DEAR ABBY: My daughter says her children, ages 11 and 8, are afraid of me because I correct their lack of manners. Is asking them to say "please" and "thank you," or to use a knife to cut things on their plate into small pieces rather than have food hanging out of their mouths, really expecting too much?

If their parents don't care, who will teach them? While I no longer expect people to keep their arms off the table, what are the minimal standards I should expect at a dinner table these days? Or am I expected to watch slobs sprawled over the table, picking at their food with their hands and chewing with their mouths open? -- RICHARD IN SARASOTA, FLA.

DEAR RICHARD: Sometimes it isn't what we say, as much as how we say it. I see nothing wrong with reminding children to use their manners and explaining what they are. But if you are doing it in such a way that your grandchildren are afraid of you, it may be time to work on your delivery.

DEAR ABBY: I am a new minister at a fairly large church. For this reason, I'm having a difficult time getting to know the families and remembering the hundreds of names. I would like to take the time to "come calling," as my grandmother used to say.

Is there a polite way to invite yourself over to someone's home? -- POLITE VISITOR IN MISSOURI

DEAR POLITE VISITOR: No. The people who have written me about this subject have been parishioners who felt it was an intrusion.

A more palatable way to get to know your church members would be to institute a social hour after the service so you can mingle and chat with them.

DEAR ABBY: I am a new minister at a fairly large church. For this reason, I'm having a difficult time getting to know the families and remembering the hundreds of names. I would like to take the time to "come calling," as my grandmother used to say.

Is there a polite way to invite yourself over to someone's home? -- POLITE VISITOR IN MISSOURI

DEAR POLITE VISITOR: No. The people who have written me about this subject have been parishioners who felt it was an intrusion.

A more palatable way to get to know your church members would be to institute a social hour after the service so you can mingle and chat with them.

DEAR ABBY: I am 52 years old and have absolutely adored the Beatles ever since they came over in 1964. At the time, I was growing up in a home filled with domestic violence and alcoholism. When I heard their music, I felt I had a voice for the feelings I had to keep inside -- a safe voice through music. At the same time, I could sense that each of the men in the group was as sincere as their lyrics. To this day, I still listen to Beatles music and care about the surviving members.

I know I'm not alone, as thousands love them all over the world. Even today's teenagers are catching on. I've been to Liverpool twice and have felt the essence of their songs through seeing places where their lives began.

Am I obsessed with the Beatles, or did they arrive at a time in my life when I needed to believe in something? -- VIRGINIA IN WARNER ROBINS, GA.

DEAR VIRGINIA: I'd call you less obsessed than devoted, and with good cause. The Beatles arrived at a time in many people's lives when they needed to believe in something. Their music spoke for a generation and brought sunshine to people of every age when their days were cloudy and their hearts were heavy. It continues to do so today. Things are "getting better all the time"!

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl with a big problem. My family consists of my mother, father, older brother, "Jared" (age 19), and younger brother, "Jonas" (age 11). So what's the problem? I have just learned there was another brother!

About a month ago, when my family was sitting down at dinner, we were talking about birth statistics. Out of nowhere, Jonas said, "A lot of infants die." My parents exchanged sad looks across the table, and my mom cried in her bedroom afterward.

I was so confused by this that Jared talked to me privately and told me. Apparently, Jonas was one of a set of twin boys. Jonas' twin was born prematurely and died. I believe Jared because he was 8 at the time and witnessed the whole thing. I doubt he would joke about something like this.

I think it's my right to know more about my third brother. I feel guilty that I don't even know his name. I have been keeping this knowledge a secret for more than a month now, and it's making me crazy. Should I ask my parents about him even though it will make them cry? -- BROTHER-DEPRIVED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR BROTHER-DEPRIVED: Of course it is your right to know about your third brother. However, let me caution you to proceed very gently. Obviously your mother's heart was broken, and this is something from which she may never completely recover. There also might not be much to tell -- other than how devastating the loss was to her and your father.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 32-year-old female who has been having an affair during the last year with my 59-year-old married boss. I am madly in love with him and divorced my husband eight months ago to marry him.

He promised to divorce his wife, but so far there is no sign of divorce. I'm beginning to think I'm a big fool. What do you think? -- HOT TO TROT IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR HOT TO TROT: I agree.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a library and have noticed an alarming trend. People are using their mail as bookmarks, often forgetting that it is there and returning the books. I can't tell you how many times I have found people's personal information in books that I reshelve.

Abby, please alert your readers that this practice of using mail to mark your library book is unsafe in this age of identity theft. If I don't find it first, anyone who takes the book after you and finds something you might have left there will have immediate access to your name and address. And if the mail is something sensitive, like a bill or bank statement, the dangers are even greater.

Please remind your readers that it's easy to forget, and mail is not an appropriate bookmark. -- JON IN FRAMINGHAM, MASS.

DEAR JON: Thank you for writing. I am printing your letter as a public service announcement. Readers, if you are guilty of this practice, be warned.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-something-year-old woman, single for four years, moving on with my life after the dissolution of a 24-year marriage. I am told I'm pretty. I'm in good shape, exercise regularly and take care of myself. Young men often hit on me.

My dilemma is that I find men in their 30s, 40s and 50s extremely hard to figure out. One minute they can't live without you, the next they want you to leave them alone and won't talk to you. What's the deal?

I dated one man (age 50) for eight months. He wined and dined me, said he loved me, even talked about marriage. We were close -- I thought. Our lives became very busy with work and kids, so we took a break for a while. When I tried to talk to him again, it was like there had never been any connection at all. He had lost all feeling, desire and passion. I still had it, but -- zip! -- his was gone. How does that happen?

I dated another guy who couldn't keep his hands off me. I ended it after a month because I was afraid he was going to try to make love to me in the middle of the restaurant.

Another man is very nice, but stiff. I can't get close to him at all.

I met a really interesting guy on the beach yesterday. He was around my age and took me out on his catamaran. I had a great time. He said afterward he'd be there the next day and to come to say hello. Well, he was there like he said, but when I went to say hello, he completely ignored me and walked in the other direction. Go figure.

Why can't I find a nice older man to settle down with, enjoy life and companionship with, and grow old with? I don't want to be alone, but it's really hard to find a compatible mate at this stage of life. Any suggestions? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Remember the old saying, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find Prince Charming"? Welcome back to the wonderful world of dating, which includes a lot of sifting.

Perhaps it's time to take a look at the signals you are sending out to men. Could they be catching a whiff of the scent of desperation? The most attractive women I know are those who are comfortable with themselves. Because they cultivate their own interests, they have the most to share.

My advice is to spend some time finding yourself. The dating scene has changed since you were in it the last time. Do not expect to find Mr. Right overnight. When you're finally comfortable being on your own is probably when Mr. Right will find you.

DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old nephew recently cut his finger. When the story was being told by my sister, she mentioned telling her daughter to get out one of the red towels.

"Red towel?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "I have four of them that I use only when the kids cut themselves. That way they don't see the blood, and the tears aren't as bad."

I thought that was brilliant! -- KURT N., MILWAUKEE

DEAR KURT: It certainly shows preplanning. And it makes sense to me, because a small child who has suffered a minor injury often cries more out of fear than pain.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)