DEAR ABBY: I find myself in a head vs. heart situation. I have ended an emotionally draining relationship of more than 10 years. As I tried to find the courage to "move on," I found myself turning to a married woman who understood everything I had experienced and made me believe that she was also looking for the courage to change her situation. Our relationship grew into something more than it should have, considering her marital status -- and a considerable amount of time has passed.

I still believe she is my closest friend, but I don't know if I should continue to support her in the hope that she will make a change. Or is it time to face the realization that I have made a big mistake and try to cut my ties with this woman? I am at the point of near obsession with wondering if this vision in my heart will ever come true.

My heart says hold out; my head says back away. I'm looking for objective wisdom. -- BAFFLED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR BAFFLED: Please listen to your head. Listening to your heart has brought you to the point of near obsession. Obsession is not love; it is a sickness.

Time is the most precious gift we have, and you have already wasted enough of it. Face it: She wasn't your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; she was your "comfort" station on the way to your destination. It's time to move on.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for six years. It's the second marriage for both of us.

The issue arises when I open an e-mail from my family. My husband stands over my shoulder and reads it while I am reading it. I think it is rude, and he should not read it unless I invite him to. The e-mails are never about him and rarely contain anything I wouldn't share with him, but I think he should wait to be invited.

Since both our families live in the same town, sometimes a subject will be mentioned that is personal, and I can't count on him to be discreet. I would like the chance to at least see what the e-mail is about before he reads it and then casually gossips about it to his family (which has happened). I don't want to get separate e-mail addresses, though, because he would think I am hiding something. (This happened in his first marriage.) What's the answer? -- INVADED IN ORTONVILLE, MICH.

DEAR INVADED: The answer is a frank and possibly unpleasant conversation with your husband. His first wife's behavior seems to have left him with serious trust issues, and that's why he insists on reading your e-mails over your shoulder.

If you want privacy, you are going to have to demand it. And if he wants to know why, you are going to have to tell him that he can't be trusted not to gossip. You should not have to pay the penalty for the indiscretions of his former spouse.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 39 years no longer hugs me or shows me any affection. I have seen him through cancer and diabetes. We have four grown children, and we have been seeing a therapist for a year and a half. He is kind, generous and friendly, but there are no compliments or any of the flirtatious banter we used to enjoy.

He swears he's not having an affair, and he doesn't know why he has changed. Perhaps you do? -- GRACE IN PHOENIX

DEAR GRACE: Several possibilities come to mind. Your husband could be depressed, or his change in behavior could be related to hormone levels or medication. Perhaps, in addition to the therapist, his physician should be consulted. Please consider it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Wow! I can't believe that "Terri in Johnstown, Pa." (April 7) has the nerve to complain about how her husband washes the dishes or vacuums. She should be grateful her husband isn't like so many other husbands, who sit on the couch while their wives do the dishes themselves.

If you use hot water and good detergent, there are no germs left. I was always taught to wash the dishes first (glasses, plates, silverware), and leave the pans for last. Beyond that the order doesn't matter.

Personally, I do the dishes in order of how they best fit in the drainer, and my wife has never complained. Because "Terri" feels that certain things need to be washed first, perhaps she should suggest that her husband move over so that she can wash and he can rinse.

My wife and I are split on the vacuuming issue. I think you should dust first, then vacuum. My wife seems to think that dusting last will remove the dust stirred up by the vacuum. With today's technology, I really don't think it matters either way.

One of the best lessons I learned while growing up is that if you complain about how somebody is doing something, be prepared to do it yourself. -- BILL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BILL: I agree that it doesn't matter in what order you dust and vacuum. However, my readers were divided on the issue. Most agreed with you on the dishwashing procedure you described. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That wife needs to step back and let her husband do it his way. In the long run, it makes no difference if you vacuum first or dust first, or wash the plates first or the glasses first.

It was difficult initially for me to let my husband clean the kitchen, vacuum and dust, but over time it's been a blessing to have someone who automatically shares the housework instead of spending his time watching TV and waiting for me to do everything. My husband also cooks (which was an adjustment for me), and we've had some wonderful times cooking together.

If that woman wants to do all the housework herself and treat her spouse like her child, she's heading in the right direction. If she wants a partner, then she needs to stop being so bossy. -- ELIZABETH, CROSS PLAINS, WIS.

DEAR ABBY: I am astounded by "Terri in Pa.," who sees red every time her husband does the dishes because she doesn't like the order in which he washes them!

My husband often fixes his own breakfast and lets me sleep late. This morning he told me he had fixed breakfast and "cleaned it all up." His idea of cleaning up is to remove the dirty dishes from the table. Did I see red? No way! I was happy to be able to sleep late. It only takes a minute to clean the pan and put it away, then put the dishes in the dishwasher.

Some people don't have enough sense to know when they've got a good deal. -- CONTENT TO SLEEP LATE

DEAR ABBY: It seems to me that "Terri" should look into getting some help for her obsessive-compulsive disorder. If something like that is such a big deal (and makes her that uncomfortable), then there's a bigger problem. I know, because I am a long-time OCD sufferer who recognizes the signs. -- DONE THAT BEFORE

DEAR ABBY: Every time my husband does the dishes, I thank my lucky stars that he's willing to partner with me in the housework. He is also willing to vacuum, dust and fold laundry. Does he do it the way I would? No. Do I keep my mouth shut and count my blessings? Absolutely! -- CALL ME BLESSED

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Every faucet in our house has a slow drip -- the kitchen sink, the bathtub, the upstairs bathroom. My husband "Earl's" response to the kitchen drip is that he wants to replace the entire sink and countertop, so "we'll do it all then." For the one in our bathtub, he says, "We're going to tear all that out anyway and put in a new tub." Earl avidly watches home improvement shows and drags me to home improvement stores to look at the replacements, but never buys anything or follows through with any projects.

I am willing to approve anything that gets the drips stopped, whether it's a faucet replacement or a whole new kitchen. Earl is fully capable of doing the job himself and has all the new tools.

I might add that he takes the same approach to the old truck he's going to fix up, the painting that needs to be done, the porch to be replaced and other projects. He is full of talk, but to myself I refer to him as "the Big Drip." How do I get him to fix the problem? -- DRIPPY'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: Give your husband a deadline to get the leaks fixed. If he doesn't meet it, then schedule an appointment with a plumber who will. The same goes for the other chores that need to be done. Home improvement is your husband's fantasy, not his hobby, and the sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old and confused. My friends are always coming to me for advice on their relationships and anything else they need help with. I always give them advice they need. I come right out and say what I need to. But one thing I can't do is give myself advice on what I need.

Could it be that I'm better at helping others than myself? I have always been the one who would do anything for anyone and help whoever needs it. I'm only 16, but I don't feel 16. I feel more like an adult.

I'm mainly helping my mom with her mother (my grandmother) because my grandmother is recovering from a stroke. I love my life, but sometimes I forget that I am only 16. -- CONFOUNDED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CONFOUNDED: It's easy to forget that you are still a young person with so much responsibility placed on your shoulders. Perhaps you need some respite from taking care of your grandmother so you can just be a teenager once in a while.

Please do not think you are the only advice-giver who can't advise herself. When someone is emotionally involved in a situation, it is almost impossible to be objective. And yet, objectivity -- and compassion -- are the most important qualities necessary when dispensing advice, and you appear to be capable of both.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's boyfriend just asked my ex-husband for our daughter's hand in marriage. My mother died several years ago and left me a lovely diamond cocktail ring. I would like to offer the stone to my future son-in-law. Perhaps he would like to have it reset for an engagement ring.

He may not even be intending to give her a diamond ring. He may have something else in mind -- and that's OK. I just need to know if it's proper for me to offer him the ring. -- DIANA IN NEW YORK CITY

DEAR DIANA: There is nothing improper about it. Of course it's all right -- and generous, too. If you are asking for my blessing to offer it, you have it.

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