DEAR ABBY: I am the single mother of a wonderful 13-year-old son. His father and I were divorced when he was 1. Aside from some help and love from my parents when he was young, I have raised my son practically by myself. Nana and Dad looked after "Todd" while I was at work, which allowed them a lot of time together when he was young.

I have taught Todd to be honest and thoughtful, to have empathy, to care about others and respect their feelings. I tell him to think before he speaks so he won't hurt or offend other people. I ask him most of all to respect himself, to set goals and try his best at whatever he does. Friends and neighbors say I'm raising a terrific young man.

The problem is my dad. When my siblings and I were young, Dad was verbally abusive. When he greets Todd he says, "Hey, you little jerk," or, "Hey, you fink!" I have asked Dad several times not call Todd such names, to the point of tears. It reminds me of being called "good-for-nothing," "worthless," etc., when I was a kid.

Dad is 72 and not in the greatest health, and I don't want to distance my son from him. The love between them is enormous. But each time Dad calls Todd one of those names, it opens the wounds of my childhood and reminds me of how little I thought of myself when I was his age.

How can I keep Dad from calling my son these names? -- GOT NO RESPECT IN DEFIANCE, OHIO

DEAR GOT NO RESPECT: May I be frank? The chances of you persuading your father to change at his age are virtually nil. Because your son was raised by a loving and emotionally nurturing mother, his sense of self-esteem is far stronger than yours was at his age. He knows he is not a "little jerk" or a "fink." He regards those names as terms of endearment -- which is probably how your father means for them to be taken. I don't know how your father was raised, but I'll bet the farm that the environment was such that he never learned how to properly express his emotions.

Some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist could help you to put your childhood into perspective. Obviously, you're still hurting from the treatment you received as a child. This would be the logical way to work it through so you can finally put it behind you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman for almost two years. I'll call her "Wanda." It's a long-distance relationship, so it is built on trust. Wanda lives two hours away and works seven days a week. I work six days a week, so that really isn't a problem. We have plans to build a house on my property, get married, have kids, etc.

When Wanda and I met, she told me she had been engaged but had broken it off. The problem is, I just found out that she is married, which has honestly shattered my sense of security.

Wanda now says she is in the middle of getting a divorce and just "finalizing some differences." My question is, even though she came clean about all her past lies, is she still trustworthy? I need an opinion from outside. -- DEVASTATED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEVASTATED: Wanda did not lie about "one little thing." Your relationship with her is based on a pattern of lies. To marry someone with such a lack of character would be to invite disaster (for you, not her). If you marry Wanda, you need your head examined.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-year-old man, married a little over three years, and I'm in serious financial trouble. I was laid off from my well-paying job almost two years ago, and I have been struggling to keep my head above water ever since.

I found a job six months later, but had to take a substantial pay cut. In order to make up the difference, I got a part-time job in the evenings, which means I work roughly 15 hours a day. The problem is, my wife gets very upset that I'm not home when the dogs act crazy, the toilet backs up, etc. I try to be sensitive to her needs, but she doesn't even try to understand mine.

When I get home it's usually 9:30, and I am dog tired. If my wife is still awake, she'll dump on me about all the problems she had that night with the house and/or the pets. Then I get blamed because I wasn't home to help.

I have tried to stress that the second job is necessary, and that's when the fireworks begin. She says I need to find a better first job that pays more, but I don't have time to search for one. When I do have free time, I'm catching up on all the stuff I couldn't do during the week.

I have suggested that we tighten our belts (disconnect the cable TV, cancel the Internet, start shopping at discount retail centers), but all she gives me are excuses. She says that since she's home all alone in the evenings, we "need" the cable TV. We also "need" the Internet so she can find materials for her classroom lesson plans (something she hardly does). And she refuses to shop at the discount stores.

I'm at my wit's end and ready to leave the marriage. She can't or won't realize that I'm doing all I can to keep our cars, home, etc. Talking doesn't help. It only leads to more arguments. I seriously need some advice. -- WORN-OUT WORKER IN HOUSTON

DEAR WORN OUT: You and your wife are in two different worlds right now. You are living in a virtual war zone, and she is living in a state of denial. If your marriage is going to survive this rough patch, she needs to do some growing up -- and fast -- before you crack under the stress.

Cable TV and the Internet are luxuries she can forgo in the near term, shopping at discount retail centers is something the majority of the population does right now, and she should dump her frustrations on her girlfriends rather than on you. And if your wife can't make those changes, if only to decrease your stress level for a while, then perhaps it would be better if you took a break from each other until she grows up.

DEAR ABBY: Please help me. My husband refuses to lock the doors at night. I lock them, and he goes and unlocks all of them and threatens he will take off all the locks. I don't sleep at night anymore. -- DONNA IN MENTOR, OHIO

DEAR DONNA: The first question that comes to mind is, is your husband in his right mind? If he isn't losing it, then could he be playing cruel mind games with you?

I am assuming that Mentor, Ohio, has a police department. If I am right, it must be there for a reason. I recommend that you ask the police about the threat level in your community, then enlist their help in making your husband face reality. You deserve to feel safe in your own bed.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I started reading your column when I was 8. (I am now 38.) From time to time you print stories about how couples met, and I would like to share mine.

I have severe asthma, and in January 2001, I was out sick from work for three days. While I was home, I started talking to John over the Internet. At the time, he lived in Massachusetts, and I lived in Washington state.

After an hour or so, he convinced me to seek medical help. I was taken to the hospital and don't remember much after I got there. Three days later, I woke up with a tube down my throat. My doctor told me if I hadn't come in when I did, I would have died, and my children would have been left motherless!

I was released a few days later, and when I returned home, I found e-mails from John leaving me his work number, home number and pager number. I called him and told him he had saved my life from 3,000 miles away.

In June 2001, I flew back East and we drove back to Washington state together. We were married in July 2002 and renewed our wedding vows last Valentine's Day. We have a 3-year-old son, and not a day goes by that I am not thankful for my husband, who was an emergency medical technician. He says he was "just doing his job." He is now an EMT-Intermediate, and I am now taking a basic EMT class myself.

I tell John every day that I fall more and more in love with him. We always talk over our disagreements and never go to bed angry at each other.

Please print this so others may see that the Internet is not a bad place to meet and fall in love. -- ALIVE AND IN LOVE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR ALIVE AND IN LOVE: The day you met John was your lucky day in more ways than one. I'm pleased to print your testimonial -- with one stipulation.

Meeting someone online is no different from meeting someone in any public place. I know several happy couples who met via the Internet, but I also know people who have tried it and struck out. When meeting on the Internet, it's important to take it slow, have your first in-person encounters in public places, and remember that there's always a chance that not everything you read online is the gospel truth.

I'm pleased your story has a happy ending. It should only be that way for everyone.

DEAR ABBY: I took my 4-year-old son to a park to play recently. He immediately ran over to the playground where another boy around 8 or 9 was playing. Suddenly my son ran back to me and said, "Mommy, that boy said he's going to kick my butt!"

A little startled, I got up, intending to say something to the boy, when I noticed that he had Down syndrome. Not only did I not know what to say to my son, I wasn't sure if I should speak to the boy or his mother, who was sitting on a nearby park bench. (She was unaware of what her son had said.)

How should I have handled this? -- MUDDLED MOMMY IN MIAMI

DEAR MUDDLED MOMMY: If your son had said what that boy did to a much smaller child, wouldn't you have wanted to be informed in a nonconfrontational way? You should have handled the situation by approaching the mother and saying, "I thought you should know that your son frightened my little boy by threatening to harm him." If she's an effective parent, it would be her cue to take her son in hand and explain to him that his behavior was inappropriate.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Yom Kippur begins at sundown -- a time for reflection, prayer and repentance. May your fast be an easy one.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)