DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Confuzzled in Florida" (March 24), regarding parents who give their children one name but demand they be called something different.

I am an administrative assistant in an elementary school in New Jersey, and I have encountered the same problem with parents who register their children for kindergarten.

I must check the child's original birth certificate to verify the birthday and to ensure that he or she is registered under his or her legal name and that it's spelled correctly.

Abby, I've had parents tell me that "Little Johnny" does not know that "Franklin" is his legal name, and I should register him as "Little Johnny." I then have to explain to the parent that we DO have to register him as "Franklin" because that's the name he'll have to learn to write in kindergarten, as it's his legal name. I also explain that when "Franklin" starts school, he can tell his teacher he prefers "Little Johnny" and can then be called whatever name he chooses in the class.

I advise parents to make sure the child knows what his or her legal name is before starting kindergarten. This is the name that will appear on all records throughout the school years. -- JERSEY GIRL (NOT MY LEGAL NAME)

DEAR JERSEY GIRL: Thank you for writing. I heard from many readers who wanted to weigh in on the custom of using a name other than the child's legal first name. They admitted the practice can be bothersome, and offered ways to manage the confusion. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a travel agent, I run into many unique names. Some parents do it to honor relatives; others do it to be funny. (Mac is the legal first name of a boy who weighed 11 pounds at birth -- as in Mac truck.) Other parents try to be cute and use the same first letter for each kid's name, then they run out of more common names.

The solution is to use the child's given name rather than the nickname on official documents such as a library card. This will eliminate future problems, like the name on his or her library card not matching the driver's license, or the one on his or her airline ticket being different from what's on the passport.

Anything "official" should have your legal name. -- JOHN IN BAXTER, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: I use my middle name -- or rather a shortened version of it. My childhood was spent as a victim of abuse, and after a few years in counseling, I was able to break that cycle. Part of that split from my past was to start using my middle name instead of my first, to take charge of my life and never fall into that victim's role again.

Years later I married. My husband's family has a tradition of the males all having the same first name and being distinguished by their middle names. This goes back 15 generations. It's confusing at times when we go to the doctor and need a legal document processed, but where possible I always add a notation about the names my children and I answer to. -- BEKAH IN KISSIMMEE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, his brothers, father and nephew all go by their middle names. It may seem confusing, but there's also a benefit. If anyone calls asking for him by his legal name, my husband knows it's a telemarketer. -- RACHEL IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My suggestion to parents is, when picking a name for your child, remember that you could be yelling that name in its entirety 20 times a day for the next 18 years -- so make sure it's one you like to hear. -- HOARSE IN NEW JERSEY

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: To this day, the story of my mother's letter from Dear Abby continues to be a family favorite.

Soon after my parents' wedding, Mom wrote to Dear Abby and asked for your pecan pie recipe.

A few days later, a letter arrived addressed to my mom from Dear Abby. Mom made the pie, and Dad loved it. (It's still the best pie ever!)

Several years later, Dad finally got up the nerve to ask Mom what had troubled her so much right after their wedding that she needed to write to Dear Abby. It took him a while to believe that it had been only for a pie recipe. We still laugh about it.

If you have room to print this letter, I know my folks would get a kick out of seeing their story in print, and thanks for so many years of enjoying your pie. -- LUCKY DAUGHTER IN POWAY, CALIF.

DEAR LUCKY DAUGHTER: I'm pleased to print your letter. I can only imagine what your poor father was thinking after the reply to your mother's request arrived.

I'm also pleased that your family has continued to enjoy the pecan pie. The recipe has appeared in my column many times over the years and is also included in my cookbooklet set, which also contains lots of other recipes to use when families get together to celebrate holidays and other special occasions. My mother often used them when she was entertaining.

The cookbooklet set can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 20 and engaged to a wonderful guy I'll call "Tom." There is only one thing that worries me. Tom's family isn't the best with money, and he doesn't have much money right now. I don't want to be deeply in debt when we're married, and I'm also worried that I will have to be the one with a "head for money." (I'm not. I was overdrawn last year.)

It seems ridiculous to think that money could get in the way of love, but my parents divorced because of financial problems. How can I work this out with Tom before it gets to be a problem? What's the right approach? -- THINKING AHEAD IN SYRACUSE

DEAR THINKING AHEAD: You may not have a head for money, but you have a keen eye for a serious pitfall ahead. Money problems have wrecked many marriages besides your parents'.

A non-threatening way to approach the subject would be to tell your fiance that before you go any further, the two of you must have premarital counseling. Be sure to tell the counselor about your concerns, because making sure the two of you have similar goals in this area is crucial. A long engagement will not only give you a chance to know each other better, but also give Tom time to reduce or eliminate his debts -- so don't rush into anything.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Anonymous in the North" (March 12), I had to write. I, too, have suffered a miscarriage. Not only did I mourn the loss of my pregnancy, but I was also afraid I'd never be able to have any children.

"Anonymous" should know that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. If she talks with other women, she'll see she's not alone in her suffering. Sharing her story with others who have been through the same thing may help her ease the pain she's feeling.

Nine months after my miscarriage I became pregnant again with my son. The happiest moment of my life was when I saw his heartbeat on an ultrasound and was later able to hold him in my arms. I am now the happy mother of three.

Please extend my sympathies to "Anonymous," and tell her not to give up hope. -- ANOTHER MOM IN THE NORTH

DEAR MOM: I was touched by the number of women who wrote to support "Anonymous in the North," and amazed at how many of them said that they had had miscarriages, too. One reader suggested that "Anonymous" contact area hospitals to see if there is a local support group for parents who have suffered infant loss, explaining that it helped her cope with her own grief.

A national group that has helped many people is Share: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Inc. Founded in 1977, it has 80 chapters and offers mutual support for bereaved parents and families who have suffered a loss due to miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. It provides a monitored interactive Web site that includes chat rooms and message boards. Its toll-free number is (800) 821-6819, and its Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.nationalshareoffice.com" ��www.nationalshareoffice.com�. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Anonymous in the North" needs to realize that her anger and bitterness are normal. You don't get "over" a miscarriage, but you do get through it -- and life does get better.

What she needs to do is take care of herself, be gentle with herself. If that means avoiding or limiting her time with her brother and pregnant sister-in-law, or friends and family with babies, so be it! They need to understand that it isn't about them. It's a self-care issue. Unfortunately, family and friends can be a part of the problem.

Things not to say to someone who has miscarried:

1. "You'll get pregnant again." (Not everyone does.)

2. "You can always adopt." (That's a personal decision and should not be rushed into as second best.)

3. "It was for the best because it was defective, it was God's will, etc." (Unforgivable, even if it were true.)

I will never forget my disbelief and rage when a "friend" who knew of my miscarriage, and the emotionally and financially exhausting fertility treatments I was undergoing at the time, complained of her morning sickness and said, "Aren't you glad you're not going through this?"

If you don't know what to say about a friend's miscarriage, say "I'm so sorry," and then shut up. Don't try to "fix it," any more than you'd try to "fix" a widow by fixing her up. -- DANA IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR ABBY: After my miscarriage it was hard for me to see a pregnant woman or baby. My doctor gave me a book that helped me understand and deal with my feelings. I hope "Anonymous" can get a similar reference from her doctor. -- BEEN THERE AND GOT THROUGH IT

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)