DEAR ABBY: What is the inside secret to men? I'm a 25-year-old, attractive woman, and I'm confused. There's this guy I'm interested in, and although I believe he's flirting with me, I still have no number or date. (This guy is single.)

In the modern world we live in, do guys really want the female to make the first move? Or should I stick to the traditional rules and wait? -- JILL IN PERTH AMBOY, N.J.

DEAR JILL: There is no "secret" to men. And it's not uncommon for women to suggest going out these days. I have certainly never heard a man complain to be asked!

The person you have described may be shy, he may be involved with someone, or he may just be a flirt. The surest way to find out would be to suggest going out and see how he reacts.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest son was married in Las Vegas five weeks ago. We told him and his wife that we'd have the wedding reception at our home, and we're planning to do so.

At this same time, my husband and I have bought a new home, and we'd like to share it with our friends as well. We would like to do both on the same day.

I want to convey to our guests that no gifts are expected for the reception, as many do not know my son, and at our age, no housewarming gift is needed either. How do I tactfully let them know this, and is it all right to do both parties on the same day and make it casual with outside eating? -- PROUD MOM IN HOUSTON

DEAR PROUD MOM: The polite way to discourage gifts would be to tell your prospective guests verbally -- not on an invitation -- that "the gift of their presence is all that you need," for the reason that you stated.

However, I recommend that you rethink having a combination housewarming and wedding reception for your son and his wife. A celebration of their special day should not be in conjunction with a housewarming where people your son has never met would be in attendance. This is an occasion that should be celebrated with THEIR friends and family.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest son was married in Las Vegas five weeks ago. We told him and his wife that we'd have the wedding reception at our home, and we're planning to do so.

At this same time, my husband and I have bought a new home, and we'd like to share it with our friends as well. We would like to do both on the same day.

I want to convey to our guests that no gifts are expected for the reception, as many do not know my son, and at our age, no housewarming gift is needed either. How do I tactfully let them know this, and is it all right to do both parties on the same day and make it casual with outside eating? -- PROUD MOM IN HOUSTON

DEAR PROUD MOM: The polite way to discourage gifts would be to tell your prospective guests verbally -- not on an invitation -- that "the gift of their presence is all that you need," for the reason that you stated.

However, I recommend that you rethink having a combination housewarming and wedding reception for your son and his wife. A celebration of their special day should not be in conjunction with a housewarming where people your son has never met would be in attendance. This is an occasion that should be celebrated with THEIR friends and family.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a nursing and rehabilitation center as a certified nursing aide. There are a few wives who come in at every meal to assist their spouses with eating, so we see and talk to them often. We don't get "close" with them, but I think all of the staff considers them more than just visitors.

Recently one of the residents whose wife always came in passed away. What is the proper thing to say or do in a situation like this? I wanted to give her a hug and tell her I was sorry for her loss. But I know when I'm upset, a hug only makes me feel worse. -- RACHELLE IN PORT HURON, MICH.

DEAR RACHELLE: Write the widow a short condolence note, telling her what a caring wife she was and what a difference she made in her husband's life during his illness. Tell her you are sorry for her loss, that she will be missed at the rehabilitation center, and that you hope the rest of her life will be a healthy and happy one. I am sure it would mean the world to her.

DEAR ABBY: When I asked a group of schoolchildren what Memorial Day meant to them, they replied, "That's the day the pools open!" Too many older Americans would have similar responses. There can be no argument that we, as a nation, need to refresh our memories and put "memorial" back into Memorial Day.

We must never forget who we are memorializing and inform each coming generation that since the birth of our nation, more than 1 million men and women have died to ensure our freedom.

I ask all Americans to observe the National Moment of Remembrance, established by Congress to recognize, honor and memorialize all those who have given their lives in service to our country throughout our history. They were someone's father, mother, son, daughter, sister, brother, other relative or friend. Their families are also casualties of war, for their loss is the most enduring sacrifice.

Abby, please urge our fellow Americans to live honoring America's fallen. As long as they are remembered they are never gone. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE

DEAR CARMELLA: Thank you for your timely and heartfelt letter. I'm pleased to pass along your message. Readers, wherever you may be tomorrow on Memorial Day -- even if it's the swimming pool -- please take a moment and pause at 3 p.m. (local time) and think about those who died to preserve our liberties. Do something for your country in their blessed memory, even if it is only taking a moment to appreciate their courage and sacrifice for us.

DEAR ABBY: I am in eighth grade. A boy came to our middle school last January, and I have liked him ever since. I don't know him that well, but I would love to. He's tall and cute, the kind of guy I really like. He is also sweet and very funny.

He dated one of my friends for three weeks. After they broke up he started liking me, but I was hesitant because of what my friend would think. She wasn't a close friend, but I later found out she was furious. Obviously, she thought they might get back together, and I had interfered.

I flirted with him for a few weeks and hung out. We kissed a few times, and he would walk me to my bus. He gave me a lot of attention, and I loved it. Many of my friends said I was "bogus" or wrong for liking him. They wore me down, so I told him I couldn't date him.

Now he is flirting with other girls, just to "show me." I feel like I missed out on a great guy because of what other people thought. He barely speaks to me now, and when he does (which isn't often), it's not the most reassuring comment.

Please give me some words of wisdom on the situation. I don't want to seem desperate or needy, but I'm not sure how to tell him I'd love to date him, even if my friends hated me for it. -- LOVESICK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LOVESICK: It is not desperate or needy to tell someone that you made a mistake and that you regret it. It's called being honest. There is no guarantee that this will "get him back," but if his feelings for you were as strong as yours are for him, it might work. It's worth a try.

P.S. Think positive! But if he has already moved on, you have learned a valuable lesson. In the future, I'll bet you no longer allow others to dictate whom you should or shouldn't care for.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 60s and raising our 4-year-old grandson. His mother is incarcerated, and the father signed away his rights a couple of years ago.

The child is starting to ask questions about his father. How much of the truth should we tell him? -- STUMPED IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR STUMPED: Be as honest with your grandson as you can without being cruel. Explain that when he was born, his father "wasn't ready" to be a father, so it was his wish that you take care of his son.

If the boy asks where his father is, tell him he is "far away." (Even if he lives across town, emotionally he is far away.) As your grandson grows older, he will have to be told more of the truth. But the information he receives should be age appropriate.

Please don't think your situation is unique. Millions of children today are being raised by their grandparents. Grandparents As Parents (GAP) is a support network where grandparents like you can share feelings and find support. The mailing address is: GAP, 22048 Sherman Way, Canoga Park, CA 91303. The Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.grandparentsasparents.com" ��www.grandparentsasparents.com�. When you contact this organization, you may be surprised to learn how much company you have on this "adventure" of parenthood the second time around.

DEAR ABBY: I am in the process of a divorce. My wife said she doesn't love me anymore and found love in another man's arms. I poured out my heart to "Marta," a mutual friend of ours, and she helped me through it all. Marta also had a lot of issues, and I did the same for her.

Later on, we found ourselves attracted to each other. However, we have decided not to pursue a relationship because we don't want to hurt other people. Marta and my wife work together. (Also, Marta is still with someone else.)

Should we dismiss our feelings for the sake of others or go for it for the sake of our happiness? -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: If Marta is married, she owes it to her husband to see if they can work out their problems. If she's not married, then I see no reason why you and she should not give your relationship a chance and see where it leads. The fact that Marta works with your wife should have no bearing on the matter.

P.S. Answering your question would have been simpler if you had made clear who the "others" are you would sacrifice your happiness for.

DEAR ABBY: A man I know is devastated by the loss of his 19-year-old son. The young man was a high school graduate, an excellent student and an athlete. The police are still investigating, but it seems he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time -- a victim of random violence.

I'm at a loss as to how to help my friend. Is there any kind of support group that might help him get through this? -- DAN IN DETROIT

DEAR DAN: Yes, there is. It's the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, a group that was founded in 1978. With 300 chapters, it provides mutual support to people who have survived the violent death of a loved one as they seek to heal from their loss. It would be a kindness to refer your friend to the Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.pomc.org" ��www.pomc.org�, or give him the toll-free phone number: (888) 818-7662.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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