DEAR ABBY: My thanks to "Lauren in Cave Creek, Ariz." (March 19) for raising the subject of concert etiquette. It's one of those awkward subjects because everyone knows there is a proper way to do it, but no one knows what the proper way is.

When attending a concert, look carefully at your program. Often it will indicate where to clap. If not, determine how the musical pieces are arranged. Are they in sets of two or three pieces? If so, clap after the set is completed, NOT after each individual piece. The pieces in a set were arranged to flow one into the other. Clapping breaks the flow and mood the composer was trying to convey.

And while we're on the subject of concert manners: As a musician and music teacher, I attend many concerts every year, and I'm appalled at the number of people who talk in the middle of a musical number. Whispering to your neighbor between pieces is fine, but talking during a musical number at a concert or dance recital (or during an act of a play or musical) is a big no-no! Please get the word out, Abby. This is something everyone should know. -- MS. "D" IN GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR MS. "D": I hope my readers will take note of your informed advice. Lauren's letter caused a flurry of comments from folks connected with the arts. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a stage manager, the person who sits in the booth and cues lights, actors, scenery, etc. Part of my job is to do a report each night that is sent to the members of the production team, and gauging audience response is part of that report.

One of the wonderful things about art is that it provokes emotion and/or a response. This is vital to the performers on stage, as they feed on the energy that the audience puts forth. An audience that is unresponsive or repressed (referred to as "dead") is much harder to play for. Clapping in the middle of a piece is acceptable if it's to recognize something particular, such as a stylistic move or a soloist.

Performers are usually trained professionals. When applause comes in the middle of a piece, the performers often anticipate it because there is an audience "energy" that precedes it. Unnatural things such as cell phones (even when they vibrate), rustling candy wrappers and cameras are infinitely more distracting and do far more to interrupt a performance. So I say, as long as the clapping is respectful and honest, please clap! I hope this view from the "other side of the curtain" is helpful. -- S.M.P. in WINOOSKI, VT.

DEAR ABBY: As an actor, director and frequent audience member, I can assure "Lauren" that applause is expected after songs in a musical, but not appreciated in the middle of dramatic plays. One more thing: If it's a comedy, please laugh if you think something is funny. Good actors are prepared to deal with laughs whenever they come. -- DOROTHEA IN EL SOBRANTE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: At jazz performances, it's traditional to applaud after each featured soloist, as well as at the end of the piece. -- VOICE MAJOR, JACKSON, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: Mozart, in a letter to his father, reported that at the premiere of his "Paris" symphony, the audience actually applauded in the middle of the last movement. Was young Wolfgang offended? Not in the least! He wrote that he was so happy he recited a rosary on the spot! -- MAX R., VIOLINIST, CHICAGO SYMPHONY

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DEAR ABBY: What is the inside secret to men? I'm a 25-year-old, attractive woman, and I'm confused. There's this guy I'm interested in, and although I believe he's flirting with me, I still have no number or date. (This guy is single.)

In the modern world we live in, do guys really want the female to make the first move? Or should I stick to the traditional rules and wait? -- JILL IN PERTH AMBOY, N.J.

DEAR JILL: There is no "secret" to men. And it's not uncommon for women to suggest going out these days. I have certainly never heard a man complain to be asked!

The person you have described may be shy, he may be involved with someone, or he may just be a flirt. The surest way to find out would be to suggest going out and see how he reacts.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest son was married in Las Vegas five weeks ago. We told him and his wife that we'd have the wedding reception at our home, and we're planning to do so.

At this same time, my husband and I have bought a new home, and we'd like to share it with our friends as well. We would like to do both on the same day.

I want to convey to our guests that no gifts are expected for the reception, as many do not know my son, and at our age, no housewarming gift is needed either. How do I tactfully let them know this, and is it all right to do both parties on the same day and make it casual with outside eating? -- PROUD MOM IN HOUSTON

DEAR PROUD MOM: The polite way to discourage gifts would be to tell your prospective guests verbally -- not on an invitation -- that "the gift of their presence is all that you need," for the reason that you stated.

However, I recommend that you rethink having a combination housewarming and wedding reception for your son and his wife. A celebration of their special day should not be in conjunction with a housewarming where people your son has never met would be in attendance. This is an occasion that should be celebrated with THEIR friends and family.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a nursing and rehabilitation center as a certified nursing aide. There are a few wives who come in at every meal to assist their spouses with eating, so we see and talk to them often. We don't get "close" with them, but I think all of the staff considers them more than just visitors.

Recently one of the residents whose wife always came in passed away. What is the proper thing to say or do in a situation like this? I wanted to give her a hug and tell her I was sorry for her loss. But I know when I'm upset, a hug only makes me feel worse. -- RACHELLE IN PORT HURON, MICH.

DEAR RACHELLE: Write the widow a short condolence note, telling her what a caring wife she was and what a difference she made in her husband's life during his illness. Tell her you are sorry for her loss, that she will be missed at the rehabilitation center, and that you hope the rest of her life will be a healthy and happy one. I am sure it would mean the world to her.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I asked a group of schoolchildren what Memorial Day meant to them, they replied, "That's the day the pools open!" Too many older Americans would have similar responses. There can be no argument that we, as a nation, need to refresh our memories and put "memorial" back into Memorial Day.

We must never forget who we are memorializing and inform each coming generation that since the birth of our nation, more than 1 million men and women have died to ensure our freedom.

I ask all Americans to observe the National Moment of Remembrance, established by Congress to recognize, honor and memorialize all those who have given their lives in service to our country throughout our history. They were someone's father, mother, son, daughter, sister, brother, other relative or friend. Their families are also casualties of war, for their loss is the most enduring sacrifice.

Abby, please urge our fellow Americans to live honoring America's fallen. As long as they are remembered they are never gone. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE

DEAR CARMELLA: Thank you for your timely and heartfelt letter. I'm pleased to pass along your message. Readers, wherever you may be tomorrow on Memorial Day -- even if it's the swimming pool -- please take a moment and pause at 3 p.m. (local time) and think about those who died to preserve our liberties. Do something for your country in their blessed memory, even if it is only taking a moment to appreciate their courage and sacrifice for us.

DEAR ABBY: I am in eighth grade. A boy came to our middle school last January, and I have liked him ever since. I don't know him that well, but I would love to. He's tall and cute, the kind of guy I really like. He is also sweet and very funny.

He dated one of my friends for three weeks. After they broke up he started liking me, but I was hesitant because of what my friend would think. She wasn't a close friend, but I later found out she was furious. Obviously, she thought they might get back together, and I had interfered.

I flirted with him for a few weeks and hung out. We kissed a few times, and he would walk me to my bus. He gave me a lot of attention, and I loved it. Many of my friends said I was "bogus" or wrong for liking him. They wore me down, so I told him I couldn't date him.

Now he is flirting with other girls, just to "show me." I feel like I missed out on a great guy because of what other people thought. He barely speaks to me now, and when he does (which isn't often), it's not the most reassuring comment.

Please give me some words of wisdom on the situation. I don't want to seem desperate or needy, but I'm not sure how to tell him I'd love to date him, even if my friends hated me for it. -- LOVESICK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LOVESICK: It is not desperate or needy to tell someone that you made a mistake and that you regret it. It's called being honest. There is no guarantee that this will "get him back," but if his feelings for you were as strong as yours are for him, it might work. It's worth a try.

P.S. Think positive! But if he has already moved on, you have learned a valuable lesson. In the future, I'll bet you no longer allow others to dictate whom you should or shouldn't care for.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)