DEAR ABBY: At 16, I married a man I didn't love. No excuses, but the stress of that marriage kept me an angry person. I was an abusive mother when my children were growing up. I have apologized to them more than once and changed who I am. Last year, my second husband and I opened our home to my oldest daughter and her two children. (She had her third baby while living with us.)

Sadly, my daughter is perpetuating the abusive behavior she grew up with. I tried to gently bring it to her attention while she was living here, but she quickly blamed it all on me. She moved out, separated herself and her children from me, and through telephone conversations has also alienated her sister and brother from me. She has lied to them about me, and they have shared their horror stories about childhood abuse with each other. Now, only one out of four of my grown children will even speak to me.

What more can I do besides apologize? I love my children and grandchildren. I hate seeing them repeat the cycle of abuse. They blame me, saying they learned it from me. I have tried telling my daughter she must learn how to break the cycle and make things better for her own children, but this has only pushed her further away. How can I mend my broken family and my broken heart? -- FILLED WITH REGRET IN INDIANA

DEAR FILLED WITH REGRET: You can't. You planted this crop, and this is the harvest. However, if the child who is still speaking with you can prevail upon his/her siblings to reconsider what they are doing, there is a chance that with counseling the pattern of abuse can be broken. It's a long shot. And if it doesn't work, then you must seriously evaluate whether child protective services should intervene for the sake of your grandchildren's safety.

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice on how to deny my granddaughter the right to live with me. My parents divorced when I was 11. I was the eldest of eight children and was sent to a foster home, where I was also their baby sitter.

When I graduated from high school, I immediately married a boy from school who I was friendly with. It got me out of the system, but I worked hard on that marriage. We had five children in six years, plus both of my elderly in-laws lived with us.

For the last two years I have been alone. (Both of my parents died shortly after my husband was killed in an auto accident.) I have been taking care of others all my life, so now I feel I deserve some alone time.

Because I own my home (which I earned myself), my granddaughter thinks it is her right to move in with her two girls as "you have more space than you need." I love "Mary," but I feel she won't move out once she's in. I don't want to alienate her, but I want her to stand on her own two feet, not mine. -- FEELING TRAPPED AND GUILTY

DEAR FEELING TRAPPED AND GUILTY: Stand your ground. You are not trapped and you should not feel guilty. Your alarm bells are going off with good reason. The statement that you "have more space than you need" is presumptuous, and shows that your granddaughter has an exaggerated sense of entitlement. And you might, indeed, have a hard time getting rid of her once she gets comfortable.

My advice is to "remind" your granddaughter of the facts of your life, just as you related them to me. You are entitled to peace of mind and a life of your own because you have definitely "served your time."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: While I was growing up, my parents made fun of and belittled me. Everything I said was either "ridiculous" or wrong in some way. I was teased at school by the other children, and my parents wondered aloud what I was doing wrong to cause them to tease me. I was told to "grow a thicker skin" or "get over it." No one seemed to understand how much it hurt being picked on all the time.

Over the years, I have learned to look the other way when I feel bad because I know most people probably don't mean it. Last week, however, I defended myself against a co-worker who took everything I said and turned it into a joke. We were with a group of people, and everything I said seemed to be simply hilarious. I was embarrassed and hurt because when I asked her to stop, she just laughed and said, "I can't help it! You leave yourself wide open!"

I became very angry and told her she should hang out with some of the others who like to joke that way, and that not everyone thinks her kind of humor is funny.

I ran into her the next day, and when I greeted her, her response was, "Frankly, after your little outburst, I have nothing to say to you!" She hasn't spoken to me in a week. Now I feel guilty for having spoken up. I plan to write her a letter of apology. I never intended to return the hurt she was giving me -- just to make her aware of how she made me feel.

Was I wrong to say anything to her in public, as she was doing to me? Do I owe her an apology, or was I justified? I feel her behavior was immature, and I'm not the only one she does it to. I just wanted her to stop, not destroy a relationship with an otherwise nice person. Your thoughts, please? -- "LILY" IN NORTH DAKOTA

DEAR "LILY": Do not write your co-worker an apology. She is the one who should have apologized to you -- immediately -- when you asked her (nicely) to stop ridiculing you. She is not a nice person, she is a bully -- and I'll bet the other people she has ridiculed were cheering you on.

Interesting, isn't it, that when you called her on her rude behavior she became hypersensitive? A person who dishes it out should be able to take it -- and frankly, you showed better manners under the circumstances than most people would have.

DEAR ABBY: I just learned through a good friend of mine that "someone" sent out a mass e-mail to all my friends complaining that she wasn't invited to my wedding. Abby, this person is a friend of a friend. I do not have her phone number, e-mail, address, etc., and we haven't seen or spoken to each other in more than two years.

I never enjoyed hanging out with her because she loved to lay guilt trips over every little thing. This is just another classic example. How should I handle her behavior? -- ANONYMOUS IN NEBRASKA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Ignore the mass e-mail. The person you describe may have emotional problems, one of them being a fixation on you. You are under no obligation to invite this person to your wedding. And if she pops into your life in the future, avoid her. She's trouble.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband recently got custody of his 16-year-old son, "Zack," from his first marriage. We have been going to therapy with Zack for some things that happened to him while he was with his mother, and telling him that if he's going to live with us he has to go by our rules.

Zack agreed to this, but since then has stolen from me and lied to my face about doing it -- even after I found the things that he had taken in his room. Zack has also tried to hit me, but when I told my husband, he just said he didn't know what to do. Zack's social worker wants to send him to a treatment center in a nearby state to help him with the problems he's having, but my husband doesn't want him to go.

Abby, I gave my husband a choice: Either Zack goes to the center and gets treatment, or I leave forever, because I'm not going to be treated like this by a 16-year-old.

What should I do? If my husband refuses to send his son, should I leave? Or should I stay and take the chance of being hit the next time I catch Zack doing something?

-- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR BETWEEN: Before you make that decision, please understand that your husband probably feels helpless and guilty about the way his son has turned out, and fears that sending his son away would somehow be letting him down.

Your husband needs to understand that sometimes being a responsible parent means doing something that is painful. In two short years, his son will be 18 and an adult. Adults who steal from others and strike out at them in a physical way usually wind up in prison. The time to get the boy the help he needs -- intensive help -- is NOW.

If you can't get your husband to recognize these hard facts, then you may need the help of a marriage counselor or a clergyperson to do so. If he still refuses after that, then you should pack your bags -- if not forever, until his son is out of the house and on his own. You have my deepest sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: Twenty-five years ago, I was dating a man I'll call "Robert" and became pregnant with our son. Robert and I parted ways and lost touch after a while. I raised our son by myself, with the help of my parents. Later I married and had more children, and Robert married, too.

When our son was 23, he met his father for the first time. Robert and I have seen each other a few times over the years. We have remained friends.

Abby, Robert's wife has died and I am now divorced. I would like to call him and talk to him and see if, maybe, we can become more than friends. I don't know whether I should approach him or not. I have always refrained from bothering him.

I saw Robert recently, and he was nice to me. I don't know how our son would react if we became more than friends. He is friendly toward his dad, but nothing more. Should I contact Robert or wait to see if he contacts me?

-- LONELY IN MISSOURI

DEAR LONELY: You must be very lonely to be fantasizing about getting serious with Robert. Where was he when you and your son needed his emotional and financial support? Contact him if you wish, but if he had romantic feelings for you, I am sure he would have contacted you already.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)