DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken in Westchester, Pa." (April 9) said she had just broken up with an emotionally abusive man who withheld affection from her because he wanted her to lose weight. She went on to say she was working on her master's in counseling psychology, and couldn't understand why she had tolerated his emotional abuse for nine months. She said she could hear his put-downs over and over, and knew it was self-destructive but couldn't let it go.

Please tell her that the best weight she ever lost was the burden of "Shallow Hal." Unfortunately, I married a man much like him. His favorite pastime was degrading my career choice. (I'm in the military and have been for 19 years.) Your comment, "trying to win an unwinnable man," hit me like a ton of bricks.

Thankfully, I was only with my husband nine months before I came to my senses, but the damage to my self-esteem and trust was severe. I got help through both military and civilian resources, and went on two anti-depressants for depression and insomnia for six months -- enough time to get it through my head that it wasn't my issue, it was his.

Please tell "Heartbroken" there are men out there who will love and appreciate her for who she is, not how much she weighs. -- PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR PROUD: I'm pleased you managed to get away while your self-esteem, though tattered, was repairable. Not surprisingly, "Heartbroken's" letter hit a nerve with many readers who took pen in hand to vent. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a different angle on why "Heartbroken" put up with "Shallow Hal's" comments and ultimatums: Our society treats fat people so badly that she didn't think she deserved any better. The messages were just more of what she heard all the time.

The message from ads and magazines is that being fat is almost a sin or a crime. This is brainwashing, and undoing it takes a lot of work. Until we do it, fat people will always settle for less because we have internalized the message that we're less valuable people. -- B.B. IN YONKERS

DEAR ABBY: That woman's boyfriend was a bona fide jerk! She needs to learn from this episode so she can pass it on to her future clients. She should look at it as a life experience and warn her clients about the danger of people like this, and tell them to always be objective when evaluating a potential mate.

By the way, I'm a guy, and I would never do what that jerk has done. That's why I've been happily married for 30 years. -- GUY FROM TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: When my "Shallow Hal" told me I should lose weight because I wasn't attractive, I was in recovery from an eating disorder and had put on 50 pounds. I told him that if he didn't like me as I was, he should give Cindy Crawford a call to see if she would give him the time of day. Then I moved out of the apartment we shared and moved on.

I'm so glad I did, because three months later I met the man of my dreams, who loves me as I am and who still treats me like a queen after seven years together. -- HAPPY AS I AM, CALGARY, CANADA

DEAR ABBY: What "Heartbroken" is doing is allowing that man to "live rent-free in her head" and to win the mind games he has been playing with her. Every time she thinks of him, she should remember the phrase "rent-free in my head," and soon she won't even think of him. I have used this technique for years, and it works. -- WISHING HER LUCK IN CORDOVA, TENN.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I find myself in a head vs. heart situation. I have ended an emotionally draining relationship of more than 10 years. As I tried to find the courage to "move on," I found myself turning to a married woman who understood everything I had experienced and made me believe that she was also looking for the courage to change her situation. Our relationship grew into something more than it should have, considering her marital status -- and a considerable amount of time has passed.

I still believe she is my closest friend, but I don't know if I should continue to support her in the hope that she will make a change. Or is it time to face the realization that I have made a big mistake and try to cut my ties with this woman? I am at the point of near obsession with wondering if this vision in my heart will ever come true.

My heart says hold out; my head says back away. I'm looking for objective wisdom. -- BAFFLED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR BAFFLED: Please listen to your head. Listening to your heart has brought you to the point of near obsession. Obsession is not love; it is a sickness.

Time is the most precious gift we have, and you have already wasted enough of it. Face it: She wasn't your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; she was your "comfort" station on the way to your destination. It's time to move on.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for six years. It's the second marriage for both of us.

The issue arises when I open an e-mail from my family. My husband stands over my shoulder and reads it while I am reading it. I think it is rude, and he should not read it unless I invite him to. The e-mails are never about him and rarely contain anything I wouldn't share with him, but I think he should wait to be invited.

Since both our families live in the same town, sometimes a subject will be mentioned that is personal, and I can't count on him to be discreet. I would like the chance to at least see what the e-mail is about before he reads it and then casually gossips about it to his family (which has happened). I don't want to get separate e-mail addresses, though, because he would think I am hiding something. (This happened in his first marriage.) What's the answer? -- INVADED IN ORTONVILLE, MICH.

DEAR INVADED: The answer is a frank and possibly unpleasant conversation with your husband. His first wife's behavior seems to have left him with serious trust issues, and that's why he insists on reading your e-mails over your shoulder.

If you want privacy, you are going to have to demand it. And if he wants to know why, you are going to have to tell him that he can't be trusted not to gossip. You should not have to pay the penalty for the indiscretions of his former spouse.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 39 years no longer hugs me or shows me any affection. I have seen him through cancer and diabetes. We have four grown children, and we have been seeing a therapist for a year and a half. He is kind, generous and friendly, but there are no compliments or any of the flirtatious banter we used to enjoy.

He swears he's not having an affair, and he doesn't know why he has changed. Perhaps you do? -- GRACE IN PHOENIX

DEAR GRACE: Several possibilities come to mind. Your husband could be depressed, or his change in behavior could be related to hormone levels or medication. Perhaps, in addition to the therapist, his physician should be consulted. Please consider it.

DEAR ABBY: Wow! I can't believe that "Terri in Johnstown, Pa." (April 7) has the nerve to complain about how her husband washes the dishes or vacuums. She should be grateful her husband isn't like so many other husbands, who sit on the couch while their wives do the dishes themselves.

If you use hot water and good detergent, there are no germs left. I was always taught to wash the dishes first (glasses, plates, silverware), and leave the pans for last. Beyond that the order doesn't matter.

Personally, I do the dishes in order of how they best fit in the drainer, and my wife has never complained. Because "Terri" feels that certain things need to be washed first, perhaps she should suggest that her husband move over so that she can wash and he can rinse.

My wife and I are split on the vacuuming issue. I think you should dust first, then vacuum. My wife seems to think that dusting last will remove the dust stirred up by the vacuum. With today's technology, I really don't think it matters either way.

One of the best lessons I learned while growing up is that if you complain about how somebody is doing something, be prepared to do it yourself. -- BILL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BILL: I agree that it doesn't matter in what order you dust and vacuum. However, my readers were divided on the issue. Most agreed with you on the dishwashing procedure you described. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That wife needs to step back and let her husband do it his way. In the long run, it makes no difference if you vacuum first or dust first, or wash the plates first or the glasses first.

It was difficult initially for me to let my husband clean the kitchen, vacuum and dust, but over time it's been a blessing to have someone who automatically shares the housework instead of spending his time watching TV and waiting for me to do everything. My husband also cooks (which was an adjustment for me), and we've had some wonderful times cooking together.

If that woman wants to do all the housework herself and treat her spouse like her child, she's heading in the right direction. If she wants a partner, then she needs to stop being so bossy. -- ELIZABETH, CROSS PLAINS, WIS.

DEAR ABBY: I am astounded by "Terri in Pa.," who sees red every time her husband does the dishes because she doesn't like the order in which he washes them!

My husband often fixes his own breakfast and lets me sleep late. This morning he told me he had fixed breakfast and "cleaned it all up." His idea of cleaning up is to remove the dirty dishes from the table. Did I see red? No way! I was happy to be able to sleep late. It only takes a minute to clean the pan and put it away, then put the dishes in the dishwasher.

Some people don't have enough sense to know when they've got a good deal. -- CONTENT TO SLEEP LATE

DEAR ABBY: It seems to me that "Terri" should look into getting some help for her obsessive-compulsive disorder. If something like that is such a big deal (and makes her that uncomfortable), then there's a bigger problem. I know, because I am a long-time OCD sufferer who recognizes the signs. -- DONE THAT BEFORE

DEAR ABBY: Every time my husband does the dishes, I thank my lucky stars that he's willing to partner with me in the housework. He is also willing to vacuum, dust and fold laundry. Does he do it the way I would? No. Do I keep my mouth shut and count my blessings? Absolutely! -- CALL ME BLESSED

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)