude to speak up and point out that the story has been related to you before.

If Louella is literally telling the same stories as many as 10 times because she has forgotten that she has told you, it could be that she is in the early stages of dementia. As a precaution, her family should be told so that, if necessary, she can be evaluated by a physician.

DEAR ABBY: I work as an animal control officer, and today I was again called to the shelter because of yet another dog bite. (The person is now facing surgery to repair her chin.)

Please advise your readers that when they visit a shelter to adopt a pet or just look, putting their fingers and hands in the cages can be both risky and dangerous. I wish I could say that unfortunate things never happen, but they do.

Please remember it's not your dog or cat. You don't know its temperament or what illness it might have. You can bring that illness home to your own pets, or worse, spread a disease from animal to animal. -- NO MORE BITE REPORTS, PLEASE, IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NO MORE BITE REPORTS: Thank you for stating the obvious because it appears that people need the reminder. I am told not only does this happen at animal shelters and pet shops, but also at zoos.

Thought for the day: Do not put your fingers and hands -- or chins -- where they don't belong. This can save you from pain, regret and doctor bills.

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DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the letters responding to "'Grace' in Eau Claire, Wis." (Aug. 2), which emphasized the importance of recognizing when it is time to move to an assisted-living facility before the need becomes critical. Still, there is definitely no "one size fits all" solution to this problem. Read on for some input from readers who advocate carrying on as usual for as long as possible:

DEAR ABBY: Moving elsewhere because relatives think it is in their best interest does not seem necessary for Grace and her husband. After my mom died of cancer, my father, who had dementia, lived alone in his home for five years.

I replaced the gas range with an electric range so there would be no flames to contend with. I had a hospital volunteer service call him every day before 11:30. If he didn't answer, they called me. Because I was employed full-time, I hired a caregiver to make his meals, tidy up the house, take my dad for outings, etc. This was possible because Dad had saved for a "rainy day," and I felt it was starting to pour.

His neighbors watched to see if he raised the shades in the morning to indicate he was up and about. I called and visited as often as I could, as did my family. Yes, he could have hurt himself, but he could also have hurt himself (or been hurt by staff) at a facility, and frankly, he would have been miserable for those five years.

Dad puttered in the garden, pulling flowers as well as weeds. We disabled his vehicle but left it in the garage so he could still see it was there. I realize we were very lucky. But I thought of myself in his place, and made my decision. My brother who lived in another city trusted and agreed with it.

What I am trying to say is, I would do it the same way again, and I would want my children to do the same for me. If I am relatively safe and happy, they can visit me, assist me, check on me, but leave me alone in my contentment. I would not be happy somewhere they consider "safe" but not of my choosing. -- EXPERIENCED IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior move manager and deal frequently with both sides of the family issue -- loving children who want their parents to slow down and be careful; energetic parents who don't want their children telling them what to do.

While some older people are in denial about their abilities, I see many vital seniors who enjoy their independence until their last days (even 100-plus). Their wishes need to be respected much more than they are today. Age used to denote wisdom, but now we assume it brings senility. It does not in most cases.

Grace's family is concerned about her safety and abilities. However, I see too many children consumed with controlling their inheritance and maintaining old family conflicts. -- PATRICIA IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: I am single and "only" 62, but I allowed my daughter to influence me into moving from Galveston to Tyler, Texas. I hate it here! I don't feel comfortable and I miss my friends. I see my daughter and son-in-law only once in a great while.

My home was becoming too much, but I certainly could have gotten an apartment in Galveston instead of starting over here. I even gave up my precious Rottweilers.

My solution? I have finally decided to do what's in my heart, and I am moving back to Galveston next month. This has been the biggest and worst mistake I have ever made. -- EVA IN THE LONE STAR STATE

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes older adults on a fixed income can't afford the cost of paying home-care professionals. However, most area agencies on aging have programs to assist seniors in arranging services such as housekeeping and personal care that will enable them to remain safely in their own homes. -- GERIATRIC SOCIAL WORKER IN MICHIGAN

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