DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Young Mom in Oklahoma" (May 7), who wrote asking if it was OK to discipline her 4-year-old by smashing his toys with a hammer. Your response was appropriate. However, that mother should be encouraged to attend parenting classes or speak to her son's pediatrician regarding her problem with how to discipline her son. I am very concerned for the child's well-being if she even has to ask if it's OK to smash his toys with a hammer. -- A MOM WHO CARES

DEAR MOM: You were not the only person to suggest that "Young Mom" attend parenting classes. I heard from other parents and child-care professionals who were appalled at her behavior. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a student and researcher in psychology, I've come to learn that the only way time-outs work is if the parent uses "time-in." This is time in which the parent engages in positive physical contact with the child (such as a pat on the head, a hug or a high-five). Being in the room with the child while the child plays and engaging in conversations with the child during play are other important parts of time-in.

Time-out then becomes a punishment because you are taking the child away from the positive and loving environment you created using time-in. Because the child finds time-in rewarding, he/she will not want to experience time-out and thus will stop the negative behavior. -- GRADUATE STUDENT IN PSYCHOLOGY

DEAR ABBY: I feel for "Young Mom in Oklahoma," but don't see how smashing a 4-year-old's toys will have any effect other than instilling violent behavior in her son. Parents should not try to intimidate their children, but rather help them find solutions and/or ways to make better decisions.

As a child development associate, I have been trained in positive discipline. It is a wonderful tool for parents, and many classes are offered nationwide. --- OFFERING ALTERNATIVES IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: You were on the mark about not smashing the 4-year-old's toys in front of him, but I think giving away a child's toys at his age is quite harsh. For goodness' sake, this is a 4-year-old, and he will have his moments and meltdowns. Removing a toy with the promise of returning it with GOOD behavior is a far more positive reinforcement. -- OLDER MOM IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ABBY: I took all my daughter's toys out of her room and made her earn them back with good behavior. This may seem drastic, but it worked well. She is now 5, and she's great. All the sassy acting-up she did before is gone. (She also has a newfound respect for her toys.)

P.S. I really liked your advice about giving the toys to charity. Some toys my daughter didn't want to earn back, and we let her take them to Goodwill. It was a positive learning experience for her. -- BEEN THROUGH IT IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: I was an extremely disobedient child (later diagnosed with ADHD), so my parents set up a token system. For every good thing I did, I got a token. Disorderly conduct resulted in tokens being removed from the jar.

There were prizes that could be earned with a certain number of tokens. The prizes included going to the movies with my parents, going to lunch with them and various other activities with them. The key was that the prizes were not material, but based on my relationship with my parents. -- JENNIFER IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIF.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

Unfortunately, Amanda disagrees. Because they have all matching outfits and share a room, Amanda just waits until Alicia gets dressed and puts on the same outfit. This results in arguments every morning.

Amanda suggested what I thought was a fair compromise: They would dress alike on alternate days. However, Alicia insists that if she wants to dress differently, she should be able to do so every day. What would you recommend? -- TWINS' MOM IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR TWINS' MOM: Let me share a page from my family album. My mother, Pauline Esther, and my aunt, Esther Pauline, were identical twins. They dressed in identical outfits and shared the same bed until their double wedding. They looked so much alike that when they would double date, they would switch dates in the middle of the evening and no one was the wiser.

My mother loved being an identical twin and regarded "twinning" as an asset. My aunt, on the other hand, yearned to be regarded as an individual.

I had always viewed twinship through my mother's rose-colored glasses until I read an eye-opening article my aunt had written for Twins magazine. In it, she expressed how important she felt it was for siblings who, by chance, had been born together be allowed to develop as the individuals they actually were.

In other words, although your daughters came in "one package," they were not joined at the hip physically or as personalities. If Alicia wishes to develop her individuality, she should certainly be allowed to do so. And consider this: Amanda may be so invested in her twinship that she is failing to do that -- which is unhealthy.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Bob" for almost 10 years. We recently moved 2,000 miles away from our families. My sister, "Lara," has been staying in our second bedroom because she has been down on her luck for a while.

Bob's mother and sister plan to visit us soon. Bob says Lara would be in the way of their visit. Bob thinks we should put Lara in a hotel room when they come. When he said it, it caught me by surprise.

I am very hurt by this. I haven't mentioned anything to Lara or said anything to Bob about how I feel. But I think he is being cruel and insensitive. Help! -- TORN BETWEEN FAMILIES

DEAR TORN: You and Bob need to talk. You have a bigger problem brewing than hurt feelings about the coming visit. You and Bob need to reach an understanding about how long Lara will be occupying your guest room -- period.

Bob would like to entertain his family as well as yours on a more equal basis. That is neither cruel nor insensitive. As things stand, it would be impractical to move your sister to a hotel -- particularly if all her belongings are in your guest room. Therefore, during this visit, Bob's mother and sister should stay in a hotel. However, there should be a definite move-out date for your sister. Fair is fair.

CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 89th birthday to the sweetest mother in the world. The most beautiful fireworks display in the sky tonight will be for you.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a former junior high and high school teacher. I do not agree with your advice to "Deflowered in Pennsylvania" (May 2), the 28-year-old who made some "poor choices" as a teenager and is no longer a virgin. She is dating "Chris," a 26-year-old man who is saving himself for marriage and wants to marry a virgin. You told her that because Chris needs time to think about this discrepancy, she should move on.

Abby, the young woman explained that after a religious conversion, she is now saving future sexual activity for marriage. She should not feel devalued. Chris' response was honest. She needs to allow him to grow and reassess how he treats the value they both agree on -- that sex is for marriage.

Remember, Chris said he still likes her and wants to continue dating her. That makes him the one who has opted for no change in the relationship. "Deflowered" should stress to him that she has become that "sweet old-fashioned girl" who upholds traditional values, and that her conversion has helped her to understand the consequences of uncommitted sex. If Chris can broaden his thinking, they might make a great couple. -- SWEET OLD GIRL

DEAR SWEET OLD GIRL: Passions raged in the responses I received about that letter. Many readers felt as you do, that the couple has more in common than they realize and should stay together.

Others thought the issue would irrevocably tarnish the relationship. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Virginity is not an easy commitment to keep, and it's not surprising that Chris needs time to think about what "Deflowered" has told him. No doubt he has consoled himself in difficult times with the thought of giving his beloved the gift of his virginity and having her give him the same gift. Finding himself in love with someone who doesn't exactly fit that ideal would be a big adjustment.

They should seek the advice of a pastor or counselor who shares their faith. Chris may be able to see that, today, "Deflowered" is the woman of his dreams, even if she isn't the personification of his boyhood dreams of years ago. -- KATHY IN COLORADO

DEAR ABBY: People don't make a fuss if someone says they want a partner with the same education or background, so why take Chris to task for having standards? It is not his fault that while he chose to save himself, she did not make the same choice.

Everyone has a right to their own principles in a relationship. That young man should be applauded for holding himself to the same standard he expects from a future wife. If more people were similarly committed to their future relationships, we'd have fewer divorces and know more about our spouses before marriage. -- HOLDING OUT FOR MISS RIGHT

DEAR ABBY: I don't agree that the values of the two young people are so different. Perhaps "Deflowered" made a one-time mistake on her prom night or on a high school drinking binge. She was young and made a mistake. Cut her some slack! If Chris truly is marriage material, he will too.

I lost my virginity when I was 14. Twenty years later, I married a 33-year-old virgin. We couldn't be happier. -- G.B. IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ABBY: I am also 28, and until recently I was like Chris. I wanted my first time to be on my wedding night. That's a beautiful ideal, and I applaud anyone who continues to keep it. But I also think we have to allow ourselves to be human and to change.

People are not "devalued" because they have lost their virginity. On the contrary, I feel enriched and blessed. I waited until I knew I was ready, and it felt right. My partner has taken excellent emotional care of me in all my "firsts" with him, and I will never, for one instant, regret a moment of the time we have had together. -- LISA IN THE MIDWEST

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)