DEAR ABBY: I am the single mom of a terrific 6-year-old boy. "Matthew" is smart, happy and generally makes good choices when given options. My problem? I'm terrified of the future.

I hear horror stories about kids who take drugs and the downward spiral their lives take. Matthew's father made poor choices regarding drugs and alcohol -- one of the many reasons I divorced him -- so my son is genetically predisposed to addiction. What is to stop him from accepting drugs from friends or acquaintances?

One of my parenting styles has been to let Matthew make choices and live with the consequences, hoping that the price he pays when he is young will be a lower one that when he gets older -- as long as he's not going to hurt himself or others.

If I explain that drugs and alcohol for kids aren't acceptable, in short, "forbidding it," he may rebel. I know he is only 6, but these fears keep me up at night.

Is there an established, proven course of action that parents can take starting at this age to help in the prevention of future horrors? -- SLEEPLESS IN THE HEARTLAND

DEAR SLEEPLESS: Yes, there is. The answer is clear, open communication and education. Talk consistently with your son about the fact that experimenting with drugs and alcohol can cause permanent damage to a young person's developing brain.

When he is a little older, add to that message the fact that it is especially important for him to avoid these things since he has a genetic predisposition to alcoholism that runs in the family. He needs to understand that you are not speaking "generally," but that, where others might have a margin for error, he does not.

Be sure to allow Matthew to communicate honestly with you without fear of punishment. If he is a bright child, he will heed the warning and understand that he can take his concerns to you regardless of the subject.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend is being married this summer to a man who is abusive. She is in denial about his extreme, sometimes violent, jealous and controlling behavior. Recently, he threw coffee in her face while she was driving and caused an accident. He blamed it all on her, and she accepted the blame.

He punches holes in the walls when they fight. Once he even broke a bone in his hand. He constantly accuses her of cheating, and when they're together, he watches her like a hawk and she won't leave his side.

She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am not comfortable with it because I would not be able to celebrate the occasion. Her fiance knows how I feel. He doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.

What should I tell her? In the past I told her that marrying him would be a big mistake, and she got very angry. Your advice would be appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR DEPRESSED: Your friend appears to be in for a rocky future. She's so desperate for a husband -- any husband -- that she's willing to settle for a control freak who didn't hesitate to put her life at risk.

Under the circumstances, you should not participate in the wedding. But do tell her that if this doesn't work out as she is hoping, you will help her form an escape plan, because the likelihood is that she is going to need one.

P.S. I don't blame you for being depressed. If she was my friend, I'd be depressed, too. However, until she's ready to face reality, there is nothing you can do.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gregg," and I have been married seven years. We have two children. Gregg was recently laid off, and after doing some research, we decided we'd like to move to Texas where my brother-in-law and his family live. There is more career opportunity for us there, and we have been actively researching careers and housing.

The problem is my father and stepmother are against us moving even two hours away, let alone halfway across the country. We have not told them of our plans yet, but even a casual mention of a long-distance move brought my father to anger and tears for fear that he won't see his only grandchildren and me. His wife made it worse, claiming I was "selfish" for wanting to move away.

Abby, my parents have made their life choices. They have settled down and are happy with their small-town life. How can I get them to understand that this is what we need to do without them making us feel guilty? -- CONFLICTED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR CONFLICTED: As long as you allow your father and stepmother to make you feel guilty, they'll use guilt to influence the decisions you make. Having a spouse who has been laid off and having difficulty finding employment is a compelling reason to make a move, particularly if there are greater opportunities somewhere else.

My advice to you is to make a list -- as long as possible -- of the advantages your children will have in a larger community, with better educational and cultural exposure, family members around their age they can interact and bond with, etc. Refer to it when your father and stepmother react as you know they will. Let them know they're welcome to visit as often as they get lonely for the little ones, then follow through with your plans.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a problem that is perplexing both of us.

I'm a bartender and work in a very upscale restaurant. A girl who works in my husband's office keeps insisting that she and my husband go on a "dinner date" to my restaurant. She thinks it would be cute for me to wait on them.

My husband has no interest in this girl other than professional and finds it annoying that she constantly pressures him to go on this "date." It has become a source of stress on him.

How can we let her know that this is really "trashy" and it's not going to happen? (She even offered to buy the dinner!) -- APPALLED IN ASTORIA, ORE.

DEAR APPALLED: Your husband's co-worker is either completely lacking in common sense or she has a geranium in her cranium. Continually asking someone on a "date" -- married or not -- is sexual harassment. Your husband should tell her that fact and ask her to drop the subject -- and if she doesn't, his employer should be informed so he/she, or the director of human resources, can put a stop to a possible lawsuit.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The object of life is not to be "happy." The object of life is to make society a better place in which to live. Every one of us has something to offer. In the words of G.B. Stern: "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer. It will be a fairly large wedding with 185 guests. My fiance's parents and grandparents are very supportive. The problem is my mother. She's an alcoholic.

When she drinks she can't stop, and usually becomes angry and belligerent. She will cause a scene and beg people for money. If she doesn't get exactly what she wants when she wants, she throws temper tantrums and has been known to become violent.

Mom has promised me she'll refrain from drinking at my reception, but neither my fiance nor I believe her. What are my options at this point? Should I allow her to come, with the risk that she'll ruin our big day? Or should I bar her from the reception?

Keep in mind that Mother was drunk during my entire high school graduation party. My friends and teachers who were there could see her bloodshot eyes and smell the alcohol on her breath. She was rude to everyone. I had a collage of their pictures on display, and she spent most of her time at the party coloring over their faces. It was the most embarrassing experience of my life. I am terrified of what she'll do at my reception. -- BRIDE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR BRIDE: You should not have to spend your wedding day worrying about what your mother might do. If you allow her to attend the ceremony with the understanding that she will not be able to drink at the reception, what is to prevent her from having a couple before the ceremony -- with all that that implies? The definition of the disease of alcoholism is that the sufferer cannot control his or her drinking.

Talk to your mother NOW. Explain that she will not be invited to your wedding and why. Alcoholics try to find reasons to celebrate by drinking, and your wedding would be too much of a temptation for someone who isn't already involved in an alcohol treatment program. And nowhere in your letter did you say that this woman has even attempted to help herself.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," and I have been together for 14 years. We were married for seven years, then divorced and got back together six months after we split. We remarried three-and-a-half years ago.

We have two beautiful children and are happily married this time around -- except for one thing. Jack says he wants me to go out and find a boyfriend. He says he wants me to be happy, that I am his entire world and he loves me so much he can't envision his life without me.

I have told Jack over and over that this wouldn't make me happy, that I'm happy just being with him. He continues to say the offer is there if I decide to take him up on it. He doesn't seem to get that this is HIS fantasy -- not mine. I am deeply hurt that he would want to put me out there like that. I feel as though he doesn't really care about me and that he's only concerned about how he feels and what turns him on.

Why would he want me to be with other men if he feels the way he says he does about me? -- CONFUSED AND HURT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED AND HURT: A couple of thoughts come to mind. Your husband may want an open marriage, and this is his way of opening the door to one. He could also be insecure about his ability to satisfy you. However, the surest way to find the answers you're seeking is in the office of a marriage counselor. Please don't wait any longer to consult one.

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