DEAR ABBY: I am a professional costume wearer. By that, I mean I have been an elf, a giraffe, a moose, T-Rex and a character for a major hamburger chain. I am presently a character for a major cereal company. Once I am in costume, I am not allowed to speak.

Adults and older children think nothing of hitting me, kicking me, pulling at parts of my costume, and trying to knock me down. One 12-year-old even tried to "head butt" me while his father looked on and encouraged him!

I am in costume for about an hour or so before I can take breaks. It gets hot and sweaty inside these costumes. I have a limited field of vision and can't see many of the oncoming attacks. Even if I saw each one, I would not be able to say anything to stop or deflect these random attacks. What I do is have a paid "helper" walk beside me. This is now discouraging such actions by adults and children.

I would ask parents to please remember that there are real people inside these costumes, which are not heavily padded. I feel each and every hit and kick as if I were wearing street clothes. Thanks for printing this. -- H.S. IN COLORADO

DEAR H.S.: You have my sympathy, and I am seconding your request. That a parent would encourage such poor behavior incenses me. You should not have had to hire a "bodyguard" to protect you.

I find it interesting, however, that the children who are acting out against you do not regard you as another human being. It seems they have mistaken you for the same kind of cartoon character they see on television -- probably too much television -- against whom violence is committed with no repercussions. (I'm reminded of the "Mr. Bill" character that was once featured on "Saturday Night Live.")

One of my assistants, who has occasionally dressed as a chimp in her work as a docent at the L.A. Zoo, tells me that this is one of the hazards in your line of work. Call me humorless, but to me, assault and battery are criminal behaviors -- and if someone I cared about were subjected to it, I would be very concerned.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you will print this as a favor to recent college graduates.

The proper way to obtain a reference for a prospective job employer is to first ask permission from the person you want to recommend you.

Had my friend's daughter done that, I would have told her honestly that her lack of discipline and integrity would be a hindrance in getting this job. The form I received from the employer asked, "Would you hire this person?" I had to say no.

Never "surprise" anyone by giving their name as a referral. Always ask first. -- PUT ON THE SPOT IN HOUSTON

DEAR PUT ON THE SPOT: That's good advice -- and I'm pleased to pass it along. What your friend's daughter did was presumptuous. And if you had lied for her, and the young woman did not work out because of discipline or integrity issues -- the person who would have lost credibility would have been you.

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter, "Laurel," was given a surprise party (friends, snacks, movie -- nothing big, but a very nice gesture) in celebration of her no longer needing crutches. (Laurel had had surgery and had been on crutches for six weeks.)

At the end of the night, the host's mother handed Laurel a few gifts that friends had left for her. The cards indicated that they thought this was a birthday party. The gifts were substantial -- a Coach wristlet, $25 gift cards, etc. Her surprise party had been organized by her friend, also a 13-year-old, but apparently he failed to tell everyone who was invited that it wasn't a birthday party and there was no need for gifts.

What should Laurel do with the gifts? This is very awkward, and I'm not sure how to handle it. What is the procedure for receiving gifts for the wrong reason?

Laurel received gifts from three of the 15 guests; the party was last night and my daughter must respond to the situation ASAP -- whether it be with a thank-you note, a phone call, etc. Please help us. -- LAUREL'S MOM IN N.J.

DEAR LAUREL'S MOM: Your daughter should call the friends who gave her gifts thinking it was her birthday and thank them, but she should also offer to return the items because it wasn't her birthday and the party was not a gift-giving occasion. It's possible that Laurel will be told to just keep them, in which case a thank-you note would be in order. She should also write a gracious thank-you note to the friend who threw her the party.

DEAR ABBY: I am recently separated from my husband of nine years, "Carl." We live in a small suburb, and are both very involved in our community. Several of our mutual friends have taken it upon themselves to give me a running commentary on what Carl is doing, where they saw him, who he was with, etc. I am sure they do the same to him.

Abby, I really have no desire to get daily updates on Carl or his whereabouts. How can I politely let our friends know I'd rather not hear their stories? -- HAD IT IN HUMBLE, TEXAS

DEAR HAD IT: The next time someone brings up the subject of your soon-to-be-ex, say, "Stop! That is a closed chapter, and I'd prefer not to hear any more information about Carl and what he's up to." If they are true friends, they will respect your wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I am recently separated from my husband of nine years, "Carl." We live in a small suburb, and are both very involved in our community. Several of our mutual friends have taken it upon themselves to give me a running commentary on what Carl is doing, where they saw him, who he was with, etc. I am sure they do the same to him.

Abby, I really have no desire to get daily updates on Carl or his whereabouts. How can I politely let our friends know I'd rather not hear their stories? -- HAD IT IN HUMBLE, TEXAS

DEAR HAD IT: The next time someone brings up the subject of your soon-to-be-ex, say, "Stop! That is a closed chapter, and I'd prefer not to hear any more information about Carl and what he's up to." If they are true friends, they will respect your wishes.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-year-old male who has been divorced for the last five years. I am considering trying marriage again, but am somewhat concerned about the impotence problem I have had for some time.

I have consulted many doctors and have taken many tests, but they all came out OK -- so I decided to try Viagra. It has been working great.

Should I be upfront about my medical condition if and when I propose marriage, or should I wait until after we're married? It is extremely embarrassing to talk about this to anyone, let alone a woman who might become my wife. -- UNCERTAIN IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.

DEAR UNCERTAIN: You should absolutely disclose any medical condition that could affect your marriage before you are married. Not to do so could be considered fraud. If the woman loves you, she will accept you just as you are.

However, when the time comes, it might be beneficial for you and your prospective fiancee to pay a visit to your physician together. It's possible that your impotence may have been linked to the fact that your marriage didn't work, and has nothing to do with your ability to perform without the little blue pills.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my fiance to leukemia. He was only 27. I have noticed that the first words of comfort offered to me by people are, "You're young and pretty. You'll find someone again." Abby, my fiance has been gone only four months. Several people said that to me at his funeral and wake!

I understand the thought behind those words -- that my life will not end because his did. But it was extremely inappropriate to hear something like that so soon after his death. I know I will eventually feel like dating again, but right now his loss is still too recent and painful.

How should I respond to people who say that? Please help me get the word out that this is no comfort so soon after someone's partner passes away. -- STILL MOURNING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STILL MOURNING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your sentiments have been repeated by others who have also suffered a loss.

For some reason, when there is a death, people feel they must say something to "fix" it -- as if anything that could be said would make the pain go away.

Folks: The appropriate way to extend condolences is the simplest. Just repeat the first sentence of my answer. Period! That's all! And do not ask questions about the cause of death. And when someone offers you condolences -- a simple thank you is enough. Then, unless you wish to talk about it, change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a friend's home for dinner. We brought a lovely plant as a thank-you gift. When we arrived at her house, she said she had forgotten she had invited us for that night. We talked in her driveway for a few minutes, and I handed her the plant as we left. My question is, what was the correct thing to do? Should we have let her have the plant or taken it back home with us? -- PERPLEXED IN MCCLEARY, WASH.

DEAR PERPLEXED: You didn't mention how old this friend is, but she appears to be disorganized, overscheduled or suffering from mind-cognitive impairment. Although there are no rules of etiquette that dictated it, you were nice to leave the plant with her. Perhaps it will serve as a reminder to reschedule the dinner.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)