DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of three girls, ages 12, 5 and 3. Yes, they all have the same father -- which is part of my dilemma.

When my oldest daughter was 2, her father and I broke up and were apart for seven years. He has always been a good father, so we never lost contact with each other. Well, a couple of years later he became engaged, and in 2002 he got married. The problem is I was seven months' pregnant with our second child when he married. Two years after he was married, I gave birth to our third child.

Despite my family's urging, I firmly believe that I should not be the one to tell his wife about his two "other" children. The girls are getting older and want to spend more time with their father -- not to mention that sometimes I just need a break!

After five years, he still cannot bring himself to tell his wife. The younger two kids have never been to his house, and when he does come around to see them or take them somewhere, it's only for a few hours at a time -- maybe a couple of days out of the month.

I definitely do not want to break up their marriage -- if it comes to that -- but I need help with these kids. She should definitely know, right? -- NOT THE INNOCENT VICTIM IN OHIO

DEAR NOT THE VICTIM: This man sees his children "a few hours at a time -- maybe a couple of days out of the month," and you call him a good father? He doesn't sound like Father of the Year to me. He sounds irresponsible. You did not mention whether he's supporting your three children, but if he's not, he should be.

Of course his wife should know what her husband has been up to. However, whether you're the one to tell her is debatable. Give him a deadline to own up, and tell him if he doesn't tell his wife, you will. But if you do, be prepared for her to be irate. She may forbid her husband from seeing you -- and who could blame her? After all, you have been having unprotected sex with her spouse.

Because you need respite from caring for your daughters, explore whether this man's parents or siblings would be open to baby-sitting. But don't count on his stepping up to the plate any more than he has -- unless you have a court order in your hand.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I know a couple that we see nearly every weekend. While "Dixie" is easygoing and fun, her husband, "Fred," is extremely competitive. He has already ruined board games and Pictionary for me, and recreational sports like bowling and pool are no longer fun, either.

Fred is always either gloating because he won or sulking because he didn't. Fred is otherwise a funny, intelligent man. Aside from turning down invitations to spend time with them, how can we avoid the frustrations that come from hanging out with Fred? -- TEAM PLAYER, RENO, NEV.

DEAR TEAM PLAYER: Fred may be funny and intelligent, but he is also immature and a poor sport. Avoid the frustration by scheduling other kinds of activities when you see this couple. Invite them for dinner and a movie, or another event that doesn't involve competition such as a play, a concert or a social event involving other friends. If that's not feasible, then you'll have to limit your time with them.

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DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Robin in Newark, Calif." (July 12), who stated that he was annoyed because people thought his son was his grandson. I have had a similar problem all my life.

I am a 12-year-old girl. My father is 67. Kids ask me if he is my grandpa.

When I was really young, I'd say, "No! He is my father!" Now that I am a little bit more mature, I say, "No. He is my brother's father." It's cheesy, but they get the hint. -- MARCI IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MARCI: I like your answer. You're a wise young lady with a clever sense of humor. The letters I received from readers of all ages prove it's all "relative," regardless of how you say it:

DEAR ABBY: My dad had an even better comeback when he was asked whether my younger sister was his grandchild. He would say, "No, she's my sister." It was just a funny comeback that wasn't offensive to anyone. -- LOVES HER DAD

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Robin," who would become upset when people asked if his baby was his grandson.

My father was a judge in upstate New York when he married my mother. Two years later, when he was 50 and she was 38, I came along. I can still remember how Dad would respond when someone would ask if I was his granddaughter. He would chuckle proudly and say, "No, she's my daughter," and beam. The person who asked would be momentarily surprised, and then smile. Everyone felt good about it.

Robin, you've got bragging rights. Revel in them! -- STEPHANIE IN ALABAMA

DEAR ABBY: My husband, Joe, is 75, and we have a 2 1/2-year-old son. Joe goes through the same thing -- people assume that he is "Grandpa." Unlike Robin, we love people's reaction when we tell them he is "Daddy."

People think my husband is in his late 50s and are surprised he has a son who is so young. Imagine the look on their faces when we tell them his real age. He has gotten handshakes, high fives, thumbs-up and pats on the back. People remember us because of our son. We enjoy the reactions, conversations and, sometimes, the friendships we have made because of our situation.

Please tell Robin to take it in stride and be proud that he has a chance to be a daddy at his age. I know my husband is. -- BRENDA IN OZONA, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My husband, a college professor, took our 18-month-old son, Charles, to school with him one day. One of the students commented about his "grandson." When he came home, his ego was thoroughly deflated.

I had a T-shirt made for our little boy that said, "He's My Dad" on the front and "Not My Granddad" on the back. Charles wore the shirt frequently.

That was more than 20 years ago. Charles has grown into a wonderful young man ... but I'm not sure my husband ever completely recovered from that student's comment. -- I'M THE MOM

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DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old female. I have a cousin, "Sabrina," who is 14. Despite the age difference and the fact that we live 1,000 miles apart, we're quite close. I know Sabrina adores me, so I have always tried to set a good example and try not to do things I wouldn't want her to do.

Sabrina has had some problems in the past and has been diagnosed with anorexia. I have tried to be supportive, but because of the distance I can't do much more than pray for her to get through this difficult time.

Sabrina was released from the hospital in February, and her mother has told me that although she knew they would have some bad days ahead of them, she was sure my cousin was on the right track to getting past her disorder.

Sabrina's birthday is coming up, and I want to send her a card. In the card I was thinking about writing something to the effect that "No matter what you look like, I think you are beautiful" -- because she is. However, I don't want to have her suddenly try to lose weight again because of my card. Is there a way for me to politely say it without running the risk of setting her off again? -- CONCERNED COUSIN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED COUSIN: Yes. Instead of telling Sabrina, "No matter what you look like, I think you're beautiful," just say you think she is a wonderful person and always have. Then add that you hope she's doing well in her recovery and that you love and admire her. That way, your message will be stronger, and there will be no possibility of negative connotations.

DEAR ABBY: I am terribly torn. My 14-year-old daughter was molested by my 85-year-old father last year while he was on a visit from his home in another state. I have taken her to therapy to help her work through her feelings. I have also confronted him and told him he is no longer allowed contact with our daughters. However, I have not been able to sever contact with him.

I love my dad. He is my only remaining family member, and until this incident he was the model of a perfect father. I don't know how to deal with these love/hate emotions. Am I being unfair to my children by not eliminating this man from my life? -- AMBIVALENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR AMBIVALENT: It would be interesting to know what happened after the molestation. Was your father held accountable? A licensed psychotherapist is required to report child abuse and/or endangerment to the authorities. Did that happen?

"Model fathers" do not molest their grandchildren unless they are unbalanced. Because your father's behavior was out of the ordinary, he should have had a medical/psychological/neurological examination to ascertain whether he's suffering from dementia or something is physically wrong. He might be more open to it if the alternative is your notifying the police.

That said, put yourself in your daughter's situation. Had you been victimized, how would YOU feel if your mother continued having a relationship with your abuser? OK -- now you know how your daughter feels.

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