DEAR ABBY: Fourteen years ago, when my daughter was 4, my older sister, "Jennifer," was visiting. She was conversing with people at my dinner table, and my 4-year-old daughter was seated next to her. Jennifer was swearing and using vulgar language. (When I was younger, we could never even say "jeez" in front of Jennifer's children.)

My daughter tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Aunt Jenny, you shouldn't be saying words like that in front of me." My sister turned to her and said, "Listen, you little s---. You can't tell me what to say and not to say!" I haven't spoken to Jennifer much since that evening. She sent me a T-shirt soon afterward that said, "Get over it!"

Well, 14 years later, I still haven't. She never apologized to me or my daughter. My niece (Jennifer's daughter) thinks we should talk. I can't imagine anything I could have done in my younger years to have her retaliate in such a way. My niece says I should just let it go. Help! It still bothers me. -- SUE IN OXFORD, CONN.

DEAR SUE: Your sister should have apologized, but obviously she wasn't big enough to do it. What happened 14 years ago was extremely regrettable. However, enough water has flowed under the bridge since then to have washed away your sister's sins. I agree with your niece. It's time to let bygones be bygones. However, when your sister is under your roof, never give her anything stronger than apple juice.

DEAR ABBY: My life has been a roller coaster. I am 27, have three lovely kids and am in my fourth marriage. I have finally found my soul mate. However, our relationship is rocky.

I love this man with all my heart, but we do not have what I consider a true marriage. We have our own money, pay our own bills and live our own lives. How can a marriage work like that? We have our ups and downs just like everyone else. One of our arguments recently became heated, and I don't know how to let it go and move on.

Will my marriage work? I am desperate! This is my fourth, and I really want it to work. What can I do? -- ON A ROLLER COASTER IN PARIS, TEXAS

DEAR ON A ROLLER COASTER: Ask your husband if he also wants the marriage to work -- because if the answer is yes, you both have a lot of work ahead of you. Your relationship sounds more like a partnership than a marriage. And if the argument you mentioned escalated into a physical altercation, there are serious anger issues to consider.

If your husband is willing, the two of you should start talking with a licensed marriage and family counselor as soon as possible. If he's not, then consult one alone, because you may have married the same man four times.

DEAR ABBY: I am curious about why so many people exaggerate their height. A lot of movie actors and professional athletes do this. They all say they are taller than they actually are. What gives? -- DAN IN PERTH AMBOY, N.J.

DEAR DAN: They mistakenly associate height with masculinity, and therefore sex appeal. Of course, the true measure of a man is from his eyebrows up, and sex appeal is based far more upon what's between the ears than on the tape measure.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR READERS: Yesterday, I printed some of the reactions I received to a letter I got about a disabled person whose wheelchair overturned, and who was left lying on the sidewalk by passers-by who failed to offer assistance. Today's responses are examples of how little it takes to help someone in distress, and how each of us is capable of assisting someone in need. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My aunt was driving her power scooter up the new access ramp at the local library when it suddenly flipped and landed on top of her, pinning her down like a beetle on its back. When she looked up, she found herself staring into the face of a smiling young man whose first words were, "What's wrong with this picture?" It turned out he was the engineer who had built all the walkways.

On her next visit to the library, true to his word, the problem with the ramp had been corrected. If that gentleman happens to read this, I just want to say "thank you." You made her day. -- GRATEFUL NIECE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Last fall, I fractured my ankle badly and was in a wheelchair for almost two months. I call it my character-building experience. I never realized how hard it is for the disabled to get things done. However, my experience with people was the complete opposite of "Horrified's."

People would dash in front of me to open doors. I can't count the number of times I heard, "Do you need my help?" from complete strangers. I always believed there were wonderful people in the world, and my experience confirmed it. -- GLAD I LIVE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: I have witnessed the opposite of what happened in Dover, Del. As I sat in an airport waiting for my flight to leave, I heard a loud crash and turned to see someone fall down the steps of an escalator. I started toward her, but saw at least five people closer than I was rushing to her. Every single person in the immediate vicinity responded instantly with compassion. -- SACRAMENTO FLIER

DEAR ABBY: "Horrified's" letter reminded me of a quote that I came across years ago. It changed my way of thinking about life and has made me a braver person. It goes something like this: "I wondered why 'somebody' didn't do something. Then I realized, I was somebody."

Sometimes people are self-conscious about taking public action. They assume it will be taken care of by someone who is more experienced or assertive. Perhaps people need to be reminded that we are all "somebodies" with the power to help and make a difference, however small that action might seem. -- CAROL IN POTSDAM, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I was at a traffic light and noticed a man near the side of my van had tipped over in his wheelchair. He had no legs and was stuck between the fence, the ground and the bus stop bench.

I told my 4-year-old daughter not to move, put on my hazard blinkers and went to offer assistance. I picked up his wheelchair and was struggling to pick him up, and still nobody helped. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a truck whipped into the nearby parking lot and the driver picked the man up in one swoop, put him in his chair and left in seconds!

I have a bulging disc in my back, but still I was determined to help the man in the wheelchair. I am still amazed at the kindness of the person who came to the rescue of both me and the man who had the accident. -- CINDY, OUT WEST

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Horrified in Dover, Del." (May 30) describes a classic example of what psychologists call "Bystander Syndrome." It's a sad fact that the majority of people pass by an accident or simply stand and watch without helping because they figure that "somebody else" will do something. In many cases, nobody does anything, which can lead to serious consequences.

That is why it's important that people be familiar with basic first aid and not hesitate to take action when they see a crisis unfolding. And if you need something done for you, specifically select someone from the crowd, and indicate clearly to that person what you need. People are far more likely to take action when told to do so. -- STUDENT OF PSYCHOLOGY, LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR STUDENT: The majority of my readers felt there were legal, ethical and moral reasons why a person should -- or should not -- help someone in distress. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In rebuttal to your assertion that there is "no excuse" not to help, there are at least two reasons why folks might not stop and provide assistance.

The first is general liability, where the lady might, after the fact, decide to bring a lawsuit if all didn't go well with the assistance she was provided. There is also the remote possibility that the accident was staged to provide a basis for a lawsuit.

The other is that the state in which the accident occurred may not have a "Good Samaritan" law, which limits the potential liability of a person who provides assistance to the person in distress. Without that law in place, the courts and juries are stacked against the Good Samaritan.

It's unfortunate that people who offer a helping hand place themselves potentially at financial and emotional risk. I only hope that I have the presence of mind in the future to withhold assistance in a state that has no Good Samaritan law. So far, I have always given assistance, even though I have promised myself I wouldn't. -- GOOD SAMARITAN LAW ADVOCATE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: In your response to "Horrified," you said, "There are still many caring people ..." "Still" is the key word. There was a time in the not-so-distant past when anyone would have helped without hesitation. Walking by was virtually unheard of. Now it's considered normal behavior. Hopefully, this diminished sense of empathy is reversible in our culture. -- STILL CARING, KELSEYVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: After reading "Horrified's" letter, I must tell you about a similar incident.

"Tank" is a big man. He has only one leg and the other isn't in the best condition. He uses a motorized wheelchair to get around.

One evening during rush hour, Tank was on his way home when one of the wheels on the chair fell off. After a half-hour sitting by the curb in the cold rain with no one coming to his aid, he became disgusted. Being anything but helpless, he held onto the arm of the wheelchair and hopped up on his damaged foot. When the next vehicle drew close enough that he knew he'd be spotlighted in the headlights, he turned around and MOONED the vehicle.

Abby, the police arrived almost immediately to arrest the "flasher." However, after understanding Tank's predicament, they nicely summoned assistance. -- INTRIGUED BY INGENUITY

DEAR READERS: More on this tomorrow, from a different perspective.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)