DEAR ABBY: This summer, three of my good friends are being married. I am happy for each of them and plan to attend their weddings. However, being 25 and in my first job, I am on a limited budget.

What is the appropriate amount to spend to attend a wedding with a guest? It does not help that one of the brides-to-be continually "reminds" me and the rest of our friends how much the wedding is costing her and her fiance -- $100 a person, and how she hopes to get it all back in monetary gifts for the wedding.

I am appalled that she expects her guests to pay their way to her extravagant wedding. Should I feel pressured to give the exact amount that she is requesting? -- PUZZLED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PUZZLED: You should, indeed, feel pressured because that is what your "good friend" is shamelessly doing. But do not give any more than you can comfortably afford. Take the bull by the horns, spell out your financial situation to her, and ask whether you'll be welcome if you can't come up with the "entrance fee."

True friends do not treat each other this way. If you're afraid your friendship will be over if you do it, allow me to point out that if she feels shortchanged, it will be over anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old gay stepson, "Lance," returned from New York City last winter -- out of work and informing us that he's HIV-positive. He has not sought medical assistance, and has men overnight.

I care deeply for Lance. I worry about his physical and mental health, and I don't know what to do. His father and I cannot afford to pay his medical bills, and he lives in our garage. With no job, and apparently depressed and in denial, Lance has already attacked me physically and has been rude and insulting -- but most of all he does nothing to help his own situation. We have to buy his food and cigarettes and have supplied him with a computer. How can I help him? -- SICK WITH HEARTACHE IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR SICK WITH HEARTACHE: It is very important that your stepson be medically and psychologically evaluated, because what he is doing is endangering not only himself but also his overnight "guests." The sooner he gets counseling and medication, the sooner he can get on with his life.

While there is still no cure for HIV, there have been enough medical advances that the condition can be managed for many years. This means that people with HIV can live productive and satisfying lives -- but only if they get the treatment they need.

My advice is to stop enabling this young man and insist that he get treatment if he is to continue living at home. Your nearest gay and lesbian community center can refer you. To locate it, go to www.lgbtcenters.org.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Lola," has a friend whose mother wants to take her for a pedicure when she stays the night this weekend. I am totally against a 10-year-old getting one and think it's a waste of money. I have had only three pedicures in my life. I'm 37, have a job and I am responsible with my money. Do I let her do it, and if so, should I offer to pay? Help! -- HIGHER PRIORITIES IN RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR HIGHER PRIORITIES: If the other mother would like to take Lola for a pedicure along with her daughter, I see no harm in it. Let her go, and allow the other mother to treat her -- which is what she appears to be offering to do.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is constantly calling me to say, "Did you just call me?" Anytime her phone rings and she can't get to it, she calls everyone she knows and asks that question. It is particularly irritating if I am in the middle of something that's difficult to put down when that's the only reason she called. Then she hurries on to the next person on her list to check.

I have repeatedly suggested caller ID, but she won't get it, saying she'll just check around. She knows it's irritating, especially when she calls me at work.

Any suggestions on how I can either learn to live with this, or get her to stop it? -- LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS

DEAR LYNN: It appears your mother has too much free time on her hands. She may be reaching out because she is lonely and needs to talk to somebody. (If she calls enough people, surely someone will spend some time with her.) I don't know what her mental status is, but she could also be losing it.

If her phone rang, it could have been a telemarketing call. So if your mother feels that caller ID isn't for her, ask her if she might compromise and get an answering machine.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and ever since we started dating he has had another woman in his life -- his sister. It seems whenever we're around her, I do not exist!

He uses her as his confidante and solicits her opinion about everything without consulting me at all. People have asked them before if they are dating.

I have expressed my discomfort with his relationship with his sister before, but he doesn't care. He just says he doesn't mean to hurt me -- but it does. He has been talking about our becoming engaged lately, but I don't think I can marry a man who puts his sister before me. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- TIRED OF COMING IN SECOND IN S.C.

DEAR TIRED: Not in my opinion. Not knowing your boyfriend and/or his sister, nor having witnessed the dynamic between them, I am not in a position to note whether their closeness is excessive. However, because they seem to be unusually bonded, the woman who marries your boyfriend will have to be willing to accept a "package deal." And you don't appear to be that kind of person. Caveat emptor.

DEAR ABBY: Am I being old-fashioned to expect servers to bring me all the change due me when I pay my bill at a restaurant? Three times in the last few months, I have been shortchanged. The amounts are small, from a few cents to almost a dollar. It's not the amount that concerns me; it's the notion that it's the proper thing to do.

When I politely request the remainder of my change, I have been subjected to thinly disguised disdain and a rude reply. On one occasion, I was informed that the server didn't have the correct change, and then additional coins were dropped on the table. In every case, some mention was made of their expectation that I would include the shortage in their gratuity. I feel it's my money, and I'll decide how to leave the tip.

Am I living in the past by expecting correct change? -- MICHAEL IN CHELSEA, ALA.

DEAR MICHAEL: Heck no! The servers you describe are extremely presumptuous. You have every right to tell the server that you expect all the change that's coming to you, and you should inform the manager of the restaurant about what's going on. If the situation isn't corrected, you also have the right to take your business elsewhere. That's what I'd do.

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DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, when I was a divorced single father raising two adolescent children, we received an invitation to attend a wedding in Chicago. The bride's parents were cousins I hadn't seen or heard from in more than 20 years. The wedding coincided with the school break. I had accumulated vacation time at work and enough room on my charge cards to cover the cost of the expensive trip, so I replied that we would be glad to attend. I was excited to reconnect with the family and that my children would meet many of their relatives for the first time.

Boy, was I wrong!

The reception was held in the ballroom of an expensive hotel. Instead of being seated with my family, I was placed at a table on the opposite side of the huge ballroom. At the table were several couples and a few single women, all of whom seemed to know each other well. I felt somewhat out of place, but made light conversation, danced a few dances and tried to have a good time.

An aunt approached, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked me to join the family in a side room. When I entered, the men patted me on the shoulders and the women proceeded to tell me that the lady I had been seated next to had decided that I would be an acceptable husband for her! I was then told they would make all the wedding arrangements as quickly as possible.

At first I thought they were joking or that they had tasted too much of the bubbly. Then, in shock, I realized they were serious. I asked why they didn't consult me first. I made it plain I wasn't going to pull my kids out of school, away from their friends, sell my house, quit my job and throw away all our community relationships to move to a city halfway across the country, into an environment that was foreign to us, and marry a woman I had never met before. I told them the idea was insane and insulting.

They looked at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. I was told that because they had gone out of their way to arrange this match for me, my refusal was the height of selfishness and I was an ingrate. Angry, I took my children and left.

My children are now on their own, and I'm involved with a wonderful lady. We have been invited to a family gathering in Los Angeles, which will be attended by the group from Chicago. My lady friend has been pressing me to meet more of my family. I'm afraid to introduce her because I'm afraid she'll see how crazy my relatives are and reject me. What should I do? -- HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR HAPPY: Talk about good intentions run amok! Your letter is a first -- and believe me, I've seen some.

At first, I thought you and your family came from some other culture. Then I called you, just to make sure, and learned that you are third-generation American. It served to remind me that people need to be careful how hard they shake the family tree because it can cause the nuts to fall out.

Under no circumstances should you take your girlfriend to meet these relatives unless you first explain to her in detail what you have told me. Every family has a few eccentrics, and it probably won't bother her as much as it bothers you. But if these relatives are as you described, she needs to understand why she'll be getting a cool reception. Forewarned is forearmed.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)