DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I are being married in September. Last December I asked a longtime friend, "Mitch," to be a groomsman. We have been close ever since we met in middle school 20 years ago. Mitch and I were still close until about three years ago, when he married and moved out of state. (I was in his wedding party and attended his rehearsal dinner.)

Last week, Mitch informed me that he won't be attending our rehearsal dinner because he will be attending another event that same evening. He will be coming in from out of state and plans to go to his nephew's football game instead. He said he doesn't feel it's necessary to be at the rehearsal since he has "done it before and knows what to do."

I do not feel that Mitch has taken into account the fact that it is not just the formality of rehearsing, but that his presence means as much to me as his being at the wedding. He said he will be glad to step aside if this is not acceptable, but this creates problems, as I do not have anyone else to ask, other than someone I have no history with. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than necessary? -- HURT IN LEANDER, TEXAS

DEAR HURT: I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Part of being a member of a wedding party is to support your friend in any way you can -- and that includes showing up for celebrations and preparations.

It should be clear to you by now that Mitch no longer feels as close to you as he did before he moved out of state and on with his life. If you want him to be a groomsman because he symbolizes a period of your life, let him show up for the ceremony and stand up with you. However, had this happened to me, I would invite someone else to take his place. Mitch has demonstrated what his priorities are, and they are not those of a close friend.

P.S. Be grateful that he gave you enough warning that he can be replaced.

DEAR ABBY: I feel sorry for a friend of my husband's. "Joey" is a really nice guy, but his wife is driving him over the edge. She's obsessive-compulsive and, despite their financial problems, refuses to get a job. She says her mother never had to work and she shouldn't either.

They went to three sessions of marriage counseling, and she refused to go back because their therapist told her she had a serious problem. She told her mom what the therapist said, and they agreed he must be a quack.

Joey is so worried about having to pay alimony and child support that he won't leave, but he confided to my husband that he has thought about doing something to himself. Any advice? -- BONNIE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BONNIE: The economic realities are very different for today's generation of women than they were when Joey's mother-in-law was married. If you and your husband haven't already suggested it, you should urge Joey to seek professional help -- not for his marriage, but for his sanity.

Instead of aiming his frustrations and anger where they belong, he is turning them back on himself and in the form of self-destructive impulses. Counseling will help him regain his perspective. And consulting an attorney will give him a more realistic view of what his responsibilities will be if his marriage cannot be saved. Both will do him a world of good. Please urge him not to wait.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I feel compelled to comment about the letter from "Miffed Pro in South Carolina" (April 20), the professional photographer who complained about guests taking photographs at weddings.

I am a clergyperson who has seen more than my share of rude, incompetent professional photographers. I have seen them attempt to set up tripods at the altar, leaving no room for the wedding party to stand. I have seen them squat in the middle of the aisle, stopping each couple as they approach to get a "candid" shot. I have cleaned up front pews cluttered with their camera cases and jackets thrown over the altar, delaying the start of the ceremony.

After the wedding, they set up equipment, checking lighting and settings interminably until the bride has lost every bit of "glow" and the candles have burned to stumps. One bride finally shouted, "Enough!" and burst into tears because she wanted to go to her reception.

Ultimately, the bride and groom are often left with substandard photos at a premium price. This, I believe, is why guests bring their own cameras -- so they can capture some fun-filled memories of the day that are affordable. -- MICHIGAN MINISTER

DEAR MINISTER: Ouch! I'm sorry you have had such a disappointing experience with unprofessional professional wedding photographers. Some readers echoed your sentiments -- photos lost, lens caps accidentally left on, photo labs burning down -- while others described a wedding day spent in blissful harmony during which photographer, bridal couple and guests -- through compromise and communication -- made the experience a snap. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My wedding photographer explained to the guests that he was going to take the formal shots first, then they could take their pictures while we were still posed for a few more minutes. That way everyone could get the "good shots."

As for the "candid shots" my guests took, I love them. In one of them, my 84-year-old uncle was doing the twist with my 92-year-old grandmother. I was delighted because I didn't see it happening. Please, Abby, tell the pros that everyone with a camera is contributing to the bride and groom's special day. -- CHERYL IN GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I hired a professional for our wedding. We waited patiently for four to six weeks after our honeymoon for word that the pictures were ready. He never called. I finally contacted him, and after several minutes of stammering he told me that he had "lost" all the rolls of film. Thank goodness my husband's sister had provided disposable cameras at each table at our reception, otherwise there wouldn't have been a single photo of our wedding day. -- ANNETTA IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I was married two years ago, and one of the best presents we received was from a couple who took pictures through the entire ceremony. By the time our reception dinner was served, this couple had taken their photos to a one-hour lab, so we had pictures of our wedding before we even left for our honeymoon. -- LOVED THE CANDIDS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: Taking formal, posed portraits prior to the wedding ceremony is fine, but only if the bride doesn't mind letting her groom see her before the wedding. -- FORMER PHOTOGRAPHER'S ASSISTANT IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: In many hundreds of weddings, I have never had a problem with guests stopping me from doing my job, and I have always treated them with respect and dignity. I often take guests' cameras when asked, and snap a few for them so they can be in their own photos. -- EXPERIENCED PRO IN WASHINGTON, MAINE

DEAR ABBY: Shortly after my wedding, I received a card with a photo in it taken by my husband's aunt. It was of my husband looking at me as I walked down the aisle. No one else had thought to take one like it. We had beautiful formal portraits done, but this is the one I keep on the nightstand so that the expression of love on his face is the first thing that greets me each morning. -- DEBRA IN NORTH ATTLEBORO, MASS.

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DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-20s, male, an only child, and I came late in life.

Both of my parents are disabled -- one with a host of ailments, and the other with a very bad back. Both are on disability and don't do well on their own.

I made a decision early in young adulthood to drop out of high school and take care of my parents. I got a part-time job and stayed home the rest of the time to help with "around-the-house chores." I have stayed with my parents now for quite a while, and they are mostly dependent on me.

At the risk of sounding selfish, I know they won't be around much longer, and I don't want to be stuck holding the bag when they pass on, with no high school diploma, no higher education and only part-time employment experience.

Don't get me wrong. I love my parents with all my heart, and I don't want to leave them high and dry. What can I do? -- GOING NOWHERE IN IDAHO

DEAR GOING NOWHERE: As loving a son as you are, you should never have dropped out of high school, and your parents were wrong to let you. The time has come to repair some of the damage that was done.

You do not have to leave your parents high and dry in order to get your GED. You can do that while working part-time and living at home. Please contact your former high school and find out what programs it offers at night for adults. Once you have your GED, you should explore a community college or trade school so you can get the higher education you have missed.

You are a loving and generous son to have shouldered so much responsibility so early in life. However, it is extremely important that you begin taking care of yourself now in addition to your parents.

DEAR ABBY: How do I deal with a husband who seems to hate everyone and everything in life? He hates his job. He hates the fact that he has to be responsible for his elderly father, even though his father still lives on his own but can no longer drive. (I help out on that one.) He hates being responsible for me and our two children.

His latest rant is racism. If you are not a member of his race, then he hates you. And he hates women.

Abby, I am tired! I am not a hateful person. I do not judge others by their color. The way I see it, there is good and bad in every race. Could he be going through a mid-life crisis? He is 47 years old. What can I do to either defuse him or somehow keep the peace? He is not listening to a word I say. -- FED UP IN GLEN ALLEN, VA.

DEAR FED UP: Your husband may be feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities he has assumed, or angry that he has not accomplished more at this stage in his life.

The question you must ask yourself is, Is the change in his personality something new, or has it always been this way? If it is something new, then it is possible that he could benefit from a visit to his doctor and a complete physical and neurological examination to rule out a physical or mental problem.

We all lead stressful lives to some degree, but there are better ways of coping with frustration than blaming people of other races or members of the opposite sex. Sometimes counseling can be helpful -- but only if the person is willing to admit he needs it and is willing to accept it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)