DEAR ABBY: Like "Fine, Thank You in Gastonia, N.C." (March 23), I, too, was annoyed when people greeted me with the mindless, "How are you?" "How ya doin'?" etc., which required me to respond to someone who clearly had no interest in a real response. (I understand their feigned interest is more automatic than rude.)

So, I make a game of it. Unlike the greeter who blurts out the salutation without thinking, I listen and am prepared with several responses. For "How ya doin'?" I answer, "Not so good. My wife and oldest son and I just got out of three months in rehab for peanut butter addiction. I was a two-jar-a-day man myself. My boy had it even worse -- three jars of the hard stuff, crunchy!"

When asked, "What's up?" I'm inclined to respond, "My blood pressure, cholesterol and body mass index!" -- DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

DEAR DAVE: Many readers who wrote to comment on that letter said they were perplexed at how "How are you?" has essentially replaced the greeting "Hello." And they were eager to share the quips they use to answer that rhetorical question. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have an alternative to the answer you gave to "Fine, Thank You" that I often use.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. When someone who knows I'm in AA asks me how I'm doing, my favorite reply is, "I'm walking, breathing and sober -- anything beyond that is gravy."

Another favorite I often use with people who don't know I'm in AA is, "Well, I woke up on this side of the grass, so I must be doing pretty well!" -- SHIRLEY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: I have been having a lot of fun with this response to the "How are you?" question. I say, "I can't answer that." Expecting the worst, most people ask me why. That's when I say, "Because of the Medical Privacy Act!" Everyone has a good laugh and is relieved not to have had to listen to a list of my ailments. -- HAPPY BOB IN KIMBOLTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I learned some years ago the power of a positive attitude. When an acquaintance asks how I am, I set the tone for my own day by answering, "I'm fabulous, thanks! How are you?"

You know the old "fake it 'til you feel it" philosophy? That's why I originally started doing it, but it has paid off for me because I receive positive energy in return. Not only do I actually feel happier after the interaction, but it's difficult for someone else to respond negatively to your smile. -- COLLEEN IN PORT COQUITLAM, BRITISH COLUMBIA

DEAR ABBY: My reply? "I'm better on the inside than I look on the outside!" -- JOYCE IN CONVERSE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I once heard this response: "Vertical and ventilating!" I still laugh when I think of it. -- DOC IN CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: My favorite response is one I get from a friend: "All monitored systems are functional." -- ED IN SAN JOSE

DEAR ABBY: My husband's grandfather, a Lutheran minister for more than 70 years, always used to say, "I'm answering the roll call." (He lived to be 102.) -- FAITHFUL READER IN MISSOURI

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: As acting surgeon general of the United States, I would like to thank you for your recent reply on March 4 to a question regarding underage drinking. You advised your readers that "when children drink alcohol, they can more easily become dependent than adults."

Letting parents know that underage drinking is not a "harmless rite of passage," as many still believe, is one reason why I recently issued "The Surgeon General's Call to Action to Prevent and Reduce Underage Drinking." With this call to action, I am asking every American to join in a national effort to change attitudes and behaviors regarding underage alcohol use. Our children deserve nothing less.

We can no longer ignore what alcohol is doing to our children. Despite recent declines in their use of tobacco and illegal drugs, alcohol remains the most heavily abused substance by America's youth. There are 11 million underage drinkers in this country. Their alcohol use is associated with a long list of tragic consequences, including death from injury, risky sexual behavior, the use of other drugs and academic failure.

Abby, please urge your readers to request a copy of "The Surgeon General's Call to Action to Prevent and Reduce Underage Drinking" and other free materials about youth and alcohol from � HYPERLINK "http://www.surgeongeneral.gov" ��www.surgeongeneral.gov�, or by calling the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information. The toll-free number is: (800) 729-6686.

The good news is that underage drinking is not inevitable, and society is not helpless to prevent it. Underage drinking is everybody's problem -- and its solution is everyone's responsibility. Thank you again, Abby, for being a powerful part of that solution. -- REAR ADM. KENNETH P. MORITSUGU, M.D., M.P.H.

DEAR REAR ADM. MORITSUGU: I'm sure your offer will be appreciated and acted upon by parents nationwide. There is still a common misunderstanding about underage alcohol use. My experts tell me that young people who start drinking before age 15 are five times more likely to have alcohol problems later in life. Also, new research indicates that alcohol may harm the developing adolescent brain.

Parents and other adults who are not sure why -- or how -- to help young people avoid alcohol should ask the National Clearinghouse for "Start Talking Before They Start Drinking: A Family Guide." It's a booklet developed in conjunction with an Ad Council public education campaign bearing that title.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I visited a family friend's niece who had recently had a baby girl. While we were visiting, we noticed that the baby was hungry.

Being a good mom, the new mother unbuttoned her shirt, took off her bra, and breast-fed the baby right in front of us. Abby, was it right or wrong of her to expose her breasts in front of visitors when breast-feeding the child? -- RACHEL IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR RACHEL: Breast-feeding a baby is normal and natural. However, removing one's bra to do it should not have been necessary. There are special nursing bras that allow the mother to uncover one breast at a time for the baby to nurse.

Chalk up what happened to the young mother's inexperience. And after all, it was done in the privacy of her home -- not in a public place.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On March 4, you printed a letter about "Logan," a 5-year-old boy who said he tortured animals because he enjoyed it. His counselor said he was "fine," and the child's behavior was the result of his being "neglected." May I point out that the writer of that letter has only the boy's father's word that that was the counselor's "diagnosis"?

I'm no expert, but Logan's behavior seems like the result of much more than lack of attention. In fact, it seems like that of a textbook psychopath. Your advice that the child needs serious psychiatric intervention was spot-on.

Many parents ignore or play down these behaviors, but if unattended, such violent children often spend the rest of their lives in prison. Please stress to your readers the importance of following up on violent children. It's in the child's best interest, and the community's, for these kids to get immediate help. -- SEEN IT ONE TOO MANY TIMES IN COLORADO

DEAR SEEN IT: I agree, and I will continue to do so. As an advice columnist, I am in no position to diagnose a child. However, children cry out for help in various ways -- some of them nonverbal. A child who cannot fit in, or who displays antisocial behavior, needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional so steps can be taken to correct the problem.

Readers, the mail I received about that letter was alarming. Please read on:

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my son's longtime playmate, "Timmy," killed the guppies in our aquarium. I spoke to the boy and heard his lame excuse that "he just felt like doing it." I was sadly remiss and let other things take my attention, so I didn't mention the incident to Timmy's parents. Years later, Timmy took a gun to school and killed his teacher "because he felt like doing it." If only he had gotten help before that fatal action left an innocent family without a parent.

Please keep pounding home the importance of seeing early warning signs and getting good help for these troubled children. -- LOU IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: We had a child we obtained guardianship of when he was 10. I'll call him "Randy." We weren't given his complete history. Within six months, Randy had killed birds, kittens, stabbed my husband twice, and tried to kill his biological brother. (He had a plan for how to do it, and a backup plan in case it didn't work.) I could go on and on.

When we started talking to Randy's family and people who knew him, we learned that his behavior had started when he was a toddler. We had to take him to several psychiatrists/psychoanalysts before we could get any help for him. Randy functioned well when institutionalized, but couldn't function in a "normal" environment. It took us two long years to have the boy legally removed from our home.

He is 14 now, and was recently sent to detention because he attempted to beat up a teacher at school. This happened two years ago, but we are still feeling the after-effects. -- MOM IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: At age 5, my friend's son, "Gavin," threatened to kill his mother and his brothers, and he meant it. After two horrible years, they finally found a pediatrician who said it wasn't because they were "bad parents." An MRI showed a portion of Gavin's brain had no electrical activity. It's the part that allows him to understand right from wrong and feel empathy.

Gavin is nearly 18 now, and soon to be out of a system that has been trying to train other parts of his brain to take over. My friends have never given up on their boy -- they're angels on Earth. -- KAREN IN COLORADO SPRINGS

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)