DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife of 34 years passed away eight months ago. I miss her very much. Her dying wish was that she be cremated, which I respected. She asked that her ashes be scattered at sea, which I will do this summer.

Her ashes are in a beautiful urn in the shape of a vase. After her ashes are spread in the ocean, would it be proper to use her urn as a vase? I would like to display it as a reminder of our love for each other and keep a dozen red roses in it at all times.

I have never seen a discussion of urns before in your column. Just what are you supposed to do with an urn that, in my circumstances, I will be done with after this summer? -- BUS DRIVER IN AUBURN, CALIF.

DEAR BUS DRIVER: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your wife. I took your question to a wonderful woman named Lisa Carlson, the executive director of the Funeral Ethics Organization. Lisa assured me that it would be "absolutely proper" to use your wife's urn as a vase. Then she added that if you eventually get a girlfriend, you may want to be discreet about the "vase," and if you have children, you might consider passing it on to them as a family heirloom after your own death.

DEAR ABBY: What is the "proper" way to pass on baby clothes and baby items? I was blessed with a child later in life (I am 40). I will not be having more children.

I gave a lot of clothes to a friend and kept some for sentimental reasons, but my question is this: Items like the swing, vibrating chair and exer-saucer were gifts. Do I have to give them away since they were shower gifts to me? Or is it OK to sell them at a yard sale?

I have a friend who is expecting me to just give her all my stuff. I am torn. Am I being stingy? Or just frugal? Why am I so weird about passing on my baby stuff? Help! -- DANICA IN DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR DANICA: When someone receives a gift, whether it be at a holiday or a shower, that item becomes the property of the recipient to do with as she (or he) pleases. I don't think you are being "weird" about your baby things. Your friend is being presumptuous to expect anything, and should be grateful for any items you give her without feeling entitled to more.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman with friends of all ages, and I receive lots of phone calls. I like people and enjoy hearing from them. However, several of the "regulars" who call me talk nonstop. As long as I listen, they're fine. But if I try to launch into a subject that interests me, they tell me they're really busy and terminate the call.

How should I interpret this? I have tried laughing it off, but it feels like a put-down. -- FEELING USED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FEELING USED: It seems you're spending a lot of time on the phone. The people you have described appear to be quite centered on themselves. They appear to be in love with the sound of their own voices, rather than calling to converse -- which implies an exchange of information.

I don't think they are trying to put you down. It's just that in their "universe," listening to someone else is too great an inconvenience. People like this are more interested in an audience than a friendship, so budget your time accordingly.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: In light of the events at Virginia Tech, I need some advice on a situation I encountered at work. I travel to many retail locations each week, and sometimes I am "stationed" at one of them for several weeks, or even months.

Two months ago, I was chatting with a young man I'll call "Ryan," and during the conversation he told me that when he was in high school, he had drawn up plans for a Columbine-type assault. The comment came out of the blue, and he laughed it off, saying it would make a good movie script.

Ryan is now at a local community college, and I would not want to be a student at his school. He makes me very uneasy, and I don't like having to interact with him. After the Virginia Tech tragedy, I asked him his thoughts. His reply was, "I wouldn't have killed myself." The implication was that the murder of 30-plus people was fine with him, but suicide would send him to hell.

This kid really scares me, and my gut instinct is to tell the store management about his comments. If he gets angry someday and snaps, I will feel terrible that I didn't say something, but I am a "visitor" in these stores, and I don't want to be labeled as a troublemaker by them or my employer. What should I do? -- VERY TROUBLED IN ARIZONA

DEAR TROUBLED: It's too bad you didn't "remind" Ryan that committing murder would also send him to hell.

Because the young man scares you, my recommendation is to go with your gut. However, rather than reporting the conversation to store management, you should bring it to the attention of the police in your community. They can -- and should -- check to see whether he has access to, or has purchased, any weapons.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are planning to attend my niece's wedding next month and, as usual, the prospect of being with my family has thrown me into a tizzy. We are simple people -- we are both teachers, and we have raised three great children but no superstars.

My sister and brothers are all wealthy. Their children are excellent scholars and/or athletes, including two who play professionally.

I feel fine about our accomplishments and am proud of our children and what they have done -- that is, until I am around my brothers and sister. Then I beat myself up thinking I wasn't as good a mother as I should have been.

I am tempted to skip this wedding because this happens every single time, and I don't enjoy my visits with them. What do I do? -- TEMPTED TO REFUSE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR TEMPTED TO REFUSE: I see no reason why you should feel "second best" and compare yourself and your family to your siblings. You and your husband chose to go into one of the "helping" professions rather than one that would bring in more money. Many people would consider that a far greater contribution to our society than accumulating a pile of assets.

As to comparing the accomplishments of these "superstar" athletes and scholarly nieces and nephews -- I can't imagine a greater waste of time. If your children are educated, employed and happy with their lives, then dear lady, you have accomplished what is most important.

Skip the wedding if that's what you prefer, but please do not do so because you're ashamed of your life. From my perspective, you and your family are very successful people in your own right.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Jack's Grandpa" (April 2), whose wife is afraid wearing pink will cause their baby grandson to turn into a cross-dresser. Relax! My aunt desperately wanted a baby girl, but to her disappointment, she had a baby boy. She kept that kid in frilly dresses with ruffles and his hair long and in curls until he was 4!

He grew up to be a fine young man. He did his service in Vietnam, married and raised a family. Of course, the rest of the family accepted his mother's "eccentricities," and no one ridiculed or poked fun at him. If a pink blanket is the worst thing that kid ever has to contend with in his life, they should all be grateful. -- CATHIE H. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CATHIE: I agree -- as did many readers who responded to that letter. Perhaps the experiences they shared will "color" Grandpa's view on the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You might be interested to know that pink didn't start out as a "feminine" color. In the Middle Ages, the color red was for men because it represented strength, war, fire and blood. The color blue was for women back then. (Blue represented harmony, peace, sky and water.)

When fabric was being dyed, the strongest color came out in the first bath. Paler colors followed with subsequent baths. Back then, men's clothing was made of pale red (pink) fabric. Nobody grew up "confused" in those days. -- TONAWANDA READER

DEAR ABBY: I had to smile at the letter from the grandparent of the baby boy whose daughter thought she was having a girl and received a lot of pink outfits. When my precious son was born, we weren't very well off financially, and I received many hand-me-downs from his two older girl cousins. All that mother needs to do is throw all the clothes in the washer with some blue dye. Then everything will come out blue or purple. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

DEAR ABBY: All a baby is concerned about is having a full tummy, a clean diaper and something interesting to do when he's awake. Pink for girls and blue for boys is not some kind of biological imperative.

In the 19th and 20th centuries, baby clothes were all white. If they had any color trimming, pink was used for boys and blue for girls. The Ladies Home Journal in 1918 said: "There has been a great diversity of opinion on the subject, but the general accepted rule is pink for the boy and blue for the girl. Pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl." -- K.B., SALEM, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: I had a good laugh when I read the letter from "Jack's Grandpa." I have a daughter who is 3 years older than my son. When my son was a toddler, he worshipped his big sister and did whatever she told him. I will never forget my father coming to the house and my son answering the door in a big pink straw hat, Barbie high heels, a mini skirt and a hot pink feather boa. Dad had only daughters, and my son was the only grandson. Dad just about had a stroke when he saw my son. He thought the boy was corrupted forever.

My son is now 10, and he's all boy -- a straight-A student who plays sports year-round. He gets into scuffles at school and eats lunch in the principal's office once or twice a year. Please tell "Jack's Grandpa" not to worry. Clothes don't make the man -- his parents do. -- MICHELLE, NORTH ROYALTON, OHIO

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)