DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding "Never the Bridesmaid" (5/14). Why "must" a female in a wedding party wear a dress? I stood proudly next to my best friend last year wearing a beautiful suit that I had made (with her blessing) in a color she picked. She made it clear from the time she asked me to stand with her that she had no intention of asking me to wear a dress because she knew it would have made me extremely uncomfortable. While this was easy in the small wedding party, I have also seen women wear pantsuits in other weddings. Not all women wear dresses, Abby. -- D.P. IN VERMONT

DEAR D.P.: You're right. Readers offered other "suit"able suggestions -- as well as encouraging advice -- to "Never." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My best friend had the same issues as "Never the Bridesmaid." I bought her a beautiful black satin tuxedo jumpsuit with white satin lapels. It was classic and lovely. Ten years later, she still wears it for formal occasions. You can't do that with most bridesmaids' dresses. -- WENDY'S BEST FRIEND

DEAR ABBY: I, too, am uncomfortable in dresses. I didn't even wear one for my own wedding. However, I have never regretted setting my feelings aside, hiding my misery and putting on a dress, hose and shoes to be in two of my best friends' weddings, as well as my brother's. I would like to encourage "Never" to remind herself that it's just a few hours in a lifetime on an occasion that will mean a lot to so many. -- DRESS REGISTER WITH NO REGRETS

DEAR ABBY: There are two occasions when I get into a dress no matter what: weddings and funerals. It's her brother's wedding, and they should not be catering to a bridesmaid. It is an honor to be a part of someone's wedding, especially a sibling's.

She should get over it for one day and wear the dress out of respect for her brother and the occasion. I did it for my best friend. Having to wear a dress you would prefer not to is just part of being a bridesmaid. She should step out of her comfort zone for an hour or two, smile, and help them have the wedding they want. Everyone will be watching the bride anyway. -- JESSICA IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My son was married last month and I could not have been prouder. His older sister is slightly disabled from a birth defect. Her left leg has no muscle and is about a third the size of the normal one. The tendon is short and she walks with a noticeable limp. Her left foot is also a size smaller than the right, and she cannot wear high heels. Because of this she has not worn a dress since she was a little girl. She is also extremely shy.

However, when her brother's fiancee invited her to be a bridesmaid she didn't hesitate to accept the honor. Seeing how she put aside her feelings to walk down that long aisle brimming with love for her brother is what made me proud.

Please tell "Never" to get over herself. The wedding isn't about her, and she shouldn't insult the couple by asking if she can do something else. She should choose NOT to be a miserable bridesmaid and bless their day. -- PROUD MOM IN S.F.

DEAR ABBY: My wedding was 20 years ago, and my husband's sister (who also didn't like dresses) was part of my wedding. She was not thrilled at the thought of wearing a bridesmaid's dress but wore one anyway because she loved her brother (and me). She passed away last September, and we treasure the memory we have of our sister -- not only in our hearts, but also in our wedding album. -- MISSING MY BRIDESMAID

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the single mom of a terrific 6-year-old boy. "Matthew" is smart, happy and generally makes good choices when given options. My problem? I'm terrified of the future.

I hear horror stories about kids who take drugs and the downward spiral their lives take. Matthew's father made poor choices regarding drugs and alcohol -- one of the many reasons I divorced him -- so my son is genetically predisposed to addiction. What is to stop him from accepting drugs from friends or acquaintances?

One of my parenting styles has been to let Matthew make choices and live with the consequences, hoping that the price he pays when he is young will be a lower one that when he gets older -- as long as he's not going to hurt himself or others.

If I explain that drugs and alcohol for kids aren't acceptable, in short, "forbidding it," he may rebel. I know he is only 6, but these fears keep me up at night.

Is there an established, proven course of action that parents can take starting at this age to help in the prevention of future horrors? -- SLEEPLESS IN THE HEARTLAND

DEAR SLEEPLESS: Yes, there is. The answer is clear, open communication and education. Talk consistently with your son about the fact that experimenting with drugs and alcohol can cause permanent damage to a young person's developing brain.

When he is a little older, add to that message the fact that it is especially important for him to avoid these things since he has a genetic predisposition to alcoholism that runs in the family. He needs to understand that you are not speaking "generally," but that, where others might have a margin for error, he does not.

Be sure to allow Matthew to communicate honestly with you without fear of punishment. If he is a bright child, he will heed the warning and understand that he can take his concerns to you regardless of the subject.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend is being married this summer to a man who is abusive. She is in denial about his extreme, sometimes violent, jealous and controlling behavior. Recently, he threw coffee in her face while she was driving and caused an accident. He blamed it all on her, and she accepted the blame.

He punches holes in the walls when they fight. Once he even broke a bone in his hand. He constantly accuses her of cheating, and when they're together, he watches her like a hawk and she won't leave his side.

She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am not comfortable with it because I would not be able to celebrate the occasion. Her fiance knows how I feel. He doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.

What should I tell her? In the past I told her that marrying him would be a big mistake, and she got very angry. Your advice would be appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR DEPRESSED: Your friend appears to be in for a rocky future. She's so desperate for a husband -- any husband -- that she's willing to settle for a control freak who didn't hesitate to put her life at risk.

Under the circumstances, you should not participate in the wedding. But do tell her that if this doesn't work out as she is hoping, you will help her form an escape plan, because the likelihood is that she is going to need one.

P.S. I don't blame you for being depressed. If she was my friend, I'd be depressed, too. However, until she's ready to face reality, there is nothing you can do.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gregg," and I have been married seven years. We have two children. Gregg was recently laid off, and after doing some research, we decided we'd like to move to Texas where my brother-in-law and his family live. There is more career opportunity for us there, and we have been actively researching careers and housing.

The problem is my father and stepmother are against us moving even two hours away, let alone halfway across the country. We have not told them of our plans yet, but even a casual mention of a long-distance move brought my father to anger and tears for fear that he won't see his only grandchildren and me. His wife made it worse, claiming I was "selfish" for wanting to move away.

Abby, my parents have made their life choices. They have settled down and are happy with their small-town life. How can I get them to understand that this is what we need to do without them making us feel guilty? -- CONFLICTED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR CONFLICTED: As long as you allow your father and stepmother to make you feel guilty, they'll use guilt to influence the decisions you make. Having a spouse who has been laid off and having difficulty finding employment is a compelling reason to make a move, particularly if there are greater opportunities somewhere else.

My advice to you is to make a list -- as long as possible -- of the advantages your children will have in a larger community, with better educational and cultural exposure, family members around their age they can interact and bond with, etc. Refer to it when your father and stepmother react as you know they will. Let them know they're welcome to visit as often as they get lonely for the little ones, then follow through with your plans.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a problem that is perplexing both of us.

I'm a bartender and work in a very upscale restaurant. A girl who works in my husband's office keeps insisting that she and my husband go on a "dinner date" to my restaurant. She thinks it would be cute for me to wait on them.

My husband has no interest in this girl other than professional and finds it annoying that she constantly pressures him to go on this "date." It has become a source of stress on him.

How can we let her know that this is really "trashy" and it's not going to happen? (She even offered to buy the dinner!) -- APPALLED IN ASTORIA, ORE.

DEAR APPALLED: Your husband's co-worker is either completely lacking in common sense or she has a geranium in her cranium. Continually asking someone on a "date" -- married or not -- is sexual harassment. Your husband should tell her that fact and ask her to drop the subject -- and if she doesn't, his employer should be informed so he/she, or the director of human resources, can put a stop to a possible lawsuit.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The object of life is not to be "happy." The object of life is to make society a better place in which to live. Every one of us has something to offer. In the words of G.B. Stern: "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)