DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Furious in Vancouver, Wash." (5/30), about adults-only weddings, was right on.

My brother is being married in two weeks. We were informed, via e-mail, that children were not invited. The note said that baby-sitting was being arranged, but that each couple would be responsible for the baby-sitting fee.

My wife and I are upset about it, because we have an adopted 16-year-old and an 8-year-old who will be in the wedding party as the ring bearer. We also have a newborn, but because baby sitters are being arranged we didn't have a problem leaving him with them.

As you suggested, I called my brother to ask about it. They relented, and now the plan is for no children under 7. This will result in excluding only two children from the guest list.

In the end, it was better for me to talk to my brother first than to go off half-cocked and create a potentially ugly situation for what should be one of the happiest events in my brother's life. -- MIKE IN INDIANA

DEAR MIKE: Readers from both sides of the aisle wrote to agree that the writer was being unreasonable and that she should attend her brother's wedding -- with or without her husband. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Furious" made ME furious. She implied that her brother should not allow his son at the wedding because "if no kids are allowed, then there should be no exceptions." She must be joking! Not to allow his own son at his wedding is much different than not allowing a couple of nephews. There are many reasons why her brother and soon-to-be wife might have reached their decision. She should grant her brother's wish and stop complaining that her young children -- who would be bored anyway -- can't attend. She should make it a date night out with her hubby and enjoy herself! -- FURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: The woman whose children were not invited to her brother's small wedding needs to check an etiquette book. It is the privilege of the host/hostess to determine the guest list, and not for the guests to question. It is also rude for guests to ask to invite extra guests, or to bring them anyway, especially to a small wedding.

-- ETIQUETTE MAVEN, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: As a wedding singer and tour guide for a historic home that hosts weddings, I'm appalled at the behavior of children at weddings. I am even more disgusted at the lack of parental control I have seen exercised. By the way, I have four children of my own whom I love, but I don't take them to weddings. -- BIG BROWN SINGING TOUR GUIDE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: Sorry, I must disagree with you on this one. It's the brother who has done something he'll regret. The sister is reacting to his disrespect for her family.

My wife and children are my world, and other family members are simply satellites around that world. If they refuse to recognize my world, then to me, they're just insignificant comets flying through my universe. -- DOUG IN BLANCHARD, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: Not every occasion is designed to give parents the opportunity to parade their kids around like show dogs. Sure, your kids are sweet and adorable in their parents' eyes, but not everyone shares that opinion. Deal with it! The wedding couple has the final say on who is invited to their wedding. Either hire a baby sitter or stay home. The choice is yours. -- CHILD-FREE IN TENNESSEE

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Can you go to Al-Anon if you had a husband who was an alcoholic, but is dead? He committed suicide with a 5.0 blood alcohol level.

I have been a mess for the last two years. I can't sleep, can't concentrate and don't enjoy anything. I would really like to be able to talk with people who understand what living with an alcoholic is like and won't blame me for what he did, as most of his family does. But I hesitate to go to Al-Anon.

What can I do to get over the self-inflicted death of a man I'll never stop loving? -- HURTING IN HOUSTON

DEAR HURTING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your husband. There are several things you can do to heal yourself. The first is to recognize that the symptoms you describe are signs of chronic depression for which you will need professional help -- so pick up the phone and ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist.

While I am sure you would be welcome at Al-Anon, another group that would also welcome you with open arms is the American Association of Suicidology, which provides -- among other things -- materials and referrals to local self-help groups for survivors of suicide. The Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.suicidology.org" ��www.suicidology.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I want you to know you have helped me find a way to spend more time not only talking with my fiance, but also sharing our thoughts and values. We have been together more than two years. "Marshall" isn't much of a talker, while sometimes I just ramble on. I suspect Marshall often agrees with me just to get me to shut up.

Well, I have been reading your column archives online recently and have started sharing some of the letters with him. I read them aloud and ask him how he would respond to them and why. After he answers, I tell him my feelings on the subject. The broad range of issues in your column helps us discuss important issues that don't normally come up in conversation.

Marshall and I agree most of the time, but not always. When we don't agree, we discuss how we would compromise if we were in the same situation as the person writing the letter. Then we read your response. This has helped us realize things about each other that we hadn't previously and has definitely brought us closer together. Thank you!

-- LOYAL READER IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR LOYAL READER: You're welcome. I'm pleased my column is helping you and your fiance to better communicate. However, before you and Marshall finally tie the knot, allow me to offer a suggestion that could help you head off numerous serious problems before they become issues. It's premarital counseling, and it will facilitate meaningful discussions regarding money, sex, children and religion, to name a few of the topics.

DEAR ABBY: I want you to know you have helped me find a way to spend more time not only talking with my fiance, but also sharing our thoughts and values. We have been together more than two years. "Marshall" isn't much of a talker, while sometimes I just ramble on. I suspect Marshall often agrees with me just to get me to shut up.

Well, I have been reading your column archives online recently and have started sharing some of the letters with him. I read them aloud and ask him how he would respond to them and why. After he answers, I tell him my feelings on the subject. The broad range of issues in your column helps us discuss important issues that don't normally come up in conversation.

Marshall and I agree most of the time, but not always. When we don't agree, we discuss how we would compromise if we were in the same situation as the person writing the letter. Then we read your response. This has helped us realize things about each other that we hadn't previously and has definitely brought us closer together. Thank you!

-- LOYAL READER IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR LOYAL READER: You're welcome. I'm pleased my column is helping you and your fiance to better communicate. However, before you and Marshall finally tie the knot, allow me to offer a suggestion that could help you head off numerous serious problems before they become issues. It's premarital counseling, and it will facilitate meaningful discussions regarding money, sex, children and religion, to name a few of the topics.

DEAR ABBY: My soon-to-be-ex-husband's secretary keeps giving my 16-year-old daughter extravagant gifts for Christmas. One year it was a complete Tiffany jewelry set (earrings, necklace and ring). This past year, "Donna" gave my daughter a $200 gift certificate to an expensive clothing store and another $200 one at a trendy cosmetics store. Should I be suspicious? -- EAST COAST MAMA

DEAR EAST COAST MAMA: No, by now you should be convinced.

DEAR ABBY: My 43-year-old daughter, "Wendy," three granddaughters (7, 8 and 11) and son-in-law, "Todd," have been guests in my house for six months. Last February, Wendy called to say they were being evicted for nonpayment of rent. She said they would be homeless if I didn't let them come to my home for a while. I agreed to let them be guests in my home for three months, provided she and Todd both got jobs and saved for a rental during that time.

After three months, I reminded them they needed to move into a place of their own. Todd has produced a short film for which he was paid, and Wendy is working in a retail store. At that point I was very tired. I had virtually become a maid in my own home, baby-sitting for them because Todd works out of the area much of the time and Wendy works evenings and weekends. I also do most of the housecleaning and provide transportation for my granddaughters after school.

My daughter told me they had saved no money and couldn't move. I find it strange, since I haven't asked for any rent while they have been with me. I agreed they could stay two more months if they would actually save the money they were earning. I also suggested they sell one of their expensive cars, and either manage with one or buy an old one with the cash from the sale, so they wouldn't have such large payments and insurance. At the end of that time, they still had done none of the above.

It has now been six months since they moved in. I am not prepared to allow them any more time in my home. Wendy has become verbally abusive, and I have become extremely nervous. At times I fear for my safety. Am I being unreasonable in demanding they leave? -- FED-UP GRANDMOTHER

DEAR FED-UP: You have been more than generous with your freeloading daughter and her husband. They are taking advantage of your generosity and will continue to do so until you take steps to protect yourself.

I am particularly concerned because you say that the level of hostility in your household is escalating. Please pick up the phone and ask the operator for the number of your nearest area agency on aging. You may need help -- and protection -- to accomplish the eviction of your daughter and her family, and I urgently advise that you seek it immediately.

DEAR ABBY: My intelligent, wonderful daughter is determined to develop a sense of humor in her own 8-year-old by responding to her queries with, "Are you crazy?" or, "Have you lost your mind?" I think this is detrimental and damaging to the child. Please advise both of us. -- ANXIOUS GRANNY IN RENO

DEAR GRANNY: You're right to be worried. I question not only your "intelligent, wonderful" daughter's sense of humor, but also her parenting skills, because what she's doing is hostile. And one has to wonder why she thinks belittling her child will develop anything but distance between them and insecurity in the girl.

How much better it would be if she simply answered her daughter's questions, and allowed her to develop her own sense of humor by setting an example that demonstrates what humor is. Neither you nor I should have to point out what she's doing is not funny.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)