DEAR ABBY: I met my best friend, "Chanelle," a hairstylist, 20 years ago when she worked in a beauty salon and I was a walk-in client. We hit it off immediately. She has been doing my hair ever since, and I have referred clients to her over the years.

About 10 years ago, Chanelle began working full-time in her family's business, but continued hairstyling on the side -- first in a salon, now from her home. Over the past three years, I have become increasingly unhappy with her haircuts and color. I expressed it to Chanelle, but she didn't really respond. (Example: I want red hair, but when I asked for more red, she made it darker and darker. Now it looks auburn in daylight.)

I was recently out of town and took the opportunity to make an appointment at a well-known salon. The stylist there informed me that no one has had a hairstyle like mine in 10 years. She also gave me the color I had been trying to get from Chanelle for the last three years. I had her write down the formula and gave it to Chanelle when I got home.

I recently went for a cut and color, expecting that Chanelle would use the formula I had given her. Instead, she informed me that she had thrown it away because she is a "colorist" and can match colors on sight. Needless to say, the color is not what I wanted. When I told her that, she told me the lighting in her home is different and that it would look right outside. I called her again from home to say it didn't. All she said was it would fade over time.

I made an appointment at a salon today to get the color I want. Obviously, I don't want to go back to Chanelle. She hasn't taken a class in 10 years, and she has been shining me on. How do I tell her without ruining our friendship? I should add that she was hypercritical of the cut I got on my trip, which is actually the best haircut I've had in three years. -- BAD HAIR DECADE

DEAR BAD HAIR DECADE: The question isn't whether you are being a "bad friend" by patronizing another hairstylist. It's whether Chanelle has been insensitive to you and your needs. Tell her you love her, but you have decided it's time to update your look so she won't be seeing you "professionally" for a while -- but "how about dinner and a movie next Friday?"

Believe me, it won't be the first time a hairdresser (or former hairdresser) has heard it. It goes with the territory. If she's really your friend, she'll understand.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do. My friend "Joe" and I are in sixth grade. We have been friends since the beginning of this year. His friend, "Sierra," and her friends go to parties where everyone drinks and smokes.

I'm really worried about Sierra, especially because she doesn't listen to Joe when he asks her to stop. How can I get her and her friends to stop going to these parties? What should I do? -- UPSET IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR UPSET: It's clear that Joe's friend Sierra and the crowd she's running with have parents who don't look out for them. That's a shame, because they are headed for serious trouble if they continue on the path they're on.

It's time to face the fact that Sierra isn't going to stop without adult supervision. This isn't something you or Joe can handle by yourselves, so tell your mother and tell a teacher or counselor at school whom you trust. The time has come for the topic of alcohol abuse to be discussed in your classroom. Underage drinking is not harmless fun, and can have lasting effects.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Young Mom in Oklahoma" (May 7), who wrote asking if it was OK to discipline her 4-year-old by smashing his toys with a hammer. Your response was appropriate. However, that mother should be encouraged to attend parenting classes or speak to her son's pediatrician regarding her problem with how to discipline her son. I am very concerned for the child's well-being if she even has to ask if it's OK to smash his toys with a hammer. -- A MOM WHO CARES

DEAR MOM: You were not the only person to suggest that "Young Mom" attend parenting classes. I heard from other parents and child-care professionals who were appalled at her behavior. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a student and researcher in psychology, I've come to learn that the only way time-outs work is if the parent uses "time-in." This is time in which the parent engages in positive physical contact with the child (such as a pat on the head, a hug or a high-five). Being in the room with the child while the child plays and engaging in conversations with the child during play are other important parts of time-in.

Time-out then becomes a punishment because you are taking the child away from the positive and loving environment you created using time-in. Because the child finds time-in rewarding, he/she will not want to experience time-out and thus will stop the negative behavior. -- GRADUATE STUDENT IN PSYCHOLOGY

DEAR ABBY: I feel for "Young Mom in Oklahoma," but don't see how smashing a 4-year-old's toys will have any effect other than instilling violent behavior in her son. Parents should not try to intimidate their children, but rather help them find solutions and/or ways to make better decisions.

As a child development associate, I have been trained in positive discipline. It is a wonderful tool for parents, and many classes are offered nationwide. --- OFFERING ALTERNATIVES IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: You were on the mark about not smashing the 4-year-old's toys in front of him, but I think giving away a child's toys at his age is quite harsh. For goodness' sake, this is a 4-year-old, and he will have his moments and meltdowns. Removing a toy with the promise of returning it with GOOD behavior is a far more positive reinforcement. -- OLDER MOM IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ABBY: I took all my daughter's toys out of her room and made her earn them back with good behavior. This may seem drastic, but it worked well. She is now 5, and she's great. All the sassy acting-up she did before is gone. (She also has a newfound respect for her toys.)

P.S. I really liked your advice about giving the toys to charity. Some toys my daughter didn't want to earn back, and we let her take them to Goodwill. It was a positive learning experience for her. -- BEEN THROUGH IT IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: I was an extremely disobedient child (later diagnosed with ADHD), so my parents set up a token system. For every good thing I did, I got a token. Disorderly conduct resulted in tokens being removed from the jar.

There were prizes that could be earned with a certain number of tokens. The prizes included going to the movies with my parents, going to lunch with them and various other activities with them. The key was that the prizes were not material, but based on my relationship with my parents. -- JENNIFER IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIF.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

Unfortunately, Amanda disagrees. Because they have all matching outfits and share a room, Amanda just waits until Alicia gets dressed and puts on the same outfit. This results in arguments every morning.

Amanda suggested what I thought was a fair compromise: They would dress alike on alternate days. However, Alicia insists that if she wants to dress differently, she should be able to do so every day. What would you recommend? -- TWINS' MOM IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR TWINS' MOM: Let me share a page from my family album. My mother, Pauline Esther, and my aunt, Esther Pauline, were identical twins. They dressed in identical outfits and shared the same bed until their double wedding. They looked so much alike that when they would double date, they would switch dates in the middle of the evening and no one was the wiser.

My mother loved being an identical twin and regarded "twinning" as an asset. My aunt, on the other hand, yearned to be regarded as an individual.

I had always viewed twinship through my mother's rose-colored glasses until I read an eye-opening article my aunt had written for Twins magazine. In it, she expressed how important she felt it was for siblings who, by chance, had been born together be allowed to develop as the individuals they actually were.

In other words, although your daughters came in "one package," they were not joined at the hip physically or as personalities. If Alicia wishes to develop her individuality, she should certainly be allowed to do so. And consider this: Amanda may be so invested in her twinship that she is failing to do that -- which is unhealthy.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Bob" for almost 10 years. We recently moved 2,000 miles away from our families. My sister, "Lara," has been staying in our second bedroom because she has been down on her luck for a while.

Bob's mother and sister plan to visit us soon. Bob says Lara would be in the way of their visit. Bob thinks we should put Lara in a hotel room when they come. When he said it, it caught me by surprise.

I am very hurt by this. I haven't mentioned anything to Lara or said anything to Bob about how I feel. But I think he is being cruel and insensitive. Help! -- TORN BETWEEN FAMILIES

DEAR TORN: You and Bob need to talk. You have a bigger problem brewing than hurt feelings about the coming visit. You and Bob need to reach an understanding about how long Lara will be occupying your guest room -- period.

Bob would like to entertain his family as well as yours on a more equal basis. That is neither cruel nor insensitive. As things stand, it would be impractical to move your sister to a hotel -- particularly if all her belongings are in your guest room. Therefore, during this visit, Bob's mother and sister should stay in a hotel. However, there should be a definite move-out date for your sister. Fair is fair.

CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 89th birthday to the sweetest mother in the world. The most beautiful fireworks display in the sky tonight will be for you.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)