DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-year-old male who has been divorced for the last five years. I am considering trying marriage again, but am somewhat concerned about the impotence problem I have had for some time.

I have consulted many doctors and have taken many tests, but they all came out OK -- so I decided to try Viagra. It has been working great.

Should I be upfront about my medical condition if and when I propose marriage, or should I wait until after we're married? It is extremely embarrassing to talk about this to anyone, let alone a woman who might become my wife. -- UNCERTAIN IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.

DEAR UNCERTAIN: You should absolutely disclose any medical condition that could affect your marriage before you are married. Not to do so could be considered fraud. If the woman loves you, she will accept you just as you are.

However, when the time comes, it might be beneficial for you and your prospective fiancee to pay a visit to your physician together. It's possible that your impotence may have been linked to the fact that your marriage didn't work, and has nothing to do with your ability to perform without the little blue pills.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my fiance to leukemia. He was only 27. I have noticed that the first words of comfort offered to me by people are, "You're young and pretty. You'll find someone again." Abby, my fiance has been gone only four months. Several people said that to me at his funeral and wake!

I understand the thought behind those words -- that my life will not end because his did. But it was extremely inappropriate to hear something like that so soon after his death. I know I will eventually feel like dating again, but right now his loss is still too recent and painful.

How should I respond to people who say that? Please help me get the word out that this is no comfort so soon after someone's partner passes away. -- STILL MOURNING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STILL MOURNING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your sentiments have been repeated by others who have also suffered a loss.

For some reason, when there is a death, people feel they must say something to "fix" it -- as if anything that could be said would make the pain go away.

Folks: The appropriate way to extend condolences is the simplest. Just repeat the first sentence of my answer. Period! That's all! And do not ask questions about the cause of death. And when someone offers you condolences -- a simple thank you is enough. Then, unless you wish to talk about it, change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my fiance to leukemia. He was only 27. I have noticed that the first words of comfort offered to me by people are, "You're young and pretty. You'll find someone again." Abby, my fiance has been gone only four months. Several people said that to me at his funeral and wake!

I understand the thought behind those words -- that my life will not end because his did. But it was extremely inappropriate to hear something like that so soon after his death. I know I will eventually feel like dating again, but right now his loss is still too recent and painful.

How should I respond to people who say that? Please help me get the word out that this is no comfort so soon after someone's partner passes away. -- STILL MOURNING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STILL MOURNING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your sentiments have been repeated by others who have also suffered a loss.

For some reason, when there is a death, people feel they must say something to "fix" it -- as if anything that could be said would make the pain go away.

Folks: The appropriate way to extend condolences is the simplest. Just repeat the first sentence of my answer. Period! That's all! And do not ask questions about the cause of death. And when someone offers you condolences -- a simple thank you is enough. Then, unless you wish to talk about it, change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a friend's home for dinner. We brought a lovely plant as a thank-you gift. When we arrived at her house, she said she had forgotten she had invited us for that night. We talked in her driveway for a few minutes, and I handed her the plant as we left. My question is, what was the correct thing to do? Should we have let her have the plant or taken it back home with us? -- PERPLEXED IN MCCLEARY, WASH.

DEAR PERPLEXED: You didn't mention how old this friend is, but she appears to be disorganized, overscheduled or suffering from mind-cognitive impairment. Although there are no rules of etiquette that dictated it, you were nice to leave the plant with her. Perhaps it will serve as a reminder to reschedule the dinner.

DEAR ABBY: "Pregnant and Paranoid in Calif." (May 6) is rightfully troubled by the unwanted touching of her abdomen by strangers. When they do it, she should back away and gently remind them that it makes her uncomfortable. What she needs to know is that touching a woman's belly is a deeply rooted instinctual behavior. It is as natural as pulling your hand away from a fire. -- GAYLE FROM SCOTTS, MICH.

DEAR GAYLE: My mail was divided on this. Some readers agreed with "Pregnant and Paranoid," and others felt she needed to "chill out." Others suspected that she might be advertising her pregnancy by the type of maternity clothes she was wearing. A few of the responses gave me a belly laugh. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In my culture (Hispanic), it is considered good luck to touch something you admire so that no harm comes to it. I'm sure no one intends to offend the expectant mother. In fact, it's thought to be positive karma (mojo). On the flip side, she can always say, "My tummy is like the Museum of Fine Art: Look, but don't touch." It's cute and will get her point across. -- ANGELICA IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: The fascination with a pregnant belly probably has ancient cultural origins. It was local custom in the Philippines for a pregnant woman to take the hand of a handsome man or beautiful woman and place it on her own budding abdomen, hoping to transfer those traits to her incubating child.

She should relax and enjoy a little gratuitous physical contact; some people have to pay big money for it -- like with massage or chiropractic. -- "WILL" ZAHAN, M.D., CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: When I was pregnant, I was treated like a queen. People opened doors for me, helped me with bags, acted as traffic guards as I crossed the street, and yes, patted my belly. It helped me realize that a pregnant woman carries an important "package," not just for her family but for the whole community. Children are a precious gift for all humanity, and I think that's why people feel warmed by the sight of a pregnant woman and reach out to give an encouraging rub. -- LOVED BEING PREGNANT (PATS AND ALL) IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: Does "Pregnant and Paranoid" wear today's ridiculously tight clothing that is so in now? The clothing that I have seen pregnant women wear advertises their protruding bellies and, in my opinion, encourages people to notice and admire their bellies, implying there's an open invitation to touch them. -- OLD-FASHIONED GRANDMA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: A modest top that hides the baby-belly sends the message, "This baby is my private business" and will not attract the kind of unwanted attention that "Pregnant and Paranoid" described. -- HANA IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I went through three pregnancies in 2 1/2 years, and I got sick and tired of complete strangers putting their hands on me.

To avoid it during my second pregnancy, I had a few T-shirts made. They read: "This is not public property." "Touch my belly and I get to touch yours." "Sure you can feel the baby. It'll cost you a dollar!" It got my point across without my having to be rude or confrontational. -- PROUD MOM IN WICHITA

DEAR ABBY: My favorite maternity T-shirt slogan is one I saw online -- "If you didn't put it here, don't touch it!" -- 22 WEEKS PREGNANT IN SEATTLE

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old virgin, and I have never been to a gynecologist. My regular doctor said I should make an appointment to see one. That was a year or so ago. She said it was to "make sure everything was OK."

I have made the appointments, but each time, I chicken out at the last minute and cancel because I have heard that a Pap test is done and it is painful. My best friend said she cried when she had hers done. She said it hurt really bad.

I had anxiety that was really bad two years ago because of big changes in my life. Three of my uncles and two of my cousins died within months of each other. I don't want my anxiety to flare up again. Little things make me anxious, and I am thinking this might trigger an episode.

Should a woman see a gynecologist even if she is not sexually active? Also, do you bleed after a Pap test is done? Thanks, Abby! -- SCARED IN BROOKLYN

DEAR SCARED: A woman should be seen by a gynecologist if she is sexually active, or if she has reached the age of 18. She should DEFINITELY see one if her regular doctor tells her to -- so please start acting like the 33-year-old adult you are and stop listening to "horror stories" from friends. Pap smears are not painful, and women do not normally bleed after having one.

When you arrive at the gynecologist's office, a medical history will be taken -- at which time you should inform the doctor (or nurse) that you are not sexually active. Accommodations will be made for that. You will not be hurt, and everything will be fine. Now get moving, and no more excuses!

DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl in sixth grade. My problem is there's this girl, "Stacey," who is in Special Ed who gets picked on every day. My friends pick on her a lot, and it makes me disgusted because Stacey doesn't have any control over how she was born.

Today, my friends and I were playing a game to see who could get the most hugs, and I went up to Stacey who was sitting outside alone like always and gave her a hug. Then my friends started giving her hugs, and it made me so happy to see the look on her face! She was smiling with pure joy.

Abby, if you put this in your column, could you tell people that just giving a hug to someone who doesn't normally get one might make their day? Also, can you tell me how to get my friends to stop bullying her? Thanks a lot! -- HUGS ANONYMOUS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR HUGS ANONYMOUS: You are a wise young lady and sensitive beyond your years. The comment you made about Stacey not having control over how she was born is right on target. It also applies to people's race, religion and gender -- other reasons why people face discrimination.

One way to get your friends to stop bullying Stacey would be to speak out and say that it isn't funny when she is being picked on, and to point out that what they're doing is cowardly and wrong and makes you uncomfortable. You are a born leader, and if enough people follow your lead, the bullying will stop.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter says that if someone seasons a dish she has prepared, it is an insult to her. I say that as the hostess, she should graciously ignore it. Who is right? -- FAITHFUL READER, TATUM, TEXAS

DEAR FAITHFUL READER: If a guest seasons a dish that his/her hostess has prepared before tasting it, then I would consider the gesture to be insulting. However, if the guest has tasted it, I see nothing wrong with adding salt or pepper to accommodate that person's personal preference. Not everyone has the same taste -- and that's why salt and pepper shakers are placed on the table.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)