DEAR ABBY: My friend and I read your column often and usually agree with your advice, but we could not disagree more with your response to "Definitely Not Your Ma'am in South Carolina" (July 14). She's the woman who feels that being addressed as "ma'am" is derogatory because she thinks it's a derivative of "mammy," and another way of keeping women in their place.

You told her she was mistaken -- that "ma'am" is a contraction of the word "madam," and an often regional form of respectful address to an adult (usually married) woman. Well, Abby, we do not consider "ma'am" a term of respect!

Of course, in theory, the term is respectful. But notice how men have been given one "age-free" form of address ("sir") that follows them from age 9 to 90, while women are addressed according to their age. Most of the women we know, regardless of geographic location, loathe that moment they are forced into "ma'am land." -- DON'T MA'AM US EITHER

DEAR DON'T MA'AM US EITHER: Some of my readers agreed with you. However, responses were based on geographic location and service in the military. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You should have pointed out that "ma'am" is the equivalent of "sir," and in the military it is not just a courtesy, it is mandatory when a member is addressing a female of higher rank. I'm proud to be a ma'am! -- SHARON BIVINS, M.D., SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: It's ironic that "Definitely Not Your Ma'am" considers it rude to be called ma'am, since the term derives from "madam," which in turn derives from the French "ma dame" -- which translates in English to "my lady." Therefore, and I'd say this is true north of the Mason-Dixon line as well as south of it -- to be called "ma'am" is as close as anyone in the U.S. can get to being referred to as royalty. -- R. WEINAPPLE, MENLO PARK, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Thank God for people like Dear Abby, who is educated enough to recognize idiots when they're present.

My mother would turn over in her grave if I addressed a lady by her first name. I answered "ma'am" to the first woman in my life -- my mother. I don't think that respect can be any more sincere than love for one's mother. If "Definitely" doesn't like the tradition in the South, then she should move. It seems that the younger generation is no longer respectful to anyone -- including themselves. -- TRUE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN

DEAR ABBY: If "Definitely" is miffed about being addressed as "ma'am," then maybe we should start referring to each other as "hey you."

A word of advice to "Definitely," who thought she knew what "ma'am" meant. A dictionary is a fine tool to consult before putting your opinions in writing for the world to see. On the other hand, failing to do so certainly makes for amusing reading. -- ANNIE PHILLIPS, HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been divorced for a number of years. Our divorce was amicable. He is now remarried and has chosen to include his current wife, "Blanche," in all correspondence with our two daughters and me. I admit to some jealousy when it comes to my girls. They are our children, not hers.

This has become more hurtful to me since I found out that I am terminally ill. I don't want Blanche to replace me as a grandmother to any children who are born to our girls.

I am writing now because my oldest daughter has just learned that she is pregnant. If I survive long enough, it will be my first grandchild -- an honor I do not wish to share. Am I being selfish, or is there some other way for Blanche to be part of this grandchild's life without taking my place? My children are not close to her and have also expressed disapproval of their father's inclusion of his new wife in every part of his interaction with them. Please tell me what you think. -- WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED, LONGVIEW, TEXAS

DEAR WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED: Please allow me to offer my sympathy regarding your prognosis. All of your feelings at this point are understandable.

Your grandchildren will have only one biological grandmother, and that is you. Your husband's wife will be their STEP-grandmother. And from what you have written about your daughters' attitude toward her, I'm sure they will make certain that their children know the difference.

So please, rest easy. No one can control the future; not you and not I. And in the final analysis, what is more important is that your grandchildren are loved. The more love they're surrounded with, the better off they'll be.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Eddie" is away at college. I would like to send him a care package to show him how much I love and miss him. Have you any suggestions on what should go into a meaningful care package? -- TRICIA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR TRICIA: Send your boyfriend something he can't get while he's away at school. The perfect "I care" package should contain homemade cookies and brownies, and perhaps a book you have read recently that you think he might enjoy, along with a picture of you and a love letter.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Eddie" is away at college. I would like to send him a care package to show him how much I love and miss him. Have you any suggestions on what should go into a meaningful care package? -- TRICIA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR TRICIA: Send your boyfriend something he can't get while he's away at school. The perfect "I care" package should contain homemade cookies and brownies, and perhaps a book you have read recently that you think he might enjoy, along with a picture of you and a love letter.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the single mother of a wonderful 13-year-old son. His father and I were divorced when he was 1. Aside from some help and love from my parents when he was young, I have raised my son practically by myself. Nana and Dad looked after "Todd" while I was at work, which allowed them a lot of time together when he was young.

I have taught Todd to be honest and thoughtful, to have empathy, to care about others and respect their feelings. I tell him to think before he speaks so he won't hurt or offend other people. I ask him most of all to respect himself, to set goals and try his best at whatever he does. Friends and neighbors say I'm raising a terrific young man.

The problem is my dad. When my siblings and I were young, Dad was verbally abusive. When he greets Todd he says, "Hey, you little jerk," or, "Hey, you fink!" I have asked Dad several times not call Todd such names, to the point of tears. It reminds me of being called "good-for-nothing," "worthless," etc., when I was a kid.

Dad is 72 and not in the greatest health, and I don't want to distance my son from him. The love between them is enormous. But each time Dad calls Todd one of those names, it opens the wounds of my childhood and reminds me of how little I thought of myself when I was his age.

How can I keep Dad from calling my son these names? -- GOT NO RESPECT IN DEFIANCE, OHIO

DEAR GOT NO RESPECT: May I be frank? The chances of you persuading your father to change at his age are virtually nil. Because your son was raised by a loving and emotionally nurturing mother, his sense of self-esteem is far stronger than yours was at his age. He knows he is not a "little jerk" or a "fink." He regards those names as terms of endearment -- which is probably how your father means for them to be taken. I don't know how your father was raised, but I'll bet the farm that the environment was such that he never learned how to properly express his emotions.

Some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist could help you to put your childhood into perspective. Obviously, you're still hurting from the treatment you received as a child. This would be the logical way to work it through so you can finally put it behind you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman for almost two years. I'll call her "Wanda." It's a long-distance relationship, so it is built on trust. Wanda lives two hours away and works seven days a week. I work six days a week, so that really isn't a problem. We have plans to build a house on my property, get married, have kids, etc.

When Wanda and I met, she told me she had been engaged but had broken it off. The problem is, I just found out that she is married, which has honestly shattered my sense of security.

Wanda now says she is in the middle of getting a divorce and just "finalizing some differences." My question is, even though she came clean about all her past lies, is she still trustworthy? I need an opinion from outside. -- DEVASTATED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEVASTATED: Wanda did not lie about "one little thing." Your relationship with her is based on a pattern of lies. To marry someone with such a lack of character would be to invite disaster (for you, not her). If you marry Wanda, you need your head examined.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)