DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the letters responding to "'Grace' in Eau Claire, Wis." (Aug. 2), which emphasized the importance of recognizing when it is time to move to an assisted-living facility before the need becomes critical. Still, there is definitely no "one size fits all" solution to this problem. Read on for some input from readers who advocate carrying on as usual for as long as possible:

DEAR ABBY: Moving elsewhere because relatives think it is in their best interest does not seem necessary for Grace and her husband. After my mom died of cancer, my father, who had dementia, lived alone in his home for five years.

I replaced the gas range with an electric range so there would be no flames to contend with. I had a hospital volunteer service call him every day before 11:30. If he didn't answer, they called me. Because I was employed full-time, I hired a caregiver to make his meals, tidy up the house, take my dad for outings, etc. This was possible because Dad had saved for a "rainy day," and I felt it was starting to pour.

His neighbors watched to see if he raised the shades in the morning to indicate he was up and about. I called and visited as often as I could, as did my family. Yes, he could have hurt himself, but he could also have hurt himself (or been hurt by staff) at a facility, and frankly, he would have been miserable for those five years.

Dad puttered in the garden, pulling flowers as well as weeds. We disabled his vehicle but left it in the garage so he could still see it was there. I realize we were very lucky. But I thought of myself in his place, and made my decision. My brother who lived in another city trusted and agreed with it.

What I am trying to say is, I would do it the same way again, and I would want my children to do the same for me. If I am relatively safe and happy, they can visit me, assist me, check on me, but leave me alone in my contentment. I would not be happy somewhere they consider "safe" but not of my choosing. -- EXPERIENCED IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior move manager and deal frequently with both sides of the family issue -- loving children who want their parents to slow down and be careful; energetic parents who don't want their children telling them what to do.

While some older people are in denial about their abilities, I see many vital seniors who enjoy their independence until their last days (even 100-plus). Their wishes need to be respected much more than they are today. Age used to denote wisdom, but now we assume it brings senility. It does not in most cases.

Grace's family is concerned about her safety and abilities. However, I see too many children consumed with controlling their inheritance and maintaining old family conflicts. -- PATRICIA IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: I am single and "only" 62, but I allowed my daughter to influence me into moving from Galveston to Tyler, Texas. I hate it here! I don't feel comfortable and I miss my friends. I see my daughter and son-in-law only once in a great while.

My home was becoming too much, but I certainly could have gotten an apartment in Galveston instead of starting over here. I even gave up my precious Rottweilers.

My solution? I have finally decided to do what's in my heart, and I am moving back to Galveston next month. This has been the biggest and worst mistake I have ever made. -- EVA IN THE LONE STAR STATE

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes older adults on a fixed income can't afford the cost of paying home-care professionals. However, most area agencies on aging have programs to assist seniors in arranging services such as housekeeping and personal care that will enable them to remain safely in their own homes. -- GERIATRIC SOCIAL WORKER IN MICHIGAN

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DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "'Grace' in Eau Claire, Wis." (Aug. 2), who is resistant to her children's suggestions to move into a smaller home.

I am 89 years old and, three years ago, lost my wife of more than 52 years. She was a diabetic, and our doctors had explained how her health would gradually decline.

About a year before her death, she had reached the point where she sat in a recliner most of the day and needed a walker to get around, but soon I had to help her with every step. As she became weaker, I was no longer able to provide proper care for her, and the last three or four months of her life were spent in a nursing home. There she received the kind of care that I was unable to provide.

My children didn't want my wife in a nursing home and offered financial help to obtain at-home care. Still, it was my decision to put her in a place where I felt she would receive the care she needed. My children accepted my decision with love and understanding.

Grace, be thankful your children love you enough that they want to help. Accept the fact that one day you and your husband may need their help. Embrace them with a loving and thankful heart. -- TOM IN SEFFNER, FLA.

DEAR TOM: I commend you for having both the courage and foresight to make the difficult decision of placing your wife in a nursing home. The avalanche of responses that Grace's letter generated is an indication of how many families are being faced with similar decisions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I became aware that our parents were having problems coping with their large home and yard and offered helpful suggestions. All were met with hostility, anger and fear. We discovered later that the problems we perceived were real and almost disastrous.

Dad started a small fire to burn leaves and the flames got out of control. He fell trying to get the water hose and nearly burned down the house, not to mention burning himself.

Mom had difficulty paying their bills -- or paid with transposed numbers on checks and was unable to maintain a checkbook balance. She was also unable to cook, so they lived on cold food and greasy take-out. There were several minor traffic accidents, along with problems with medications.

All this was hidden from us for fear that we would "make" them move. After they finally admitted their difficulties, we were able to help them choose an assisted-living facility where they could be comfortable and happy.

Our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's shortly after the move, and Dad died from cancer within the year. However, I am grateful that their final year together was calm and peaceful. -- THANKFUL IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: I am a trained dementia/Alzheimer's caregiver. Grace's change in personality, inability to accept the reality of her husband's condition and the "letting go" of previous household standards are red flags! Please advise her family members -- and all relatives of elderly people -- to be aware of the subtle signs of the onset of Alzheimer's.

I urge Grace's family to persist in their efforts to assist Grace and her husband. Backing off and leaving them alone can only end in tragedy. -- CAREGIVER IN BATH, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Grace said she "doesn't want to be a burden on her children." I believe we all share her sentiments. However, the "trick" is recognizing the differences between our desire to be independent and the reality that we are not. The time we are no longer able to see the difference due to diminished capacity or stubbornness is when we can become a real burden. I hope Grace will allow her family to help her. It sounds like they have her dignity and best interests at heart. -- STRUGGLING WITH AN ELDERLY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow's column will offer a different perspective.

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DEAR ABBY: I am recently married, and every night my husband "tells" me when it's time for us to retire for the night. This can be anytime from 9:30 to 11:30 p.m.

If I tell him -- which is not often -- that I am ready for bed before he is, he gets upset. However, if he is ready to go to bed, and I tell him I'd like to finish a book I'm reading or watch a little more TV, he gets upset.

When I try to talk to him about this, he says that married men and women should go to bed "together," period! But Abby, it is always on his timetable. What about mine? Needless to say, we have both gone to bed angry.

How do we deal with this without both of us getting angry and resenting each other? -- TIRED OF BEING TIRED, DES MOINES, IOWA

DEAR TIRED OF BEING TIRED: It appears you have married a man with control issues. Being married does not mean being joined at the hip. People have different biorhythms, and a trip down the aisle does not magically transform a night person into a day person or vice versa.

I'm all for young married love and the spirit of togetherness, but only if it's voluntary. Your husband needs to learn the art of compromise because it appears he is being extremely heavy-handed.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Lauren," and I are both 16. She has a 12-year-old sister I'll call "Crystal" who makes no secret of the fact that she has a crush on me. When I'm at their house, Crystal is all over me and won't leave me alone.

I don't want to be mean to Crystal and hurt her feelings, but being nice to her just makes things worse. Lauren has tried to tell her sister that I'm not interested in her, but she won't listen and claims that Lauren is jealous.

How can I deal with this and not hurt the girl's feelings? -- LARRY IN CICERO, ILL.

DEAR LARRY: Because Lauren has spoken to her sister and tried to discourage her without success, the next person to have a talk with Crystal should be her mother. The girl's behavior is inappropriate.

First love can be an overwhelming emotion -- especially when the object is unattainable -- but she has no right to be "all over you" to the point of embarrassment, and Crystal's mother needs to explain that to her. After that, if the behavior continues, then you will have to be the one to set her straight.

DEAR ABBY: My dad owns a restaurant, and he doesn't want to hire any more employees because he thinks my mom can do all the jobs. She rarely gets a day off. Yesterday was her first day off after working 14-hour days for an entire month. Mom keeps telling Dad she wants a few more days off because she needs to do other things -- like laundry or cleaning the house.

Is there anything I can say to him to make him understand that she gets tired and needs a break? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM IN IRVING, TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED ABOUT MOM: Not knowing the economic constraints your father is under in running his restaurant, I'm not sure there is. His reason for needing your mother in the place may have less to do with greed than necessity.

Of course, the person who should impress upon your father that she's tired and needs a break is your mother. If she is unwilling or unable to do that, then rather than interceding with your father, it would be more helpful if YOU took over some of the cleaning and laundry chores. Do that, and I'm sure both your parents will be grateful.

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