DEAR ABBY: I find myself in a situation I am not sure how to handle. My mother has adopted my 10-year-old nephew. The boy has severe mental and emotional problems because of the home environment he was in with my sister.

Mom and I often talk about what we want to happen if something should happen to us. We know we need to get wills and living wills made. My problem is, if something should happen to Mom and my stepdad, I will be the logical choice to get my nephew.

I have two young children to consider if I take him in. The boy has already shown predatory tendencies. He has spent six months in a mental hospital because of his problems. I do not want to bring him into my home if I cannot trust him with my children. At this point, I don't like leaving him alone in the house with them even if I am outside.

Abby, I don't want my nephew to leave the family, but I cannot risk my children's safety and bring him into my home. Should I tell Mom that I'll take him in if something happens to her, or tell her I can't risk having him in my home? -- NEEDS HELP IN ARKANSAS

DEAR NEEDS HELP: Because you feel your nephew would be a danger to your children, the answer to your question is no. You should tell you mother as soon as possible that in the event that anything happens to her and your stepfather, she should have other arrangements in place regarding the child.

DEAR ABBY: Can you help me understand a weird quirk I have noticed with a friend of mine? I'll call him "Jerome."

Jerome is a middle-aged professional man with a college degree. However, he has this habit of seeking out free food. Jerome shows up at store grand openings, automobile dealer promotions, new home communities -- you name it. If there's free food being served, he will find it and be the first in line. It makes no difference that he doesn't shop at the place, need a new car, or has no plans to buy in the subdivision.

Can you explain why someone like Jerome would go to such lengths for a free plate of food? -- MYSTIFIED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MYSTIFIED: It may be that your friend can't resist trying to get something for nothing. Or it may not be food he's after at all. He may like to mingle in a crowd because he's lonely.

DEAR ABBY: I started high school this year. It's the second day of school, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed. There is just too much work, and I can't keep up with it all. What should I do? -- PANICKED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR PANICKED: Your feelings are normal for anyone in a new environment, so calm yourself. Recognize that high school is different from grammar school and/or middle school because more responsibility for learning is placed on the shoulders of the student. That's a good thing, because it will teach you how to prioritize and budget your study time wisely.

Try to pinpoint exactly what it is that's making you feel overwhelmed. If it's the volume of work, then you will have to sacrifice something else in your schedule in order to keep up with it. If it's the nature of the work, you should talk to your teachers now about possibly getting extra help so you won't fall behind.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My friend and I read your column often and usually agree with your advice, but we could not disagree more with your response to "Definitely Not Your Ma'am in South Carolina" (July 14). She's the woman who feels that being addressed as "ma'am" is derogatory because she thinks it's a derivative of "mammy," and another way of keeping women in their place.

You told her she was mistaken -- that "ma'am" is a contraction of the word "madam," and an often regional form of respectful address to an adult (usually married) woman. Well, Abby, we do not consider "ma'am" a term of respect!

Of course, in theory, the term is respectful. But notice how men have been given one "age-free" form of address ("sir") that follows them from age 9 to 90, while women are addressed according to their age. Most of the women we know, regardless of geographic location, loathe that moment they are forced into "ma'am land." -- DON'T MA'AM US EITHER

DEAR DON'T MA'AM US EITHER: Some of my readers agreed with you. However, responses were based on geographic location and service in the military. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You should have pointed out that "ma'am" is the equivalent of "sir," and in the military it is not just a courtesy, it is mandatory when a member is addressing a female of higher rank. I'm proud to be a ma'am! -- SHARON BIVINS, M.D., SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: It's ironic that "Definitely Not Your Ma'am" considers it rude to be called ma'am, since the term derives from "madam," which in turn derives from the French "ma dame" -- which translates in English to "my lady." Therefore, and I'd say this is true north of the Mason-Dixon line as well as south of it -- to be called "ma'am" is as close as anyone in the U.S. can get to being referred to as royalty. -- R. WEINAPPLE, MENLO PARK, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Thank God for people like Dear Abby, who is educated enough to recognize idiots when they're present.

My mother would turn over in her grave if I addressed a lady by her first name. I answered "ma'am" to the first woman in my life -- my mother. I don't think that respect can be any more sincere than love for one's mother. If "Definitely" doesn't like the tradition in the South, then she should move. It seems that the younger generation is no longer respectful to anyone -- including themselves. -- TRUE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN

DEAR ABBY: If "Definitely" is miffed about being addressed as "ma'am," then maybe we should start referring to each other as "hey you."

A word of advice to "Definitely," who thought she knew what "ma'am" meant. A dictionary is a fine tool to consult before putting your opinions in writing for the world to see. On the other hand, failing to do so certainly makes for amusing reading. -- ANNIE PHILLIPS, HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been divorced for a number of years. Our divorce was amicable. He is now remarried and has chosen to include his current wife, "Blanche," in all correspondence with our two daughters and me. I admit to some jealousy when it comes to my girls. They are our children, not hers.

This has become more hurtful to me since I found out that I am terminally ill. I don't want Blanche to replace me as a grandmother to any children who are born to our girls.

I am writing now because my oldest daughter has just learned that she is pregnant. If I survive long enough, it will be my first grandchild -- an honor I do not wish to share. Am I being selfish, or is there some other way for Blanche to be part of this grandchild's life without taking my place? My children are not close to her and have also expressed disapproval of their father's inclusion of his new wife in every part of his interaction with them. Please tell me what you think. -- WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED, LONGVIEW, TEXAS

DEAR WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED: Please allow me to offer my sympathy regarding your prognosis. All of your feelings at this point are understandable.

Your grandchildren will have only one biological grandmother, and that is you. Your husband's wife will be their STEP-grandmother. And from what you have written about your daughters' attitude toward her, I'm sure they will make certain that their children know the difference.

So please, rest easy. No one can control the future; not you and not I. And in the final analysis, what is more important is that your grandchildren are loved. The more love they're surrounded with, the better off they'll be.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old male who has always been unlucky in love. I recently met a woman who is perfect for me. She is smart, funny, worldly, attractive and all-around wonderful. The problem is, she is 31.

Age is just a number to me, but I'm concerned that my advances may seem like some kid trying to woo her. I know she thinks of me as a peer, but I just can't get over my insecurities about it. I want to take our friendship to the next level, but I'm unsure what to do. -- NAIVE IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR NAIVE: The longest journey begins with a single step, and your first step should be to find out why you have "always been unlucky in love." It could save you much heartache in the future. Could it be that you have always chosen a love object who was inappropriate -- this woman included?

Before taking steps to take this friendship to the next level, be smart and schedule some sessions with a psychologist to figure out what has gone wrong in the past. Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Eddie" is away at college. I would like to send him a care package to show him how much I love and miss him. Have you any suggestions on what should go into a meaningful care package? -- TRICIA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR TRICIA: Send your boyfriend something he can't get while he's away at school. The perfect "I care" package should contain homemade cookies and brownies, and perhaps a book you have read recently that you think he might enjoy, along with a picture of you and a love letter.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)