DEAR ABBY: My 43-year-old daughter, "Wendy," three granddaughters (7, 8 and 11) and son-in-law, "Todd," have been guests in my house for six months. Last February, Wendy called to say they were being evicted for nonpayment of rent. She said they would be homeless if I didn't let them come to my home for a while. I agreed to let them be guests in my home for three months, provided she and Todd both got jobs and saved for a rental during that time.

After three months, I reminded them they needed to move into a place of their own. Todd has produced a short film for which he was paid, and Wendy is working in a retail store. At that point I was very tired. I had virtually become a maid in my own home, baby-sitting for them because Todd works out of the area much of the time and Wendy works evenings and weekends. I also do most of the housecleaning and provide transportation for my granddaughters after school.

My daughter told me they had saved no money and couldn't move. I find it strange, since I haven't asked for any rent while they have been with me. I agreed they could stay two more months if they would actually save the money they were earning. I also suggested they sell one of their expensive cars, and either manage with one or buy an old one with the cash from the sale, so they wouldn't have such large payments and insurance. At the end of that time, they still had done none of the above.

It has now been six months since they moved in. I am not prepared to allow them any more time in my home. Wendy has become verbally abusive, and I have become extremely nervous. At times I fear for my safety. Am I being unreasonable in demanding they leave? -- FED-UP GRANDMOTHER

DEAR FED-UP: You have been more than generous with your freeloading daughter and her husband. They are taking advantage of your generosity and will continue to do so until you take steps to protect yourself.

I am particularly concerned because you say that the level of hostility in your household is escalating. Please pick up the phone and ask the operator for the number of your nearest area agency on aging. You may need help -- and protection -- to accomplish the eviction of your daughter and her family, and I urgently advise that you seek it immediately.

DEAR ABBY: My intelligent, wonderful daughter is determined to develop a sense of humor in her own 8-year-old by responding to her queries with, "Are you crazy?" or, "Have you lost your mind?" I think this is detrimental and damaging to the child. Please advise both of us. -- ANXIOUS GRANNY IN RENO

DEAR GRANNY: You're right to be worried. I question not only your "intelligent, wonderful" daughter's sense of humor, but also her parenting skills, because what she's doing is hostile. And one has to wonder why she thinks belittling her child will develop anything but distance between them and insecurity in the girl.

How much better it would be if she simply answered her daughter's questions, and allowed her to develop her own sense of humor by setting an example that demonstrates what humor is. Neither you nor I should have to point out what she's doing is not funny.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This summer, three of my good friends are being married. I am happy for each of them and plan to attend their weddings. However, being 25 and in my first job, I am on a limited budget.

What is the appropriate amount to spend to attend a wedding with a guest? It does not help that one of the brides-to-be continually "reminds" me and the rest of our friends how much the wedding is costing her and her fiance -- $100 a person, and how she hopes to get it all back in monetary gifts for the wedding.

I am appalled that she expects her guests to pay their way to her extravagant wedding. Should I feel pressured to give the exact amount that she is requesting? -- PUZZLED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PUZZLED: You should, indeed, feel pressured because that is what your "good friend" is shamelessly doing. But do not give any more than you can comfortably afford. Take the bull by the horns, spell out your financial situation to her, and ask whether you'll be welcome if you can't come up with the "entrance fee."

True friends do not treat each other this way. If you're afraid your friendship will be over if you do it, allow me to point out that if she feels shortchanged, it will be over anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old gay stepson, "Lance," returned from New York City last winter -- out of work and informing us that he's HIV-positive. He has not sought medical assistance, and has men overnight.

I care deeply for Lance. I worry about his physical and mental health, and I don't know what to do. His father and I cannot afford to pay his medical bills, and he lives in our garage. With no job, and apparently depressed and in denial, Lance has already attacked me physically and has been rude and insulting -- but most of all he does nothing to help his own situation. We have to buy his food and cigarettes and have supplied him with a computer. How can I help him? -- SICK WITH HEARTACHE IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR SICK WITH HEARTACHE: It is very important that your stepson be medically and psychologically evaluated, because what he is doing is endangering not only himself but also his overnight "guests." The sooner he gets counseling and medication, the sooner he can get on with his life.

While there is still no cure for HIV, there have been enough medical advances that the condition can be managed for many years. This means that people with HIV can live productive and satisfying lives -- but only if they get the treatment they need.

My advice is to stop enabling this young man and insist that he get treatment if he is to continue living at home. Your nearest gay and lesbian community center can refer you. To locate it, go to www.lgbtcenters.org.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Lola," has a friend whose mother wants to take her for a pedicure when she stays the night this weekend. I am totally against a 10-year-old getting one and think it's a waste of money. I have had only three pedicures in my life. I'm 37, have a job and I am responsible with my money. Do I let her do it, and if so, should I offer to pay? Help! -- HIGHER PRIORITIES IN RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR HIGHER PRIORITIES: If the other mother would like to take Lola for a pedicure along with her daughter, I see no harm in it. Let her go, and allow the other mother to treat her -- which is what she appears to be offering to do.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother is constantly calling me to say, "Did you just call me?" Anytime her phone rings and she can't get to it, she calls everyone she knows and asks that question. It is particularly irritating if I am in the middle of something that's difficult to put down when that's the only reason she called. Then she hurries on to the next person on her list to check.

I have repeatedly suggested caller ID, but she won't get it, saying she'll just check around. She knows it's irritating, especially when she calls me at work.

Any suggestions on how I can either learn to live with this, or get her to stop it? -- LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS

DEAR LYNN: It appears your mother has too much free time on her hands. She may be reaching out because she is lonely and needs to talk to somebody. (If she calls enough people, surely someone will spend some time with her.) I don't know what her mental status is, but she could also be losing it.

If her phone rang, it could have been a telemarketing call. So if your mother feels that caller ID isn't for her, ask her if she might compromise and get an answering machine.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and ever since we started dating he has had another woman in his life -- his sister. It seems whenever we're around her, I do not exist!

He uses her as his confidante and solicits her opinion about everything without consulting me at all. People have asked them before if they are dating.

I have expressed my discomfort with his relationship with his sister before, but he doesn't care. He just says he doesn't mean to hurt me -- but it does. He has been talking about our becoming engaged lately, but I don't think I can marry a man who puts his sister before me. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- TIRED OF COMING IN SECOND IN S.C.

DEAR TIRED: Not in my opinion. Not knowing your boyfriend and/or his sister, nor having witnessed the dynamic between them, I am not in a position to note whether their closeness is excessive. However, because they seem to be unusually bonded, the woman who marries your boyfriend will have to be willing to accept a "package deal." And you don't appear to be that kind of person. Caveat emptor.

DEAR ABBY: Am I being old-fashioned to expect servers to bring me all the change due me when I pay my bill at a restaurant? Three times in the last few months, I have been shortchanged. The amounts are small, from a few cents to almost a dollar. It's not the amount that concerns me; it's the notion that it's the proper thing to do.

When I politely request the remainder of my change, I have been subjected to thinly disguised disdain and a rude reply. On one occasion, I was informed that the server didn't have the correct change, and then additional coins were dropped on the table. In every case, some mention was made of their expectation that I would include the shortage in their gratuity. I feel it's my money, and I'll decide how to leave the tip.

Am I living in the past by expecting correct change? -- MICHAEL IN CHELSEA, ALA.

DEAR MICHAEL: Heck no! The servers you describe are extremely presumptuous. You have every right to tell the server that you expect all the change that's coming to you, and you should inform the manager of the restaurant about what's going on. If the situation isn't corrected, you also have the right to take your business elsewhere. That's what I'd do.

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