DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "'Grace' in Eau Claire, Wis." (Aug. 2), who is resistant to her children's suggestions to move into a smaller home.

I am 89 years old and, three years ago, lost my wife of more than 52 years. She was a diabetic, and our doctors had explained how her health would gradually decline.

About a year before her death, she had reached the point where she sat in a recliner most of the day and needed a walker to get around, but soon I had to help her with every step. As she became weaker, I was no longer able to provide proper care for her, and the last three or four months of her life were spent in a nursing home. There she received the kind of care that I was unable to provide.

My children didn't want my wife in a nursing home and offered financial help to obtain at-home care. Still, it was my decision to put her in a place where I felt she would receive the care she needed. My children accepted my decision with love and understanding.

Grace, be thankful your children love you enough that they want to help. Accept the fact that one day you and your husband may need their help. Embrace them with a loving and thankful heart. -- TOM IN SEFFNER, FLA.

DEAR TOM: I commend you for having both the courage and foresight to make the difficult decision of placing your wife in a nursing home. The avalanche of responses that Grace's letter generated is an indication of how many families are being faced with similar decisions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I became aware that our parents were having problems coping with their large home and yard and offered helpful suggestions. All were met with hostility, anger and fear. We discovered later that the problems we perceived were real and almost disastrous.

Dad started a small fire to burn leaves and the flames got out of control. He fell trying to get the water hose and nearly burned down the house, not to mention burning himself.

Mom had difficulty paying their bills -- or paid with transposed numbers on checks and was unable to maintain a checkbook balance. She was also unable to cook, so they lived on cold food and greasy take-out. There were several minor traffic accidents, along with problems with medications.

All this was hidden from us for fear that we would "make" them move. After they finally admitted their difficulties, we were able to help them choose an assisted-living facility where they could be comfortable and happy.

Our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's shortly after the move, and Dad died from cancer within the year. However, I am grateful that their final year together was calm and peaceful. -- THANKFUL IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: I am a trained dementia/Alzheimer's caregiver. Grace's change in personality, inability to accept the reality of her husband's condition and the "letting go" of previous household standards are red flags! Please advise her family members -- and all relatives of elderly people -- to be aware of the subtle signs of the onset of Alzheimer's.

I urge Grace's family to persist in their efforts to assist Grace and her husband. Backing off and leaving them alone can only end in tragedy. -- CAREGIVER IN BATH, PA.

DEAR ABBY: Grace said she "doesn't want to be a burden on her children." I believe we all share her sentiments. However, the "trick" is recognizing the differences between our desire to be independent and the reality that we are not. The time we are no longer able to see the difference due to diminished capacity or stubbornness is when we can become a real burden. I hope Grace will allow her family to help her. It sounds like they have her dignity and best interests at heart. -- STRUGGLING WITH AN ELDERLY PARENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow's column will offer a different perspective.

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DEAR ABBY: I am recently married, and every night my husband "tells" me when it's time for us to retire for the night. This can be anytime from 9:30 to 11:30 p.m.

If I tell him -- which is not often -- that I am ready for bed before he is, he gets upset. However, if he is ready to go to bed, and I tell him I'd like to finish a book I'm reading or watch a little more TV, he gets upset.

When I try to talk to him about this, he says that married men and women should go to bed "together," period! But Abby, it is always on his timetable. What about mine? Needless to say, we have both gone to bed angry.

How do we deal with this without both of us getting angry and resenting each other? -- TIRED OF BEING TIRED, DES MOINES, IOWA

DEAR TIRED OF BEING TIRED: It appears you have married a man with control issues. Being married does not mean being joined at the hip. People have different biorhythms, and a trip down the aisle does not magically transform a night person into a day person or vice versa.

I'm all for young married love and the spirit of togetherness, but only if it's voluntary. Your husband needs to learn the art of compromise because it appears he is being extremely heavy-handed.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Lauren," and I are both 16. She has a 12-year-old sister I'll call "Crystal" who makes no secret of the fact that she has a crush on me. When I'm at their house, Crystal is all over me and won't leave me alone.

I don't want to be mean to Crystal and hurt her feelings, but being nice to her just makes things worse. Lauren has tried to tell her sister that I'm not interested in her, but she won't listen and claims that Lauren is jealous.

How can I deal with this and not hurt the girl's feelings? -- LARRY IN CICERO, ILL.

DEAR LARRY: Because Lauren has spoken to her sister and tried to discourage her without success, the next person to have a talk with Crystal should be her mother. The girl's behavior is inappropriate.

First love can be an overwhelming emotion -- especially when the object is unattainable -- but she has no right to be "all over you" to the point of embarrassment, and Crystal's mother needs to explain that to her. After that, if the behavior continues, then you will have to be the one to set her straight.

DEAR ABBY: My dad owns a restaurant, and he doesn't want to hire any more employees because he thinks my mom can do all the jobs. She rarely gets a day off. Yesterday was her first day off after working 14-hour days for an entire month. Mom keeps telling Dad she wants a few more days off because she needs to do other things -- like laundry or cleaning the house.

Is there anything I can say to him to make him understand that she gets tired and needs a break? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM IN IRVING, TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED ABOUT MOM: Not knowing the economic constraints your father is under in running his restaurant, I'm not sure there is. His reason for needing your mother in the place may have less to do with greed than necessity.

Of course, the person who should impress upon your father that she's tired and needs a break is your mother. If she is unwilling or unable to do that, then rather than interceding with your father, it would be more helpful if YOU took over some of the cleaning and laundry chores. Do that, and I'm sure both your parents will be grateful.

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DEAR ABBY: The other day in one of my classes, our teacher was discussing a rather delicate subject, and we were all laughing. I really needed to pass gas, but was trying to hold it in.

Well, our teacher made a comment that sent me over the edge, and I let out a long, loud fart. Everyone in the class heard it.

I know I shouldn't be so thin-skinned, but the comments the other students made were extremely hurtful and embarrassing, and I wanted to curl up and die. I'm capable of laughing at myself, but the comments my classmates made were not the kind that I could easily laugh along with.

Please, Abby, how do you deal with a situation like this? -- FRAGRANT FLOWER IN KANSAS

DEAR FRAGRANT FLOWER: What happened to you has happened to everyone at one time or another. The way it's usually handled is by trying to ignore it, or by pointing to someone else and asking, "Did YOU expel gas?" However, since you were caught dead to rights and there was no escaping it, my advice is to just let the episode blow over.

DEAR ABBY: We belong to a couples group that meets once a month for a game of cards. We take turns at each other's homes. When the games are in our homes, we provide the refreshments.

One couple -- both of whom are professionals -- always asks the rest of us to bring potluck dishes. This has become a regular practice for them.

We need a nice way to let them know we feel they're taking advantage of the rest of us. They can well afford to have the gathering catered or prepare the meal themselves. What do you suggest? -- TIRED OF BRINGING A DISH

DEAR TIRED: The next time you and the rest of the group are asked to bring a dish, tell the couple that it "isn't convenient." If they hear it from all of you, they may get this hint. If they don't, then you should tell them what you have told me because it does appear that you're being taken advantage of. The alternative is to deal those jokers out.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to say thank you. I was reading your online archives and found the answer to my problem there. Usually the question you get is, "What should I tell people when they ask me when we're going to have a kid?" Well, mine is the opposite.

My mother and mother-in-law ask me when I'm going to get my tubes tied! My husband and I have only two children. We make good money, and we don't ask our parents to baby-sit. Our children are intelligent and well-behaved.

Usually you tell people to ignore the question or say, "Why do you ask?" Those responses didn't work for me. But recently you advised someone to respond, "If it were any of your business you would already know the answer to that question." Abby, that one worked for me! They both said I was rude to answer them like that. But when I told them so was their question, they got the hint. So, once again, thank you very much. -- GRATEFUL IN PALMDALE, CALIF.

DEAR GRATEFUL: You're welcome. I don't usually print the thank-you letters I receive for my advice, but I'm making an exception with yours because the question you were asked was so far out of line. You can't expect people to respect boundaries if they don't know where they are.

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