DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-something-year-old woman, single for four years, moving on with my life after the dissolution of a 24-year marriage. I am told I'm pretty. I'm in good shape, exercise regularly and take care of myself. Young men often hit on me.

My dilemma is that I find men in their 30s, 40s and 50s extremely hard to figure out. One minute they can't live without you, the next they want you to leave them alone and won't talk to you. What's the deal?

I dated one man (age 50) for eight months. He wined and dined me, said he loved me, even talked about marriage. We were close -- I thought. Our lives became very busy with work and kids, so we took a break for a while. When I tried to talk to him again, it was like there had never been any connection at all. He had lost all feeling, desire and passion. I still had it, but -- zip! -- his was gone. How does that happen?

I dated another guy who couldn't keep his hands off me. I ended it after a month because I was afraid he was going to try to make love to me in the middle of the restaurant.

Another man is very nice, but stiff. I can't get close to him at all.

I met a really interesting guy on the beach yesterday. He was around my age and took me out on his catamaran. I had a great time. He said afterward he'd be there the next day and to come to say hello. Well, he was there like he said, but when I went to say hello, he completely ignored me and walked in the other direction. Go figure.

Why can't I find a nice older man to settle down with, enjoy life and companionship with, and grow old with? I don't want to be alone, but it's really hard to find a compatible mate at this stage of life. Any suggestions? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Remember the old saying, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find Prince Charming"? Welcome back to the wonderful world of dating, which includes a lot of sifting.

Perhaps it's time to take a look at the signals you are sending out to men. Could they be catching a whiff of the scent of desperation? The most attractive women I know are those who are comfortable with themselves. Because they cultivate their own interests, they have the most to share.

My advice is to spend some time finding yourself. The dating scene has changed since you were in it the last time. Do not expect to find Mr. Right overnight. When you're finally comfortable being on your own is probably when Mr. Right will find you.

DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old nephew recently cut his finger. When the story was being told by my sister, she mentioned telling her daughter to get out one of the red towels.

"Red towel?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "I have four of them that I use only when the kids cut themselves. That way they don't see the blood, and the tears aren't as bad."

I thought that was brilliant! -- KURT N., MILWAUKEE

DEAR KURT: It certainly shows preplanning. And it makes sense to me, because a small child who has suffered a minor injury often cries more out of fear than pain.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The thing that comes to mind when I look at my friends is, "How much did you cut today?" It hurts my heart to know they do it. A couple of them do it on their legs. They wear pants in the summer so no one can see the nasty gashes and scars. My other friends do it on their arms and wear long-sleeved shirts or sweatshirts in 80-degree weather. It's scary knowing some of your closest friends do this.

I am only 14, and I am crying out for help. What can I say or do to make them stop? I feel like if I tell them, they'll feel bad and cut more, and I really don't know what to do. I don't think they realize how much this hurts not just them, but me. Please print this soon. -- FRIGHTENED AND WORRIED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FRIGHTENED: You are right to be worried about your friends. They are in serious trouble. Strange as it may seem, people who cut themselves do it to distract themselves from their emotional pain. Cutting is usually a symptom of a serious emotional problem, and often cutters need professional intervention to stop their compulsion.

One would think that a child's parents would recognize that something was wrong when the young person habitually wears clothing that is inappropriate for the season -- but apparently your friends' parents are too focused on something else to notice.

Your friends are sick, and they're not likely to listen to you at this point. That's why you must tell your parents what is going on, so they can tell the other adults that their children are in need of treatment -- and the sooner the better.

DEAR ABBY: I went to college for two years after high school and did not find one bit of enjoyment in anything I was studying. Now, at 23, I work in a business owned by a friend and do a bit of acting on the side, which I love.

My problem is that I am judged by people I hardly know for my career choices. I get questions like, "Have you gone back to school yet?" and "When are you planning to go back to school?"

I was recently outraged when a family friend asked me what my fiance does for a living (construction), and if he had finished college (he did not). Abby, this woman actually asked me why I was going to marry him!

What most people don't know is, I do plan to return to school and study architecture. However, I do not feel I should have to explain my every move to these people, especially when they obviously don't care about my feelings. Most of the time I give them a disgusted look and walk away, but I'm tired of feeling like I'm running away from them. What is a polite way of telling them that my decisions are none of their business? -- UNEDUCATED IN ONTARIO

DEAR "UNEDUCATED": Having a college degree is an asset, but no guarantee of success -- and people in the trades also can earn a very good living. (Just ask anyone who has tried to hire a plumber, electrician or someone to remodel a home.)

You are under no obligation to confide your career plans to anyone who asks. Just smile and say, "I'm planning on winning the lottery."

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter is regarding "Second-Guessing Myself in New York" (June 9), the young single woman who wants to have a baby by artificial insemination and thinks her dad will be a great role model. My sister had the same idea.

Shortly thereafter, I had my first child. My beautiful daughter was born with multiple birth defects and required many surgeries and hospitalizations. Thank God, I was married, and my husband was very supportive. I had to quit my job and stay home to care for our daughter. She is much better now, but will always require some help.

Our family had no history of birth defects, and my pregnancy was perfect. No one had any idea that my daughter would have problems. It was a big wake-up call for my sister. It made her realize that, as a single parent, she would have been unable to take time away from her job to care for a child with intensive (and expensive) needs.

Readers who are considering the prospect of becoming single parents by choice should remember that sometimes not everything goes as planned. -- MOTHER WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MOTHER: Thank you for adding your personal perspective to this issue. The responses I received about the letter from "Second-Guessing" were balanced and thoughtful. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Four years after my first marriage, I decided that if the right man had not come along by the time I was 30, I would have a baby on my own. Then came Steve, the man of my dreams, the one I wanted to share my life and have children with. We began trying to have a child. When it didn't happen, we explored other options, but Steve said he didn't want to raise "someone else's child." I prayed that eventually I'd conceive and my dream would come true.

Three months ago, without warning, my "wonderful" husband of 22 years told me he was no longer in love with me. He had fallen for someone else (who has children, by the way!). The shock is still painful, but the truth is, if I had stuck with my original plan I would have my child. Now at 53, I have no children and my biological clock has stopped ticking.

If "Second-Guessing" is financially and emotionally prepared to have a child by age 30, she should not deprive herself of something she desperately wants. -- MARRIED MR. WRONG IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: At 28, with no potential husband in sight, I was worried that I would never get to have a baby. It was something I wanted more than anything, and couldn't see happening unless I did it myself.

Just before I turned 30, I met my husband. At 31, we were married, and a year later I had my first child. We have been happily married for eight years with two wonderful little boys. I cannot imagine doing it on my own. I have a loving spouse with whom to share all of this joy.

I, too, was worried about the high divorce rate and unhealthy relationships I saw around me. My husband and I sought counseling together before our wedding to make sure we were starting out on the right foot, and to learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

My advice: Hang in there and work hard to find the right partner. It is worth the wait! -- PATIENT ONE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I am the only child of the most loving, generous, hard-working, inspiring single mother in the world. She always wanted to have a child, got pregnant at 30, and made the decision to raise me by herself. My mom and I are a complete family, and I wouldn't trade my relationship with her for anything. -- DAUGHTER OF A SINGLE MOM IN SEATTLE

DEAR ABBY: Has "Second-Guessing" thought about adopting or fostering a needy child? While I am sure that most people think they have something extraordinary to add to the gene pool, the sad fact is that there are countless thousands of children in this country who need a stable family. -- BOTHERED IN SAN FRANCISCO

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)