DEAR ABBY: I have a 25-year-old sister, "Sheila," who has three beautiful children. The problem is, she does not care about herself, her kids or her family.

My mother has raised Sheila's oldest off and on since he was 8 months old. He is now 9. Sheila constantly yells, "I can't stand him! He makes me sick!" She has even gone so far as telling the boy she hates him. I have tried telling her that he is only a child. I tell her God blessed her with the ability to have children, and she should be thankful she has them. She just tunes me out.

Add to that the fact that Sheila beats our mother at times. Our stepdad died last year, and a week after the funeral my sister came in and beat up Mother.

I don't know what's going on, and the family is scared to confront her anymore because she gets really mean. Any help would be appreciated. -- CONCERNED SISTER IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CONCERNED SISTER: Sheila could be mentally ill, drug-addicted or a rage-a-holic. If she would raise a hand to her mother, what might she be doing to her children? From your description of your sister's state of mind, it is possible that all the children should be removed from the home. Child Protective Services can make a determination. And if she raises a hand to your mother one more time, the police should be summoned immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I moved to Texas two years ago and met a guy there. We dated for a year, but I was never that interested in him.

I have recently moved back to California and have met someone now who I am very much in love with. I sent my "ex" an e-mail, telling him that I do not want to be with him anymore, but he thinks I am joking. I have been getting e-mails and calls from him nonstop every day since I sent the e-mail. I cannot ignore him anymore. How do I tell him to leave me alone? -- BECOMING UNEASY IN EAST PALO ALTO, CALIF.

DEAR BECOMING UNEASY: You did not say how long you have been involved with the "someone new," but if you recently returned to California, it cannot have been very long. Perhaps that is why your "ex" is having trouble believing it.

Write this "guy" one more e-mail. Tell him again that you are no longer interested in him, that you are now involved with someone else and that you want no more communication. If he persists, block his e-mails and change your phone number if necessary.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law has recently requested that when he dies, he be cremated and his ashes divided between his two daughters. My wife is his oldest, and she is not sure what to do. She loves her father very much, but feels that his ashes are just "ashes." She says it is his soul or spirit that makes him who he is, so she is reluctant to keep them. But she is uncomfortable about ignoring his wishes. What should we do? -- FRETTING IN FORT SMITH, ARK.

DEAR FRETTING: When something is "bequeathed," it is a gift. And when a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as she wishes. Your wife is under no obligation to hang onto her father's ashes in perpetuity. If she prefers to scatter them, have them interred or made into a piece of art or jewelry, the choice is hers. She should listen to her heart. It will tell her what to do when the time comes.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I are being married in September. Last December I asked a longtime friend, "Mitch," to be a groomsman. We have been close ever since we met in middle school 20 years ago. Mitch and I were still close until about three years ago, when he married and moved out of state. (I was in his wedding party and attended his rehearsal dinner.)

Last week, Mitch informed me that he won't be attending our rehearsal dinner because he will be attending another event that same evening. He will be coming in from out of state and plans to go to his nephew's football game instead. He said he doesn't feel it's necessary to be at the rehearsal since he has "done it before and knows what to do."

I do not feel that Mitch has taken into account the fact that it is not just the formality of rehearsing, but that his presence means as much to me as his being at the wedding. He said he will be glad to step aside if this is not acceptable, but this creates problems, as I do not have anyone else to ask, other than someone I have no history with. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than necessary? -- HURT IN LEANDER, TEXAS

DEAR HURT: I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Part of being a member of a wedding party is to support your friend in any way you can -- and that includes showing up for celebrations and preparations.

It should be clear to you by now that Mitch no longer feels as close to you as he did before he moved out of state and on with his life. If you want him to be a groomsman because he symbolizes a period of your life, let him show up for the ceremony and stand up with you. However, had this happened to me, I would invite someone else to take his place. Mitch has demonstrated what his priorities are, and they are not those of a close friend.

P.S. Be grateful that he gave you enough warning that he can be replaced.

DEAR ABBY: I feel sorry for a friend of my husband's. "Joey" is a really nice guy, but his wife is driving him over the edge. She's obsessive-compulsive and, despite their financial problems, refuses to get a job. She says her mother never had to work and she shouldn't either.

They went to three sessions of marriage counseling, and she refused to go back because their therapist told her she had a serious problem. She told her mom what the therapist said, and they agreed he must be a quack.

Joey is so worried about having to pay alimony and child support that he won't leave, but he confided to my husband that he has thought about doing something to himself. Any advice? -- BONNIE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BONNIE: The economic realities are very different for today's generation of women than they were when Joey's mother-in-law was married. If you and your husband haven't already suggested it, you should urge Joey to seek professional help -- not for his marriage, but for his sanity.

Instead of aiming his frustrations and anger where they belong, he is turning them back on himself and in the form of self-destructive impulses. Counseling will help him regain his perspective. And consulting an attorney will give him a more realistic view of what his responsibilities will be if his marriage cannot be saved. Both will do him a world of good. Please urge him not to wait.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I feel compelled to comment about the letter from "Miffed Pro in South Carolina" (April 20), the professional photographer who complained about guests taking photographs at weddings.

I am a clergyperson who has seen more than my share of rude, incompetent professional photographers. I have seen them attempt to set up tripods at the altar, leaving no room for the wedding party to stand. I have seen them squat in the middle of the aisle, stopping each couple as they approach to get a "candid" shot. I have cleaned up front pews cluttered with their camera cases and jackets thrown over the altar, delaying the start of the ceremony.

After the wedding, they set up equipment, checking lighting and settings interminably until the bride has lost every bit of "glow" and the candles have burned to stumps. One bride finally shouted, "Enough!" and burst into tears because she wanted to go to her reception.

Ultimately, the bride and groom are often left with substandard photos at a premium price. This, I believe, is why guests bring their own cameras -- so they can capture some fun-filled memories of the day that are affordable. -- MICHIGAN MINISTER

DEAR MINISTER: Ouch! I'm sorry you have had such a disappointing experience with unprofessional professional wedding photographers. Some readers echoed your sentiments -- photos lost, lens caps accidentally left on, photo labs burning down -- while others described a wedding day spent in blissful harmony during which photographer, bridal couple and guests -- through compromise and communication -- made the experience a snap. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wedding photographer explained to the guests that he was going to take the formal shots first, then they could take their pictures while we were still posed for a few more minutes. That way everyone could get the "good shots."

As for the "candid shots" my guests took, I love them. In one of them, my 84-year-old uncle was doing the twist with my 92-year-old grandmother. I was delighted because I didn't see it happening. Please, Abby, tell the pros that everyone with a camera is contributing to the bride and groom's special day. -- CHERYL IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I hired a professional for our wedding. We waited patiently for four to six weeks after our honeymoon for word that the pictures were ready. He never called. I finally contacted him, and after several minutes of stammering he told me that he had "lost" all the rolls of film. Thank goodness my husband's sister had provided disposable cameras at each table at our reception, otherwise there wouldn't have been a single photo of our wedding day. -- ANNETTA IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I was married two years ago, and one of the best presents we received was from a couple who took pictures through the entire ceremony. By the time our reception dinner was served, this couple had taken their photos to a one-hour lab, so we had pictures of our wedding before we even left for our honeymoon. -- LOVED THE CANDIDS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: Taking formal, posed portraits prior to the wedding ceremony is fine, but only if the bride doesn't mind letting her groom see her before the wedding. -- FORMER PHOTOGRAPHER'S ASSISTANT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: In many hundreds of weddings, I have never had a problem with guests stopping me from doing my job, and I have always treated them with respect and dignity. I often take guests' cameras when asked, and snap a few for them so they can be in their own photos. -- EXPERIENCED PRO IN WASHINGTON, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: Shortly after my wedding, I received a card with a photo in it taken by my husband's aunt. It was of my husband looking at me as I walked down the aisle. No one else had thought to take one like it. We had beautiful formal portraits done, but this is the one I keep on the nightstand so that the expression of love on his face is the first thing that greets me each morning. -- DEBRA IN NORTH ATTLEBORO, MASS.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)