DEAR ABBY: A friend and I have the same personal trainer. Occasionally, he has used me to make her work harder.

Yesterday he worked me very hard, and so I called her to tell her that she would need to eat an extra protein and complex carbohydrate because he had worked me unusually hard, and she would be worked hard, too. She is very competitive and called me while her husband was present to tell me that she had done better during her workout than I had.

I have laughed off other comments she has made, but I think this is her way of keeping herself on a higher level than I am on. I recently lost a lot of weight, and she is now on a diet to make sure she stays smaller than I am.

As you can see, this has upset me, and I am tired of her one-upmanship. Am I overreacting? -- HURT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR HURT: Competition is a two-way street. It's time to either find a different trainer or stop competing with your friend.

Getting in shape and staying in shape is a personal journey. Constantly comparing yourself to what others are doing is not only unhealthy, but can also be dangerous. A word of warning: Many people have injured themselves doing this, and have torn themselves down instead of building themselves up.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "Louella" who constantly repeats stories she has told me before. My husband thinks it is all right to interrupt her and remind her that she has already told the story.

I think the polite thing to do is let her finish and react as if I've never heard it. What is the appropriate thing to do when you've already heard a story once, twice or 10 times before? -- HEARD IT ALREADY IN PORT ORANGE, FLA.

DEAR HEARD IT: If you have heard the story once, let Louella tell it again. However, if she is repeating the stories more than once, I agree with your husband. It is not rude to speak up and point out that the story has been related to you before.

If Louella is literally telling the same stories as many as 10 times because she has forgotten that she has told you, it could be that she is in the early stages of dementia. As a precaution, her family should be told so that, if necessary, she can be evaluated by a physician.

DEAR ABBY: I work as an animal control officer, and today I was again called to the shelter because of yet another dog bite. (The person is now facing surgery to repair her chin.)

Please advise your readers that when they visit a shelter to adopt a pet or just look, putting their fingers and hands in the cages can be both risky and dangerous. I wish I could say that unfortunate things never happen, but they do.

Please remember it's not your dog or cat. You don't know its temperament or what illness it might have. You can bring that illness home to your own pets, or worse, spread a disease from animal to animal. -- NO MORE BITE REPORTS, PLEASE, IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NO MORE BITE REPORTS: Thank you for stating the obvious because it appears that people need the reminder. I am told not only does this happen at animal shelters and pet shops, but also at zoos.

Thought for the day: Do not put your fingers and hands -- or chins -- where they don't belong. This can save you from pain, regret and doctor bills.

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DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the letters responding to "'Grace' in Eau Claire, Wis." (Aug. 2), which emphasized the importance of recognizing when it is time to move to an assisted-living facility before the need becomes critical. Still, there is definitely no "one size fits all" solution to this problem. Read on for some input from readers who advocate carrying on as usual for as long as possible:

DEAR ABBY: Moving elsewhere because relatives think it is in their best interest does not seem necessary for Grace and her husband. After my mom died of cancer, my father, who had dementia, lived alone in his home for five years.

I replaced the gas range with an electric range so there would be no flames to contend with. I had a hospital volunteer service call him every day before 11:30. If he didn't answer, they called me. Because I was employed full-time, I hired a caregiver to make his meals, tidy up the house, take my dad for outings, etc. This was possible because Dad had saved for a "rainy day," and I felt it was starting to pour.

His neighbors watched to see if he raised the shades in the morning to indicate he was up and about. I called and visited as often as I could, as did my family. Yes, he could have hurt himself, but he could also have hurt himself (or been hurt by staff) at a facility, and frankly, he would have been miserable for those five years.

Dad puttered in the garden, pulling flowers as well as weeds. We disabled his vehicle but left it in the garage so he could still see it was there. I realize we were very lucky. But I thought of myself in his place, and made my decision. My brother who lived in another city trusted and agreed with it.

What I am trying to say is, I would do it the same way again, and I would want my children to do the same for me. If I am relatively safe and happy, they can visit me, assist me, check on me, but leave me alone in my contentment. I would not be happy somewhere they consider "safe" but not of my choosing. -- EXPERIENCED IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior move manager and deal frequently with both sides of the family issue -- loving children who want their parents to slow down and be careful; energetic parents who don't want their children telling them what to do.

While some older people are in denial about their abilities, I see many vital seniors who enjoy their independence until their last days (even 100-plus). Their wishes need to be respected much more than they are today. Age used to denote wisdom, but now we assume it brings senility. It does not in most cases.

Grace's family is concerned about her safety and abilities. However, I see too many children consumed with controlling their inheritance and maintaining old family conflicts. -- PATRICIA IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: I am single and "only" 62, but I allowed my daughter to influence me into moving from Galveston to Tyler, Texas. I hate it here! I don't feel comfortable and I miss my friends. I see my daughter and son-in-law only once in a great while.

My home was becoming too much, but I certainly could have gotten an apartment in Galveston instead of starting over here. I even gave up my precious Rottweilers.

My solution? I have finally decided to do what's in my heart, and I am moving back to Galveston next month. This has been the biggest and worst mistake I have ever made. -- EVA IN THE LONE STAR STATE

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes older adults on a fixed income can't afford the cost of paying home-care professionals. However, most area agencies on aging have programs to assist seniors in arranging services such as housekeeping and personal care that will enable them to remain safely in their own homes. -- GERIATRIC SOCIAL WORKER IN MICHIGAN

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DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "'Grace' in Eau Claire, Wis." (Aug. 2), who is resistant to her children's suggestions to move into a smaller home.

I am 89 years old and, three years ago, lost my wife of more than 52 years. She was a diabetic, and our doctors had explained how her health would gradually decline.

About a year before her death, she had reached the point where she sat in a recliner most of the day and needed a walker to get around, but soon I had to help her with every step. As she became weaker, I was no longer able to provide proper care for her, and the last three or four months of her life were spent in a nursing home. There she received the kind of care that I was unable to provide.

My children didn't want my wife in a nursing home and offered financial help to obtain at-home care. Still, it was my decision to put her in a place where I felt she would receive the care she needed. My children accepted my decision with love and understanding.

Grace, be thankful your children love you enough that they want to help. Accept the fact that one day you and your husband may need their help. Embrace them with a loving and thankful heart. -- TOM IN SEFFNER, FLA.

DEAR TOM: I commend you for having both the courage and foresight to make the difficult decision of placing your wife in a nursing home. The avalanche of responses that Grace's letter generated is an indication of how many families are being faced with similar decisions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I became aware that our parents were having problems coping with their large home and yard and offered helpful suggestions. All were met with hostility, anger and fear. We discovered later that the problems we perceived were real and almost disastrous.

Dad started a small fire to burn leaves and the flames got out of control. He fell trying to get the water hose and nearly burned down the house, not to mention burning himself.

Mom had difficulty paying their bills -- or paid with transposed numbers on checks and was unable to maintain a checkbook balance. She was also unable to cook, so they lived on cold food and greasy take-out. There were several minor traffic accidents, along with problems with medications.

All this was hidden from us for fear that we would "make" them move. After they finally admitted their difficulties, we were able to help them choose an assisted-living facility where they could be comfortable and happy.

Our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's shortly after the move, and Dad died from cancer within the year. However, I am grateful that their final year together was calm and peaceful. -- THANKFUL IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: I am a trained dementia/Alzheimer's caregiver. Grace's change in personality, inability to accept the reality of her husband's condition and the "letting go" of previous household standards are red flags! Please advise her family members -- and all relatives of elderly people -- to be aware of the subtle signs of the onset of Alzheimer's.

I urge Grace's family to persist in their efforts to assist Grace and her husband. Backing off and leaving them alone can only end in tragedy. -- CAREGIVER IN BATH, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Grace said she "doesn't want to be a burden on her children." I believe we all share her sentiments. However, the "trick" is recognizing the differences between our desire to be independent and the reality that we are not. The time we are no longer able to see the difference due to diminished capacity or stubbornness is when we can become a real burden. I hope Grace will allow her family to help her. It sounds like they have her dignity and best interests at heart. -- STRUGGLING WITH AN ELDERLY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow's column will offer a different perspective.

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