DEAR ABBY: I'm married to a wonderful man with a big family secret. His brother "John" used to be his sister "Joanne." This does not bother me in the least because I met John as a man, and I consider him a man 100 percent.

However, now that I am expecting, I have started putting photo albums and scrapbooks together. I want our future children to see pictures of my husband during his childhood -- right along with mine -- but his "sister" is in almost all of them.

I have no problems being open and honest with our children, but because my brother-in-law doesn't know that I "know," I want to be sensitive to his feelings and don't want to share these albums with friends and family without having an answer to the question, "Who is that little girl in the picture?"

This is something that no one in the family discusses, and I feel I'd be overstepping if I were to call another family member for advice. My husband doesn't know what to do, and I do not wish to strain a wonderful relationship with John, his wife and their adopted children by telling them that I know. How should I handle this? -- ANONYMOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Please understand, if you don't already, that a transgendered person is someone who has been born in a body of the wrong sex. In other words, your brother-in-law was always a boy, but trapped in a female body.

My advice is to continue assembling the albums, and if anyone asks about the "little girl" in the pictures, to relax and tell the person, "That's Uncle John when he was young. He may have looked like a girl then, but it really was Uncle John." Then turn the page and change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom with three children. I recently found out that I am pregnant once again. My boyfriend -- I'll call him "Garth" -- had told me he'd had a vasectomy five or six years ago.

My problem is, I feel like Garth trapped me into this pregnancy and lied about being "fixed." My brother-in-law has asked him several times to come up with proof that he had a vasectomy, but Garth refuses. He says he "doesn't need to prove it."

Garth says he wants to marry me. However, I have strong reservations when it comes to starting a life as man and wife with someone I can't trust. I can't help but believe he did this on purpose. Is there any way for me to find out if he is telling me the truth? Garth has been wanting to be with me since high school, 20 years ago. -- TRAPPED IN COLORADO

DEAR TRAPPED: Not all vasectomies are successful. If Garth is telling you the truth, he should have no objection to taking you to visit the doctor who performed the vasectomy and letting you see the medical record that proves it. If he refuses, well, then you will have to decide whether to carry the baby to term, to place it for adoption, or whether you want to raise the baby and be tied because of it to Garth for the rest of your life. Notice I used the word "tied" -- and not the word "married." The choice is yours.

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DEAR ABBY: It happened again! Someone put pesticide in a water bottle. A 6-year-old child got ahold of it and drank about 2 ounces. He is now on a ventilator in a pediatric intensive care unit. Having made it that far, he'll probably be OK. Why do people keep doing this?

I can't tell you how many sad stories I've seen that start with using a sports bottle, a soft drink can or a milk bottle for temporary pesticide storage. I would like very much never to see another, but my chances are not good. It is my job to track health impacts from pesticide exposure in the state where I live -- where state law requires doctors to report such events to local health officers.

Please remind your readers to keep pesticides -- and other toxic products -- in their original, carefully labeled containers. Under no circumstances should people use food or drink containers for poisons, even momentarily. Please remind readers, too, not to use more pesticide than the instructions direct. The recommended amounts are effective, and using more just asks for trouble. Thank you, Abby. -- CONCERNED HEALTH WORKER IN THE USA

DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for the important reminder. The most innocent among us are the most likely victims of irresponsibility in handling toxic substances. A word to the wise!

DEAR ABBY: I have been working as a clerk for about nine months. I love my job and have made good friends here. I enjoy working with people, and my schedule is flexible enough that I can earn my college degree.

My boss, "Tom," is a young, handsome and charming man, and I am attracted to him. We have shared each other's personal stories, and he treats me differently than he does the other female employees. He not only engages in intimate conversations about sex, but he's also touchy and very personal. Recently he told me he had cheated on his girlfriend.

I told another employee, not to pass moral judgment, but to ask what she thought he meant by telling me this. Well, it got back to Tom. He told me he was disappointed in me and he can't trust me. He said I have jeopardized his relationship with his girlfriend. I told a close adult friend. She says he acted inappropriately and he's angry with me because he feels guilty. I'm not sure what to do. I have already apologized, but our relationship is strained.

I haven't been in the working world very long. Is this level of personal sharing inappropriate? Tom says he's my friend, but I have never been to his home, gone to a movie with him or anything like that. I love my job, and I don't know if I should write him a note and apologize formally or let bygones be bygones. Please help me. -- EMPLOYEE ON THE EDGE

DEAR ON THE EDGE: Tom is not your friend; he is your boss. You have done nothing for which to apologize. Tom stepped over the line when he started treating you differently than the other employees, putting his hands on you, and engaging you in conversation of a personal -- and sexual -- nature. Tom may be handsome and charming, but he is also an unprofessional rat. Do not write him a letter of apology. Frankly, he owes you one.

DEAR ABBY: Hola! from Mexico. We have just moved to a new neighborhood where some of our friends live. I would like to invite them for dinner, but I don't know if I should wait for them to do it first. -- LUISA IN VERACRUZ, MEXICO

DEAR LUISA: If you wait to be invited, it could be a long wait. Better to be proactive. Invite your friends over. They may be more likely to reciprocate your hospitality than to entertain you on their own initiative.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm turning 90 soon and live in a small assisted-living environment. I have outlived four husbands, and I'm thinking about a fifth. For clarification, my husbands all died of natural causes -- except for my second. (He and I were divorced.)

I am just a typical, sweet old lady in need of companionship. I have my eye on a fellow resident, but I firmly believe that it's bad policy to dip my pen in the company ink -- if you know what I mean.

What options are available for single seniors these days? I met all my previous husbands through friends and family. The problem is, most of my friends have died, and my kids won't help me for fear of losing their inheritance. -- 90 WITH A FEW MILES LEFT ON THE ENGINE

DEAR 90 (BUT GOING LIKE 60): Perhaps your "kids" would be more receptive to introducing you to someone if you promise you will have a prenuptial agreement in place before marrying again. If that doesn't produce results, consider going online to one of the more popular Web sites such as Match.com or eHarmony.com -- although they charge for their services. I predict if you tell your children what you intend to do, they'll prefer you see someone they have vetted.

P.S. While I respect your "company policy," please weigh the benefit vs. the embarrassment factor in deciding whether to pursue the fellow resident you have your eye on. Nothing ventured, nothing gained (if you know what I mean), and I'm sure you could find out just about everything about him if you put your mind to it. It's always better to know with whom you're having the pleasure.

DEAR ABBY: I am the father of a 10-year-old boy and a 6-year-old girl. I would do anything for my kids.

My wife and I have had a few rocky years together and sometimes, I guess, it is inevitable for the kids to get caught in the middle. I hope you can help me understand something.

My wife, a stay-at-home mom, signed them both up for swimming lessons, and she has been taking them while I have been working. My daughter asked me several times if I could come and watch her take her lessons, but I told her I had to work. Finally, I told her I would go and watch on the last day, and she was thrilled.

My wife, however, accused me of leaving all the "work" of taking them to lessons to her -- and accused me of "just wanting to swoop in and watch when everything was done" so they would remember me coming.

Abby, I have decided not to go just to avoid the argument, but I'm sure my daughter will be disappointed. Can you please explain this to me, because I sure am ... CONFUSED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CONFUSED: Change your mind again and keep your promise to your daughter. If you break it, she will remember that you didn't come through for years to come.

If you and your wife are not in marriage counseling, you should start now. For whatever reason, your wife is angry. She is not happy with her life and may resent the role she is playing as a stay-at-home mom. That's why she is accusing you of "leaving all the work" to her, and trying to prevent you from receiving any "glory" you might attain by being there for your kids. It is sick thinking, and if you let it go it will negatively affect your relationship with your children. For their sake, get help ASAP.

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