DEAR ABBY: I live next door to a 75-year-old man whose wife died a few months ago. I'm fairly new to the neighborhood and heard of his loss just before Easter. As a caring gesture, I took him a homemade casserole and left my number in case he needed help going to the store or a cup of coffee. Since then, he has been over once with flowers to chat and have coffee, and is now calling me every few days inviting me for lunch, a glass of wine, etc.

I am engaged to be married and he knows this, but my fiance lives in another town. I realize my neighbor is lonely, but he appears to be thinking romantically. I am 30 years his junior and busy with my life. I only just met him and have nothing to say except to listen, which would be OK if I didn't think he was looking for more.

When he was here for coffee, he kissed my forehead several times when he left and wanted several hugs. I feel so sorry for him, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt him more than he already has been. Could this man actually be thinking of another woman this soon after his wife's death? How should I handle this? Please reply ASAP! -- LUCY IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR LUCY: It is not unheard of for a widower (or a widow) to miss physical contact and companionship after the loss of a spouse, and start thinking romantically within months of her or his death. You were kind to reach out to comfort your neighbor in his grief, but the time has come to make it clear that you are not available for the kind of companionship he is looking for.

Remind him again that you are engaged to be married, and that he should find a grief support group that can help him work through his loss and re-establish a social life. To do so is neither rude nor unfeeling, and it may be the push in the right direction he needs to get moving with his life again -- because right now he is barking up the wrong tree.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: An estimated 320,000 people who suffer from severe mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depression with psychotic features) are incarcerated in our jails and prisons today.

If you or a member of your family has been diagnosed as "mentally ill" and has spent time in jail or prison, please write and tell me about it. Your first-hand experiences are needed for an important mental health study being done by an elite group of psychiatrists. Please address your letters to The C.P. Committee, Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP), Room 322, 701 W. Pratt St., Baltimore, MD 21201.

I want to thank you in advance for taking part in this important study. Your personal comments will help GAP to identify the seriousness and magnitude of this problem rooted in the mental health/justice fields. Your participation may help to effect major change in these areas, and have a profound impact on the treatment of many of our loved ones. Please share your comments today. -- LOVE, ABBY

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you, thank you, for publishing the letter from "Ticked Off in Topeka, Kan." (April 18) concerning welfare fraud, including Section 8 housing fraud. I am an investigator for a housing authority, and our agency is dedicated to maintaining the integrity of the program and protecting the taxpayer dollars entrusted to us. Not a day goes by that I don't hear, "I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but ..."

Please let your readers know that if they call in with a fraud tip, they are not the ones who are getting anyone in trouble. The people who decided to commit the fraud or do the crime got themselves in trouble. The only way we can help the most people with our limited resources is by eliminating fraud and applying the rules and regulations fairly and equitably for everyone.

Quite often it is neighbors, friends and family members who are our eyes and ears. It is important that they let us know when someone is defrauding the system. No one will lose assistance just because of a tip. We investigate every case and, if proven, the tenants are given an opportunity to appeal and to have a hearing. There are too many families on the waiting list and too many people who need help for fraud to go unreported. -- INVESTIGATOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR INVESTIGATOR: I hope "Ticked Off" will take your advice -- and mine -- and report this "friend" to the proper authorities. Many readers voiced their frustration, while others offered helpful suggestions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This makes me so mad! My family struggles each and every month with no public assistance. Abby, I don't want to be rich or live in a palace. I just want to go to bed each night knowing my kids' bellies are full and that they have a roof over their heads when the next night comes. We live on macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles, not steak and lobster. If this "friend" is committing fraud, I say report her, because if you are working and paying taxes into the welfare account, she's cheating you, too. -- KEEPING IT REAL IN KISSIMMEE

DEAR ABBY: Way to go, Abby! Americans need to stop overlooking the dishonesty they encounter. Thank you for encouraging "Ticked Off" to take a stand. -- G.M., MONTROSE, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: Please let "Ticked Off" know that if her friend is receiving Section 8 subsidies, her actions may be a federal offense. As a former attorney for a housing authority, I used to receive numerous tips from third parties regarding fraud. If she is concerned, she should contact the local housing authority and ask to speak with the investigations department. A tip may be made anonymously.

There is more at stake here than just her conscience. If a housing authority loses its funding, many innocent families and children suffer needlessly. She should do the right thing and speak up. -- A READER IN N.J.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked for the Section 8 program administered by the state of Michigan for more than 20 years. This federally funded program is intended for the aid of the elderly, disabled individuals and low-income families. A thief who steals from Section 8 is also stealing from those in our society who most desperately need our help. Complaints of fraud should be submitted to HUD by calling the toll-free number: (800) 347-3735. -- ALSO TICKED OFF, LANSING, MICH.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of some casual friends, "Ron" and "Barbie." We sent in our RSVP accepting the invitation, but already we're dreading the day. You see, a few weeks after we mailed it, we had dinner with them.

During the dinner, Ron and Barbie blatantly informed us that they had registered for expensive shower items (I had attended the shower) so they could return the gifts for cash. During the conversation, I mentioned I'd had my eye on a pricey vacuum cleaner I had seen advertised on TV. Barbie turned to her fiance and said, "Honey, we should have registered for that so we could return it for the cash!"

I was floored. So was my husband, though neither of us said a word until we were well on our way home and away from the "happy couple."

If that wasn't enough, they were complaining about some blue towels they had received that they had not registered for. Barbie said they hated them and had returned them. Want to guess what my shower gift was? The blue towels, of course. I couldn't believe she was saying this to us!

My husband was so disgusted he quietly excused himself from attending the bachelor party. Now he no longer even wants to go to the wedding -- let alone give them another gift. He says they make him sick. But we already sent in the card saying that we'll be attending. I agree with my husband on this. The only thing holding us back is the etiquette issue of being a "no-show." Otherwise, I couldn't give a rip about those people. What to do? -- SPEECHLESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SPEECHLESS: After the performance you witnessed, no one can blame you for feeling as you do. Your breach of etiquette would not be in skipping the fund-raiser (oops! wedding); it would be to do so without first informing the couple and having them go to the expense of ordering food and drinks for you. They should be notified immediately, in a short note, that "your plans have changed, and you are not able to attend." This will get you off the hook without being rude to a couple you really don't care to associate with in the future anyway.

DEAR ABBY: I recently had surgery to correct a defect in my urethra. The medical term for it is "hypospadias." I let my co-workers know in an e-mail and provided a link to answer any questions they might have. The link had a photo, and now some people are accusing me of "inappropriate conduct." I have since sent out an apology and a warning not to go to the link.

Abby, it was not my intent to be unprofessional, but I didn't want to have 35 conversations about what the condition is, or 35 conversations about why I am walking so slowly and with a cane. How should I respond? -- HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY

DEAR HEALING: It's time to discuss this with your supervisor or the director of human resources at your company because your mistake could affect your career.

While I understand your intention, you gave out far more information than your co-workers were comfortable with. You could have accomplished the same thing by simply "confiding" in one co-worker. Have you never heard of the office grapevine? It works faster than instant messaging.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)