DEAR ABBY: How do you say, "No, thank you" to a pest without hurting her feelings? A woman I'll call "Ethel" constantly invites me to have lunch with her. By "constantly," I mean she has asked me at least 50 times.

I have explained to Ethel that my schedule is full and that I can't commit to any additional outings at this time. I do not want to have lunch with her because she hogs the conversation and it's not pleasant being with her.

My husband suggests that I just tell Ethel bluntly that I do not care to be with her. Please tell me how to get the message across without being rude. -- STUCK IN THE "SHOW ME" STATE

DEAR STUCK: Most people who understand social cues would have stopped asking after three invitations had been refused. Because you cannot bring yourself to follow your husband's suggestion, try this: "Ethel, you have asked me so many times that you are making me feel uncomfortable. Please understand that I do not have time to go to lunch with you, and please don't ask me anymore."

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years and are starting to talk about marriage. She is kind and considerate, and we love each other. The only problem is, I have a college degree and she has only a high school diploma. I always imagined that I'd marry a college-educated person, but she has no desire to attend college or to get any other type of schooling, either.

I'm worried, Abby, because I'm afraid that we won't have a secure financial future because of her limited education. I want to provide a good life for our future children. Should I ignore my concerns? Or should I depart from this relationship? -- LOOKING TWICE IN IDAHO

DEAR LOOKING TWICE: Your concerns should certainly not be ignored. However, your last question is one only you can answer.

And since we're on the subject of "questions," I have a few more for you: Although a college degree is not the end-all and be-all in determining success, is this young woman at all ambitious? Is she willing to expand her career options, or does she plan to be a housewife and stay-at-home mother?

You and your girlfriend could benefit from premarital counseling. After that, you will both have a clearer picture of what your future together will hold.

DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and have a wonderful 3-year-old daughter. When I was 12, my older cousin, who was 16 at the time, fondled me, thinking I was asleep. I said nothing about it and neither did he.

That was 16 years ago. A couple of weeks ago we had sex, and now I am pregnant. Should I lie to my family about who the father is? -- WORRIED IN LOUISIANA

DEAR WORRIED: You should not keep it a secret from your family. Because your cousin is the father of the baby, he will have a financial obligation to support it. Your obstetrician will need the information to determine whether your baby has a risk for a genetic disorder.

You didn't mention whether you plan to continue this affair or marry your cousin. If the answer is yes, then I urge you to make absolutely sure that he does not do to your daughter or the baby what he did to you when you were so young, because his behavior was predatory.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was in third grade, I moved in with my dad because my mother didn't want me anymore. She said, "You'll be going to a foster home if you don't get out of my house right now."

I didn't want to stay with her because she was abusing me. So was her fiance. At the time, I was living in Michigan, and Dad lived in Minnesota. One night, my dad got a call at work from my mom: "Come get her before I put her in a foster home!" So Dad came and picked me up at 3 in the morning. We lived in my dad's hometown in Minnesota for a while, but Dad didn't want me to go to school where we lived, so we moved to Missouri. That's where I am now.

My mother moved back to Minnesota, got married and now has two babies. My problem is she wants me to move back in with her, and so does my aunt, but I don't want to. I said I'd go to her house for the summer to take care of my little siblings. My question is, how am I supposed to say no to my mother without hurting her feelings and say no to my aunt, who I love so much? -- CONFUSED IN ST. CHARLES

DEAR CONFUSED: This is something you need to seriously discuss with your father, because I am not at all sure you should be responsible for your little half-siblings, even for the summer. I doubt that your mother has changed much, and I am concerned that you will be nothing more than a free baby sitter.

Please do not worry about hurting your former abuser's feelings. If you agree to this arrangement, the person more likely to be hurt will be you.

As for your aunt, if your love for her is reciprocated, she can visit you. Or you can visit her. But that visit should not include baby-sitting those children under the circumstances you have described to me.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have just learned that our 9-year-old nephew was molested by a teenage boy over the course of the last 18 months. My brother-in-law is requesting additional family contact, saying that the boy has lost friends and trust and needs us around more often. We live six hours away, and we certainly don't mind seeing him more often.

We have a family event coming up in a few weeks, and this will be the first time we'll see them in person since we found out. I am not quite sure how to treat the boy. Should I tell him I know about it? How do we offer comfort and support? -- CONCERNED AUNT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CONCERNED AUNT: There is no need to tell your nephew that you know what happened. The best way to offer comfort and support would be to treat him the way you always have -- be your normal, affectionate, good-humored selves. If the boy wants to confide in you, he will. But you should not bring the subject up or you could embarrass him.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a proper amount of time to wait to send a sympathy card when someone you know suffers a loss? Is it proper to send the card before the funeral, or is it better to wait a week or so? -- GEORGE IN SEATTLE

DEAR GEORGE: Customs vary among different cultures. Generally, sympathy cards are sent at the time one hears about the death. However, in some cultures sympathy cards with money enclosed are given to the grieving family at the funeral.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I lost quite a bit of weight on a great diet that worked well for me. I did it for my health and because I was tired of carrying all that extra weight around. Everyone has been complimentary, except my husband.

He accuses me of "setting a bad example" for our kids, complains that the diet "costs too much," and says we can't share a meal at a nice restaurant together anymore. (Not true!) He also makes unwanted comments about what I'm eating, how much I'm eating and when I'm eating it.

I have invited him to go on the diet with me, because he could stand to lose about 20 pounds himself, especially around the middle. He refuses and insists that all he needs to do is exercise. Well, it hasn't worked, and now he needs to buy larger clothes while I am able to get into the clothes I wore when we first met.

I thought my husband would enjoy the new me, and now I am wondering what could be wrong. Jealousy? Fear of losing me? What's your opinion? -- PUZZLED BUT STILL GOING STRONG

DEAR PUZZLED: Congratulations on your weight loss. Losing weight is much easier if couples do it together, but you are to be especially commended because you are managing to do it in the face of serious attempts at diet sabotage.

I don't know what's eating your husband, but I do know he appears to be invested in keeping you fat. Maybe it's insecurity, or maybe he has eating issues of his own that he hasn't had to face because you were his partner in crime. Maybe he feels deserted (no pun intended).

I hope you will continue to eat and live more healthfully. This will require not allowing his problem to become yours, and "selective deafness" when he's spouting off. It also may require some professional counseling if he doesn't ease up, so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: I want to be an actress more than anything else in the world, but my parents are against it. In fact, they are so against it that they have said repeatedly that they'll disown me if I become an actress. They think I am "too smart" to major in theater, and they don't ever want me to leave my hometown.

It's time for me to start thinking about college, and if I do what my parents want me to do, I don't think I will ever be happy. I don't want to stay in this town and be a teacher. I want to live in New York City and be an actress. -- DESPAIRING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR DESPAIRING: When parents give a child life, it is their responsibility to help that child develop his or her talents so that he or she can be successful and happy. It is possible that your parents are so emotionally invested in you that they are having trouble letting go.

If your dream is to be an actress, then that is the dream you should pursue -- if only as a minor in college so that you will have a degree in something else in case "Plan A" doesn't work out. Not only is it time to start thinking about college, it is also time to start researching scholarship programs that will help you finance it. Please don't wait to do that -- the sooner you get started, the better.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)