DEAR ABBY: I was married to my childhood sweetheart, "Dexter," for 13 years. Only the first five were happy. The rest were spent trying to adjust to his alcoholism and make excuses for why he drinks.

We have two children, 12 and 10, whom I love dearly. I finally made the decision to leave when I realized what a poor example Dexter was setting for them.

The problem is, he continually harasses me. He calls constantly and drops over to my apartment without calling. When the kids see their father, they just let him in. If I'm not home, Dexter questions them about who they have seen me with and whatever other information he can pry out of them. My son asks me if it's OK, or what he should say. I have nothing to hide and am not seeing anyone. I told him it's wrong of his father to ask, but if he does then to be honest.

I love Dexter, but I'm so tired and emotionally drained I don't know what to do. I feel this tremendous responsibility for him, and I don't know where it comes from. He was always the dominant one in our relationship. I never even decorated our home because he picked everything out on the pretense of "surprising" me.

I give Dexter money when he asks for it, even though I have the children and he isn't supporting us. I'm in the process of filing for child support, but feel guilty doing it -- like he is going to suffer because I'll be taking money from him. He has a full-time job, so there's no reason why he shouldn't take care of our children. Why do I feel like I'm abandoning him? -- LOUISE IN DES MOINES

DEAR LOUISE: That's a healthy question. Now, let me hazard a guess. It's because in order to stay with Dexter, you became his co-dependent enabler. By leaving him, you have taken a giant step toward normalcy for yourself and your children -- and on some level that may feel "selfish" to you right now. In doing so, you have forced him to face up to the fact that he has a serious problem. And that was a favor, not "abandonment."

Although you feel "tired and emotionally drained," please make the time to find an Al-Anon group and attend some meetings. There you will learn that the only person who can save your husband from the consequences of his actions is him.

And as soon as your children are old enough, they should attend some Alateen meetings. (Check your local phone book for listings.) This will help them cope with their father's manipulative and controlling behavior, and you as well.

Dexter should not be in your apartment in your absence, pressing the children to spy for him. It's unhealthy for all of you.

DEAR ABBY: My name is Christian. I am 10 years old and in the fifth grade. I want to know why jeans are called a "pair." A pair is like a pair of socks or a pair of gloves. But jeans are only one piece of clothing. Unless you cut the jeans in half and still wear it. THEN you could call it a pair -- which could be embarrassing. Please let me know. -- CHRISTIAN IN BLYTHEWOOD, S.C.

DEAR CHRISTIAN: I have been asked in the past why people call trousers "a pair of pants." Technically, a "pant" is the leg of a garment. Two pants (legs) make up a "pair" of pants. Got it? I suspect that "pair of jeans" evolved from "pair of pants."

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DEAR ABBY: I teach aspiring elementary school teachers in a credential program in California. The family of one of my students came up with a great way to celebrate her graduation from the program and help her prepare for her new career as a teacher. They threw her a "teacher shower."

To help her start her classroom library, each guest brought a hardback copy of his/her favorite children's book. She was also given baskets of teacher supplies such as Sharpie pens, Post-Its, stickers and colored paper for the school copier.

Other gift ideas are class sets of small white-boards with markers, board games, membership to teachers' organizations like the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics and the National Council of Teachers of English, subscriptions to children's and teachers' magazines, art supplies, a museum membership, P.E. equipment like balls and jump ropes, etc.

I know the shower meant a lot to my student, and in states like California, where teachers often spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars of their own money for classroom supplies, throwing a teacher shower can be a terrific way for families and friends to show their support for the new teacher and for education in general. I hope you will print this, Abby, to help spread the idea of teacher showers and show support for the next generation of classroom teachers. -- JULIE, A TEACHER'S TEACHER, BERKELEY, CALIF.

DEAR JULIE: Dedicated teachers are among the unsung heroes in our country. They guide and shape the members of future generations, and rarely receive the credit or the income they deserve for their efforts. I love the concept of a teacher shower to help young, idealistic educators get off to the start they need, and I hope the idea will be popularized not only for new teachers, but also more experienced educators who would find it helpful. I'm sure there are many.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, Rex, and I have been married 12 years and have two children, ages 11 and 7. Rex was married once before, while in his 20s, for a very short time. His first wife left him for someone else. (Thankfully, there were no children involved.)

Rex does not want our children to learn about his first marriage. He feels it represents a failure on his part, and he sees no reason why the children should be told. However, his ex-wife still lives here in town, and on a couple of occasions we have bumped into her at local restaurants. Rex was very uncomfortable during these encounters, and the children did not understand why.

My thought is to simply get this out in the open, but Rex refuses. I don't like keeping secrets from our kids, and feel that the longer we wait, the more our kids will feel betrayed by the secrecy. But I also want to be sensitive to my husband's feelings. How should we handle this? -- WIFE NO. 2 IN HOUSTON

DEAR WIFE NO. 2: Do not mention the subject. He may feel uncomfortable about it because he was the one who was left. If the kids hear about it elsewhere -- and they may -- be honest and tell them the marriage was long ago and very brief. If they want to know why they weren't told about it, tell them to ask their father. (I'm sure they'll forgive him once they understand.) Then, before your children can get to your husband, warn him that the cat's out of the bag so they don't catch him flat-footed.

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DEAR ABBY: I have recently become engaged. I was approached last week by an old friend, "Lindsay," who sat me down and asked me in a serious manner if she could be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I was taken aback by her question and responded awkwardly, saying I hadn't decided yet. She looked hurt, and I quickly changed the subject.

Frankly, Lindsay is someone I hadn't considered asking to be in my wedding because we have grown apart over the years.

I will be selecting my bridesmaids soon, and I don't want to hurt her feelings even more. How should I handle this? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: As I see it, you have two choices. You can pretend Lindsay never asked you that question. Or, you can have a chat with her and explain that you and your fiance have discussed who will be in the bridal party, and, because you and she have grown apart over the years, you have decided to ask other people.

Either way, she's not going to like it. But remember, she was presumptuous to put you on the spot in the first place, and you are under no obligation to ask her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive, single, successful, 27-year-old woman who has struggled with anorexia ever since I was 12. I have learned to live with it and feel no need to advertise it to the world. However, I find that many strangers, including a large number of people I associate with at work, feel a compulsion to comment on my weight (105 pounds and 5 foot 9), the size of the clothes I wear, or what I eat. It's as uncomfortable a subject for me as I imagine it is for people who are overweight, and I have no "pat" answer for them.

When work associates ask your size or your weight, or even go so far as to assume you have an eating disorder, is there a polite response to remind them of the inappropriateness of their question? -- ANNOYED AT 105

DEAR ANNOYED: Clearly, your weight issues are more obvious to those around you than you chose to believe. However, you are under no obligation to answer these intrusive questions if it makes you uncomfortable. When confronted, reply, "That's a very personal question (or subject), and I'd prefer not to discuss it." Then change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a female in my mid-20s, starting on a career as a professional musician. I play an instrument, the flugelhorn, that is played professionally by fewer females than males. I have also been gifted with good looks.

On many occasions when I've performed with a group, I have received compliments from band members as well as members of the audience, usually about my playing AND my appearance. (I dress tastefully, not provocatively.)

Do you have some creative ways of saying "thank you" to these nice people? I realize that just a simple "thank you" is always appropriate, but is there another way I can respond to show my appreciation for their kind words without sounding like I'm rejecting the compliment or I have heard it a thousand times? -- JESSE IN BURBANK

DEAR JESSE: Sometimes the more "creative" someone is, the more room there is for misinterpretation. When acknowledging a compliment, keep it simple. Just say, "Thank you," or, "How kind of you to say that."

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